motherhood: the post partum

Micaiah James is going on two months now.

Our journey together has been so short but so filled with things I never expected.

I feel so blessed but I am also facing a reality I never could have imagined. 

People tell you motherhood is difficult.

They say the sleep deprivation is hard.

But you go into it thinking you know better. 

Unbelieving that something so sweet can also come with a dark cloud around it.

After M's birth my whole world changed. 

I was faced with baby blues that turned into a depression that I'm still battling with.

There were moments in that first month of his life

where I felt I couldn't live up to being his mum.

When nursing was such a struggle because of his ties, I felt inadequate to provide for the needs of my baby.

When I was so deprived of sleep that I had feelings of animosity towards him for his constant need of me.

When I would hand him to Daka at the end of the day so I could leave the room and cry.

My whole definition of who I am as a person, now solely defined as mother.

At least that is how I felt.

And still feel in many moments 

There is guilt in not being happy in every moment with your new child.
And there is a feeling, that if you are honest about those emotions you will be seen as unloving, and undeserving of the title of mom. 

It's as if you no longer have the right to struggle.
You can only ever have a happy face because this child must at every moment make you feel joy.
But that's not true.
I feel like I am in a constant struggle to figure out who I am again.
My body is different.
My role is different.
My emotions are raging.

Until I had a baby, I thought postpartum depression meant having thoughts of harming your baby.
While sometimes that is a part of it for some, it has a wide spectrum of feelings.
For me it was almost a lack of feeling.
My thoughts went something like this:
(I know I must feed and hold this child and care for and about him, but right now I am still healing and hurting and wondering why, why did we get pregnant so quickly)

But honesty with God has brought a lot of healing.

When I started to say in my prayers  how alone I felt

When I started to say to Jesus and to others that I was depressed 

That's when the Lord was able to show me the blessings.

I couldn't see past the dark feelings until I acknowledged them.

Now I see this crabby, crying, full of life baby who constantly needs his mum as a blessing. 

I see more purpose in my new role as mother. 

I see opportunity to stand along side other mommies and support them.
I see these things, in moments.
I see them when I'm honest about my feelings.
When I'm not I get so caught up in fighting the guilt.
Caught up in telling myself I'm a horrible mother.
But when I vocalize it I get feed back that tells me otherwise.

Women are so difficult. 

Women are so judgemental. 

Women are not as honest as they appear.

But they are strong.

It's so easy to have an opinion about another mother's choice for her child. 

Or an opinion about her struggles. 

It is difficult to just listen. 

I am so blessed to have been given a friend in this season who listens and supports even though our mothering looks very different. 

It has taught me how to listen and throw judgement and opinions out the window and just care for another woman's struggles.

Post partum had been taxing.

Micaiah has been difficult, and wonderful all in the same moment sometimes. 

Life has changed.

God has not.

Little...The next few days

So you arrived 2 weeks after your initial due date

And well I have to admit you were funny looking at first.

Getting stuck in my pelvic bones made your head so misshapen.

Fortunately, that has resolved really quickly.

Recovering from labor has been interesting for mom.

The nurses kept commenting on how big of a boy you were

for your "little momma"

And well that lead to multiple tears second and third degree.

So sometimes mommy is crabby because she is in pain.

And tired.

So Tired.

But you are worth it. 

The nurses told us in the hospital that they were hearing a "clunk"

in your right hip. 

So when we left the hospital we had to make an appointment

with our pediatrician for the next day.

he confirmed the "clunk" as hip dysplasia

and referred us to a specialist.

So on your third day on the outside

we had you fitted for your brace.

You'll be in it for a minimum of 10 weeks.

It holds your hips in the sockets to help them form.

Because you have shallow sockets, your hips can pop out of place.

Fortunately momma knows other mommies of kids with dysplasia.

Which is such a blessing.

Because I have support and I didn't have to be afraid for you.

So this is our life.

You and I and Papa.

You just eat, sleep, wet/poo, eat some more....and some more.

And papa and I just look at you in amazement.

You're a wonderful blessing.

Whenever I feel like I have the grounds to complain about life

I just remind myself that I am lucky to be blessed with you.

To Micaiah James,

With Love,

Mom

Little...the Labor

So we finally started active labor on Sep. 22 around 2pm.

I hit transition and began to push shortly after papa arrived.

But things weren't progressing.

So they broke my waters.

Twice!

Yes they had to break two water bags!

Then my waters broke again.
They think i had 3 water bags.

Apparently I am an anomaly.

No wonder you weren't doing much on your own.

And they checked me but I still wasn't completely dialated.

But my body wanted to push so I had to fight against that

To let the contractions do their work. 

And then you started to crown, and I was told I needed a few more big pushes

But you didn't come.

I pushed for 9 hours

And you weren't coming.

And I was getting dehydrated...
I had an IV put in.

And the pain was becoming  too much.

I stopped comprehending what people were saying.

I was giving up.

I wanted to sleep.

I wanted you to be here. 

I was so frustrated.

so we left around 11:30 for the hospital.

I couldn't get you out, and the pain was too much.

When I was checked at the hospital you were still a plus2

Why weren't you coming?

I got an epidural and slept for an hour.

Then they checked again and you were at a minus 1

We began to push again.

for about another hour... still nothing.

Doctor and Midwife checked again. 

Your head was stuck in my pelvis.

I had room for a vaginal delivery,

But you couldn't seem to get unstuck.

Then came the ultimatums.

We could look at using a suction to help assist,

Or we go to cesarean.

I asked about risks and the Doctor didn't think suction would

work anyways. 

He felt it was more likely to injure you.

So I began to give in to the idea that we may

have to do a cesarean.

Then I got one last option.

My contractions were no longer coming at regular intervals...

So I was going to need help to keep pushing.

The doctor suggested Pitocin to keep them coming

and make them stronger.

Then we would keep pushing and positioning

and pray that you moved enough to come out.
So that's what we did.
And Finally after additional hours of pushing you were here.
It was 28 hours since my contractions became regular
And 13 hours of pushing, but you made it!
You were laid on my chest and I was in love.
I may have been disappointed by the fact
that the labor wasn't exactly what I planned.
But you are here and it was ALL worth it.

Little...The intro

Hey there Micaiah,

Today is day 4 of life for you.

Wow it's crazy how in love papa and I are.

We have been through a lot as a family so far.

I thought I'd write about it so I can look back

and remember how blessed we are to have you.

So I'll start back a few days, 8 days actually.

On Friday the 19th, I was still concerned

Concerned I would never start my labor.

We passed all of your dues dates and were getting closer to having to be induced. 

So we had a Foley Bulb procedure done.

I was dilated at a 2 at this point .

A foley catheter was placed in my cervix,

And the balloon on the end was filled with saline

to help dilate me.

I can home and contractions started!

And they got pretty painful.

And I could time them.

And the pain was a little scary since I was alone.

So papa came home.
And we waited. And called the Midwives.
They told us to stay home at least until the foley came out.
Because then we would know I was dilated to 4 or more.
So I went to bed. And everything stopped.
On Saturday the 20th, I went to have the foley removed.
I was so discouraged.
But even though it hadn't come out on its own it in fact had worked!
Your giant head just kept it from falling out.
So we were a little closer to meeting you.
Sunday came and went.
We skipped church because the exhaustion of being up the last two days
when we thought you were coming
wore us out.
And mom couldn't deal with another week of
"you are still pregnant?"
That night I started to have contractions.
And I figured it was another fluke.
So I went to bed.
5am on Monday the 22nd I awoke to my contractions.
This was it. It had to be it.
But I sent papa to work anyway. They had to keep coming
and get closer and stronger.
So I stayed the morning with Aunt Chayil.
And the contractions spread back out.
Maybe this wasnt it.
but they didn't disappear.
FINALLY around 1pm they were coming 4,5, and 6
mins apart.
We called the midwives again.
Dropped off your cousin at a friends and headed to the center.
Today would be your birthday! Or so we thought....

Little....Impatience

Hey there baby boy.

It's official we've made it past the danger zone.

Now that you are considered in the realm of full term

You are allowed to come any day.

Two more weeks before your due date

But if you want to come and meet us early....

I wouldn't be opposed.

Papa will start work in two weeks.

God has really been good to us here.

I still struggle with trusting him daily

but I'm working on it.

I can't wait to meet you.

People have to remind me to be patient.

And that first time moms often go past their due date.

Don't get any ideas.

If you wait too long papa won't get all the snuggles

because unfortunately he'll have to go straight back to work.

I think everything is ready.

Everything except maybe me.

and well you still don't have a crib in your room

But I'm planning on the bassinet for a while anyway.

Gotta keep you close my dear.

I'm becoming enormous.

and no longer have any perception as to how big the belly is

meaning I bump into everything. 

Insurance is still iffy.

But I'm almost to the point of not caring.

Fortunately with papa's job

we'll be able to have it for you once you arrive.

But for now, we're just waiting.

Waiting to meet you.

Waiting on the next step.

And hopefully taking advantage of this time of togetherness

while we can.

Grow Strong.

One thing has changed.

I can't speak for tomorrow,

and yesterday was another story,

but today one thing has changed in our situation.

My attitude.

Today I feel so joyful and filled with praise for the Lord's goodness.

Which is a huge step because let me tell you things haven't been pretty lately.

I had been burdened with sin.

Sin that I should be completely free from 

seeing as that is promised to me in scripture

as God's child.

But I have been angry.

And preaching lies about God to myself.

That he can't.....or won't provide.

That he isn't good.

That circumstances mean his love for me is conditional.

And I believed all of them.

But today I feel a glimpse of freedom.

I see truth more clearly.

And I'm able to give glory that is due to him.

Our situation,

jobs,

insurance,

dwindling savings,

is still the same.

We have been blessed by a number of people lately.

But honestly even their giving hearts I was unable to be thankful for.

But today I am so thankful.

And I feel this peace that even if things continue this way

that I could still praise the Lord in it all.

I want to praise him,

rather than constantly ask that he change my circumstance.

I want to trust that he is a good father.

I want freedom from the expectations I have for myself

and the ones that others have for me.

I wish I could be more open about my sin for you all.

I wish I had the urge to write these blogs even when I don't feel joy.

But for now I will rejoice that there is joy in my heart.

And maybe one day I won't cover my sin

But instead cling to the promise that I am forgiven of it.

Because I am dead to sin.

And I want to walk in that truth. 

And battle temptations to speak lies to myself.

And I want freedom

And Jesus wants to grant me that.

Home Sweet Apartment

Hey there Micaiah,

So papa and I have been living in our apartment since Tuesday.

And slowly but surely things are coming together.

It's weird to think that this will be your first home.

I'm excited to begin getting things ready for you.

But unfortunately that means purchases. 

And money. Which is stretched a little thin at the moment.

So things will progress more slowly.

But we will get there.

Plus how much could you really need at first? 

I'm still stressing about the pending status of my insurance.

I've called all of these number a dozen times over.

We start making payments for care next week

and have to have your whole birth paid for in 3 weeks.

YIKES.

Fortunately, if we do get insurance before you arrive we will be reimbursed.

But still it's a little scary.

Your daddy has a second interview scheduled for next week Monday.

Hopefully things go well in that department.

But as much as I gripe and groan about money...

We truly are well cared for.

I may not have many of my wants

but I have everything I need.

And that's all by God's goodness and grace.
Like this apartment.
Smaller than we had hoped for but we have a place to live.

He gave us this savings.

He provides for us daily.

Yes we need to be good stewards, but he knows our needs.

Things never have worked out for me in the way I plan them in my head

so I don't know why I always expect the Lord to follow MY plan.

For now I have to daily trust him.

I haven't been doing that so well lately.

When we spend money I panic.

I panic about the future that isn't promised to me.

Baby boy, I hope there comes a tomorrow

and a day after

and after that

till I meet you.

But even you aren't promised to me.

I'm fortunate to get to love and care for you today.

So I'm going to continue to ask Jesus for grace to live each day as it's own day.

And trust that he knows exactly what he is doing.

Grow Strong Baby

So Very Pregnant

Hey there Micaiah,

So today I feel very pregnant.

I'm going through the whole 1st trimester nausea again.

Minimal episode of upchucking this trimester though.

Still happens but fortunately not like before.

I took a two hour nap this afternoon.

Wow what a lump I am.

I could have slept even longer too!

You have learned this new trick

Where you pinch a nerve in my leg

And cause the entire thing to go numb.

Thats fun.

*walk walk walk, searing pain/numbness, immobility*

It is somewhat comical though.

I think people wonder about my sanity.

Things in STL are still moving slowly.

But my outlook on it all has been better this week.

Papa has a phone interview coming up.

Hopefully that turns into something.

Tomorrow marks one month since our move.

And Tuesday we get into our apartment.

Finally have some things figured out for your birth.

I will meet some of the midwives for the birthing center on Thursday.

I'm excited for you to arrive. 

And getting to the point of being 

SO OVER PREGNANCY.

I just want to meet you.

I want to see your little face.

Get to know your personality.

I love you...but I don't know you.

I'm ready to start getting to know you.

But come on your time.

And Grow Strong Micaiah James.

Patience, Cousins, and a Name.

Hey there baby boy,

Well papa and I have moved. 

And we continue to wait.

This move has been filled with fear for me.

Yet confirmation in the need to be here. 

But we still need a job for papa.

and a home.

and insurance.

and a lot of little things.

But we know God can provide.
And we will wait on his timing.
And continue to pursue the things we know he wants from us.

On Monday, we found out that your new cousin is a BOY!

Another boy in the Wiedeman clan!

You two will be buds I hope.

While we were in Chicago visiting family for the 4th
we decided to reveal your name.

We weren't going to let people know it...

but we love it and you.

And now the rest of the family knows.

So now we can call you by your name.

And in 9 weeks we will see your face.
The funniest part of all was when papa and I decided on Micaiah James
we had no idea that your grandpa had wanted to name dad's sisters that if they had been boys.
So Auntie Sabriah or Adriel would have been Micaiah if they were boys.
Haha. I guess you get to be the lucky one.
Your name means, "Who is like Yahweh?"
And your middle name is your great grandfather's name.

I can not wait to meet you.
And see the face that goes with this name.
Grow Strong Micaiah.

We just might be crazy

Oh my Lanta!

2 weeks. 

In two weeks we are moving.

That's assuming we can get our stuff together to get out of here.

Anyone want to help the preggo pack?

So for some reason we feel called (back for me) to St. Louis.

Who knew?

And though there is still no job in sight,
we are taking it by faith.

Which means my agenda is growing and my motivation is fading.

Like right now I need to apply for medicaid.

Because I no longer have insurance for prenatal visits as of next week.

And we need to figure out how we're transporting all of our belongings to good ole MO.

I told my physician that we're leaving but apparently not having a Dr. to send medical records to costs a whole lot more. 

That's another thing. I need to find a doctor there.

Once I get insurance again.

For housing we have a temporary home with my brother and sister in law.

But then its house/apartment hunting.

Then setting up a nursery for the little one.
And continuing the job hunt for husband.

Oh and did I mention I just found out I'm anemic?

Fortunately it came with the good new of not having gestational diabetes.

And it's apparently manageable with iron pills and supplements

if I can keep those down.

Strangely I'm excited about this all.

Overwhelmed, but excited.

Maybe I'm still just hyper from the glucose sugar drink I had to down this morning. 

NASTY.

Ah yes back to my list.

Need to cancel our water for the end of the month. 

Cancel our internet.

Find a storage unit to house our stuff until we have a permanent(or semi-permanent) residence.

Call the land lords to let them know a move out date.

And I should probably let our families know that we've made this huge decision.

Eh...they'll read it here lol. 

Too much to do.

We've only lived here since December but I'm pretty sure we have more than we need.

Or perhaps just more than I am willing to move and take with us.

Anyone want to buy a desk?

Or a funky looking green leather couch?

I'm ready though. 

For this adventure with Hubs, and baby.

For the biggest test of reliance on the Lord's provision I will have gone through to date.

So ready or not St. Louis....Here we Come!

Little....Baby Fever

Hey there baby boy,

Perhaps my definition of baby fever is a little..off

but I think I have baby fever.

No I am not thinking about of more babies.

Not right now anyway.

But I increasing in impatience in my wait to meet you.

I know that mommyhood is not all cuddles

and it's a lot of hard work

but I just can't wait to get started. 

And see who you become.

And well I'm pretty darn excited for the snuggles too.

Mom has 2 days left of work

And today some of her coworkers got you a gift.

A cutie blanket toy

Some itsy bitsy socks

and diapers :)

I feel like I get spoiled with all the gifts for you.

I can't wait to know where we will live when you get here.

Then I can start really making plans for you.

Grow strong baby.

And don't let my impatience sway you to arrive too soon.

We'll meet you soon.

Much love,

Mum

Little....The Sky Is Falling

Hey there baby boy,

So you don't know the story of Chicken Little

So this title doesn't make much sense yet

But it's reflective of how I'm feeling these days.

Chicken little overreacts to his situation and 

ultimately determines that the sky is falling and the world is ending.

I tend to be over dramatic.

Right now the little troubles feel like the sky is falling.
On Friday momma told her current job she would not be returning next year
even though neither mom or dad have jobs lined up.
That was scary.
But we feel pretty confident that the Lord is going to
do something with us in a different region than little ole Hoopeston.
Right now we will be moving at the end of June.
To where?
We do not know.
So we are trusting the Lord for that as well.
All this trusting is difficult.
And I often feel like the sky is falling.
What happens if we don't find jobs?
How do we pay back the mountain of debt?
How is maternity leave going to affect us?
What if I chose to go back to work?
What if I chose to stay at home?
It's all a little scary and overwhelming.
But I have to remember that God's plan is perfect.
My plan is not.
The plan we had to wait a year for you....
Well I'm incredibly glad that didn't work out.
I love you little man and can't imagine life with out you
even though you have yet to make an appearance.
I can't imagine if papa hadn't asked me that 3rd time for a date.
But it wasn't in my plan.
Pretty much nothing in my life has gone exactly as I planned.
Yet I'm surprised and fret every time things change.
Right now we are praying for direction.
We think that is St. Louis.
I hesitate in saying that because I don't want to
misinterpret the Lord's plan.
Also I hate being wrong.
But it just feels like home to us.
Even though we aren't there.
So that's what we are blinding pursuing.
As everything seeming crumbles around us.
We will pursue Jesus.
And do our best to listen.
Though I rarely ever do.
Thank goodness for grace.
So the sky isn't falling and we're really okay.
But know that mom and dad pretty much never "have it together".
But we do trust in Jesus, so you'll be taken care of.
Love you little.
Grow Strong.

Little.....Punching Bag

Hey there baby boy.

So this week and last have been an adventure in mommyhood.

You have been quite the active fellow.

I pretty much feel you everyday.

I'm also quite sure I've become your punching/kicking bag.

I'm usually alright with that....

Unless you take out your energy on my bladder.

That I am not the biggest fan of.

Who knew pregnancy literally turned you back into a baby.

I mean I whine because of the discomfort(only to papa, usually)

And I take overly frequent bathroom trips

I am much more picky due to food aversions

I burp and belch with no qualms at all.

My nose runs all over the place

I've pretty much turned into a giant kid here.

No one told me this stuff.

And so as weird as it may be to write about it

I do it because NO ONE TOLD ME THIS STUFF!

Who knew I'd be sick and whiney all the time.

And cravings...I don't really have them

I just crave food.

All the time. 

And usually I succumb to the cravings.

You'd think I'd have ballooned up by now.

Surprisingly not, but you still surprise me with a weekly vomit

So maybe that is the reason.

My belly is getting big.

Again you'd think I had put on more than 5lbs at this point.

But that....I will NOT complain about.

Dr. said you are doing well. 

Your Ultrasound came back GREAT!

You are pretty much perfect. 

Growth on target.

Healthy heart.

And really strong legs and arms, which you use to jab me.

And as of yesterday Papa!

I'm so glad he finally got to feel you.

So I guess I shouldn't complain when you send me running out of a meeting for the bathroom.

Because it all just means I get a wonderful you at the end of this.

My healthy baby boy.

Grow Strong.

Little.....BOY!

Hey there baby!

So your papa is wonderful.

I know I tell you this often, but he really is.

When we set the date to find out if you are a boy or girl

he had a plan on how to make it a surprise for me.

He decided that when we went to the doctor

for your ultrasound we'd have them put the results 

in an envelope.

Papa bought a cutie stuffed elephant

and some ribbon in pink and blue.

He said that he would open it first and give me 

the toy with the appropriate colored ribbon.

I have been anxiously awaiting this moment 

since I first took the pregnancy test.

But a little suspense never killed anyone.

So when we got home papa took a peak and found out.
Then we ate dinner as he made the suspense build.

Then he brought me the package to open,

while he filmed my reaction.

Just knowing you are growing healthy is so exciting to me

but to know that you are a BOY is so joyous to me.
Now we get to really start the planning.

Seeing papa finally got to be the one with the secret
was so exciting.
I'm glad he got those moments since 

I've been the one feeling your kicks and going through it all.

I love you so much baby boy.

Grow Strong.

Little......Oh happy week

Hey there baby,

So despite the sinus infection

which I am blessed to say is almost gone

and your papa having fevers

I am SO excited for this week.

It's only Tuesday but it's fantastic.

I've been rocking at work.

Meaning no procrastination.

Getting stuff done.

Hanging with cutie kids

who don't know why they aren't able to see you.

But TOMORROW...

we get to find out if you are a boy or a girl!

I'm so excited!

Maybe that is why tonight you're moving.

This is the most I've felt you...ever.

Papa is cute and has everything planned for tomorrow.

I don't know if I'll be able to focus at work.

and to top it off

on THURSDAY...

I get to see my BEST FRIEND!

Your honorary aunt Alyssa Patton.

So much happiness.

And even though Holy Week has ended

I feel like the message this year

to remember that Jesus not only rose from the dead

but is continually with us

has been a great reminder to me.

Each day I need to live for and with Jesus.

I've been struggling with that a lot.

It seems like my first choice is always me.

But when I think about the cross

it's much easier to want Jesus to be first.

I want that to continue far past this happy week.

Just like it should.

Well baby....

I can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Grow Strong.

Unsubmitted love story

So I wouldn't submit this story because well husband hates to be photographed,

but I can't help but feel all sentimental  over my own story as I read about the love of others.

The man I call husband is far more than I ever imagined.

The lists I made as a teen of the attributes I wanted in a love don't compare.

When we met I didn't think twice about it.

When he asked for a date

I reluctantly turned him down because I feared losing his friendship

but my heart had not yet been healed from my past.

When he asked the second time

my heart had not yet fallen for him.

But as I grew to know him

my heart fell more than I ever thought it could.

He was a man of his word.

Though broken, like everyone else in the world

he knows his weaknesses and has always been open and honest with me.
When he asked that third and final time I was overjoyed that he still fought for me.
As we began to date I  found in him things I didn't know existed in a man.
When he kept our physical relationship to hand holding,  hugs and cuddling while upright on the couch,
I knew this man would protect my heart.
When we he waited to tell me "I love you" until he asked for my hand in marriage.
When on our wedding day his vows reflected christ's love and he kissed me for the first time.
I knew you were a one and only Daka.
And now as we prepare for our unexpected blessing of a child.
He tells me I am beautiful though my face is spotted with broken capillaries after the fourth time tossing my cookies in a day.
Or how he plans for our future and works oh so diligently.
Its been a mere 4 months since we said "I do" and...
I fall more in love with that man daily.

Little....Rejoice and be Glad!

Hey there baby,

As unpleasant as today was

I have decided to rejoice.

I may have beaten our all time records

in the upchucking department.

I may have dealt with dizziness,

earaches, migraines, a sore throat

but I will rejoice.

Today is Palm Sunday.

You don't know the significance of that yet 

but I can't wait to tell you all about it.

As much as I love Christmas

I think I'm a bigger fan of Easter.

I've never really celebrated Holy Week.

I think we might have to make it a tradition.

But I really want to celebrate it this year.

I probably won't make any purchases

of eggs that tell the story of the crucifixion

or make any crafts.

But I want to try to take this week to dwell on the ultimate 

love story of all time.

This Friday signifies Jesus' death on the cross.

If it weren't for that life would be void.

He selflessly died for your sake and my own.

His holiness covers our sin when we accept him

and allows us access to God the Father.

Not only did Jesus die...

But Sunday we celebrate that he defeated death

(the punishment of sin)

and rose from the grave!

How incredible!

So today, though my stomach is empty

my head is pounding

and I so desperately want to complain about everything.

I will rejoice and be glad that the Lord cares for you and me.

He sent his only son as a sacrifice for us.

I can't imagine you as a sacrifice.

I can't imaging giving you up.

It makes the weight of what the Father did even more powerful to me this year.

Grow Strong Baby

Little....Titles are hard

Hey there baby,

I can't think of a good name for this post

But I'm over it.

On Thursday I heard your heart beating again.

Always magical and also a relief.

Since you haven't been on the move much lately

it's easier to worry about you.

I don't know if I stated this in previous blogs

but I HATE doctors.

We shouldn't hate.

But seriously, I do.

It's not that I have it out for particular ones

or them as a whole

It's just the fear I have that they'll give me bad news.

Or that the poking and prodding will inflict so much pain.

But I've come a long way. 

The first doctor visit with you

I still had an anxiety attack in the waiting room.

Luckily Papa was there with me.

But after seeing you

I suddenly look forward to being there.

Every appointment can't come soon enough.

Unfortunately I have to wait 4 weeks each time.

But not this week.

No, I get to see your cutieness two weeks from my last appointment.

Papa is planning on coming too!

We're going to (hopefully) find out if you are a boy or girl.

Please cooperate. 

Papa won't let me even think of names until we know a gender.

So again, please cooperate.

It's been two weeks since I last tossed my cookies.

Who knew I'd ever be celebrating a gain in weight.

The doctor wasn't concerned that we haven't gained very much.

Which is nice because it's still hard at times

for mum to be 100% on board with all these changes to her body.

So we will rejoice at 3lbs.

And freedom from morning sickness (at the moment).

And praise the Lord that you are growing strong.

Love you baby

Just a needed reminder to myself.

God is good.
It is in his character to be thus. 

Circumstances can not change his nature. 

It is not for me to call him good when I feel blessed or to neglect this trait when I feel looked over. 

Philippians 4:4-7

 "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS; again I say rejoice.

 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. 

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

"Rejoice ALWAYS, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for YOU." 

Today I will echo Daniel in his recognition of God's might

As he revealed the dreams of Nebuchadnezzer to him

Daniel 2:20-23

"Daniel answered and said: Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,

to whom belongs wisdom and might.

He changes times and seasons;

he removes kings and sets up kings;

he gives wisdom to the wise

and knowledge to those who have understanding;

he reveals deep and hidden things;

he knows what is in the darkness,

and the light dwells with him. 

To you, O God of my fathers,

I give thanks and praise,

for you have given me wisdom and might,

and have made known to me what we asked of you,

for you have made known to us the king's matter."

How amazing are you God.

You have made all things

When there was no way to reach you because we were dead in our sin

You became the covering for us.

You sent us Jesus to wash us clean.

You seek us out.

Praise be to you oh God.

Psalm 118: 20-24

"This is the gate of the Lord;

the righteous shall enter through it.

I thank you that you have answered me

and have become my SALVATION.

The stone that the builders rejected

has become the cornerstone.

This is the  Lord's doing;

it is marvelous in our eyes.

This is the day that the Lord has made; 

Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Little....trust

Hey there baby,

This weekend has been stressful

Mum has shed many a tear

But today as I sat in church I was reminded that nothing is mine

My health

The money I earn

The job I have

None of it is mine

And the only thing I need or should want is Jesus.

He should be (is) enough.

I forget this in hard times.

I needed to be reminded.

I am thankful for our church

for it's reminder to me today.

Though even though Hoopeston is temporary,

God provided us with a place to hear truth each week.

So rather than wallow in my fear about what will happen

or my anger of wrongs done to me

I will rest in God's peace.

This week will be better.

If only for the reason that I know all I need is Jesus.

I'm excited for our next doctors appointment.

I'll hear your little heart beating this Thursday.

Your papa is excited that it's only two weeks

and we will answer the question: boy or girl?

I hope that when you go through hard times

I'll be a good mommy and point you to Jesus

And even when I don't I hope he tugs your heart to himself. 

Grow Strong Baby

Little...Lets brag about that guy again

Hey baby,

So I know I've already posted about your papa

but after yesterday I feel the need to brag about him again.

Mum had a really bad day yesterday.

I woke up around 4:30am with a migraine

and it didn't start to even remotely subside until 5:30pm

So your papa got stuck with the all day chore of taking care of me.

Migraines pretty much rule your day if you get them

Little movements, noises, light everything makes your brain feel

as though it may just explode.

When mommy gets a migraine she almost always pukes.

Yesterday was no different.

I broke my record of 2 throw ups in a day with that migraine

I almost hit 4 but was finally able to keep down dinner.

So our record currently sits at 3.

This time I can't even blame you or the hormones.

Apparently it relieves the pressure on your brain.

But it really didn't work.

So papa had to clean up after me.

And he got to giggle with me as I cried over the fact that

 I didn't always make it directly into the toilet.

Gross, I know.

He went to the store to get me gingerale to settle my stomach.

That seems to be the only thing I can vomit and not

become even more nauseated over.

He did the household chores.

He make dinner for us.....the only meal I could keep down.

He comforted me when I stressed about

not being able to feed you enough/well.

He called me beautiful

despite the broken capillaries all over my face

as a sign of a good long day spent over a toilet.

He pretty much took on the role of care giver.

He is incredibly good at that.

I wanted to tell you all of this

Even the icky stuff

so that you know your papa is completely capable of caring for you.

I'm so excited for that day.

Can't wait to meet you.

Grow strong baby!

Little....friends like family

Hey there baby,

So today I want to tell you about your honorary Aunt.

Her name is Alyssa.

I know she isn't blood, but she doesn't have to be.

When I started to tell people about you

she was one of the most ecstatic.

She is someone I share my joys, pains, struggles, and triumphs with.

She's moving far away soon, so you may not see her often.

But rest assured she is excited about you too.

Some day when you are bigger, I hope for a friendship like this for you.

Even when she and mum are far apart they want to know about each other.

They pray for each other.

And have high hopes for each other.

Don't get me wrong, things aren't always perfect.

Friends can fight just as much as family.

But when they become like family to you, you can't lose them, just like blood relation.

And you want to know something even more amazing!?!

Mum and Alyssa are tied by and even stronger string than just friendship.

You see we both love Jesus and serve him.

And when people do that they are automatically part of the same family!

Some day when Mommy and Auntie Alyssa are gone from this earth

We will be together again worship God in Heaven!

Isn't that amazing?

We'll get to be together again, with the same goals in mind

bringing glory to God.

So baby, as excited as I am about you joining this little Weideman family,

I'm even more excited for the day when you accept Jesus and join God's family.

Oh I do so pray for that for you.

I can't wait for you to come meet all the people who love you.

Grow Strong Baby

Little.....uglies

Hey there baby, 

It's time to be really honest.

And I realize there may be lots of judgement with this post,

but I think I'm going to write it anyway.

Your mom has struggled with body image and eating issues in her past

and well her growing belly sometimes exacerbates those past sins.

I had a rough day yesterday.

I'm in that looking fat but not pregnant stage.

I used to over eat.

To the point of making myself so sick but never throwing up.

Thankfully I haven't struggled with that in a long time.

Now I have different struggles.

But mostly they are centered around my need to feel worth something 

and beautiful in the eyes of myself and others.

I'm writing this, because regardless of gender you will struggle with sin just as I do.

You will judge yourself, you will judge others, you will have pride and deal with all kinds of sin.
The fact is as much as the world wants to give us a standard of beauty it can't.
The contorted images of perfection are still all very different.
Beauty was marred when sin entered this world.
There is no perfection outside of Jesus.
And there is only uniqueness.
And God created that.
Each of us unique, meant to be perfect but marred by sin in this world.
One day in heaven we'll be renewed but until then we have to fight.
I want you to know this because you will struggle here.
You may fight the fight of body image
Depression
Self loathing
Or an array of many other battles.
But know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You are meant to be here.
To have these struggles.
To see God's glory in it all.
Mom isn't always fighting these battles and sins well.
Forgive me when my example fails you.
Forgive me when I forget to remind you of the beauty within you put there by the God of the Universe
the one who created you and seeks relationship with you.
I pray you come to know him.
He is the only way.
The only way to have victory.
The one who deserves all glory and honor.
I wish things were prefect for you.
I wish the world wasn't like this...
but I'm thankful that sin's penalty is paid for.
That you can have victory in this world.
So I'll try to remember that.
For myself and for you.
Victory didn't come without sacrifice, but that is paid for us if we accept it.
I'll be praying you come to know this.
Grow Strong Baby.

Little...wives tales

Hey there baby,

In a little over a month we get to find out if you are a boy or girl.

I realize that none of these will help with knowing what you are

but I thought it would be fun to see if the wives tales can predict anything.

So I'm picking a few wives tales and we'll see what happens in 5 weeks.

1: Which side mom sleeps on

if it's the right, girl, left, boy.

Result: I sleep mostly on the right....and my back

which apparently isn't good once we get father along

but I can't help it and wake up that way anyways.

2: If daddy gains weight

If he does you are a girl, if not you are a boy

Dad never gains weight haha.

He may have because he can't work out right now but I doubt that is related to you.

so I guess....boy.

3: morning sickness

no morning sickness=boy, morning sickness=girl

well you're definitely a girl by this measure.

4:Cravings

meats, cheese, salty=boy, sweets=girl

Man I love me some cheese fries with bacon so boy.

5:Headaches

More headaches=boy Fewer=girl

Uh more. And it is no fun.

6:Heart Rate

above 140=girl Below=boy

You have a strong girlish heartbeat.

Well it looks like the odds are pretty much even.

I'd say what I think you are, but if you aren't that I don't want you to feel bad later on.

We love you no matter what. 

I can't wait to meet you baby Wiedeman.

Little....moments and movements and wishes

Hey there baby!

FINALLY mum and papa get a break from the craziness.

We are all going to visit your grandpa(grandma is in St. Louis) and some of your aunts and uncles.

Mummy has been so tired lately, and I think I'm losing my mind.

I can't remember anything anymore.

I wanted to tell you to keep a moving baby.

I've only felt you twice but it's like magic.

I'm glad you enjoyed the music I played. 

Ahh I just felt you a moment ago.
That's 3 times.

I really like that.

Thanks for letting me know you are still there.
I guess you are a popular topic with my kiddos.
At PT conferences mom's congratulated me on my apple sized baby.
Haha those kids are almost as excited to meet you as I am.
They keep asking when they get to see you.
I know papa is excited to meet you.
I feel bad for him when I can feel you move and he can't yet.
Soon you'll be bigger and I'll let you nudge him too.
Keep growing strong!

Little.....it's just life

Hey baby,

I don't have any topical discussion for you today.

I just want to write.

I think this is kind of my way of doing life with you while you are still in my tummy.

Mum has decided to get more active.

And by that I mean I've started walking.

Not the most glamorous of exercises, but that's what the doctor said to do.

I wish I had been one of those epic moms who ran a marathon with you before you were born

but who am I kidding I hate to run.

I ran a half marathon once... I might have kind of liked it

but it's been so long that I'm not supposed to be running with you.

But I'll do my best baby.

I want you to have a good start in life.

Papa went on a walk with us last week.

It was sweet holding his hand and listening to him chat.

I'm not very good at making conversation.

You can probably tell that from the off topic ramblings I do here.
Mostly I've been walking with another new mommy.
We get to talk about you little's.
Papa is letting me make my first purchase for you this coming week.
I'm so excited!
It's nothing amazing, and it's a hand me down but I can't wait for you to be here to see it.
It's a bassinet.
I hope you like it.
I admit I'm purchasing it for me just as much as you.
I'm sorry that you'll probably get a lot of hand me downs.
In part it's because mum and dad are just not banks, in fact we owe banks(or rather loan companies) lots of money from our school days.
And there is a teensy part of me that loves having something with a history.
But you will probably have to deal with this your whole life.
Don't worry you'll come to understand that things are just that, things.
They get old. They get used. They aren't worth much in the end.
You can't take them with you when you are gone.
Mum has to tell herself this a lot too.
But I guess you haven't really learned to want things yet.
That's good.
We'll work on that when it comes time.
But for now, know you are loved.
We will do for you as much as we can.
And we will love you always.

Little.....I love you

Hey there baby,

I heard your little heart beating away today.

It's magical every time. 

It's hard to explain my love for you.

I've never seen you.

I don't know your likes or dislikes.

I don't know if you will chose to follow Jesus.

I don't know anything but the number on that doppler.

Today it was 153.

Still growing strong I hope.

But with all those unknowns

my heart is so full.

I have hope that you will love Jesus.

I have hope for your future.

I have hope the despite my failures you will know love.

I feel as though I could burst in happiness when I think of you

Even this morning with the queasiness

I just thought of how its a sign that you are okay.

You are still with us.

I have such fear that one day you won't be.

You are our child.

From the moment God formed you within me.

You will always be my baby.

And I will always love you.

Papa too, though it's harder for him to show it yet.

He isn't reminded daily like I am.

As my belly grows.

Or as I smell something from two rooms away.

Haha.

But he does.

We do.

We love you.

Grow strong baby.

Little ... foodie problems

Hey there baby,

I'm not sure why you seem to hate everything with any flavor.

I'm close to giving up on cooking.

And well ,eating is interesting too.
Apparently you are not a fan of mexican rice.

Or of Asparagus or porkchops.

We didn't last long on either of those meals.

Apparently the peanut butter and banana snack was icky too.

You are going to be picky aren't you?

Thanks for keeping it outside of work.

They already think I'm weird with the copious amounts of bathroom trips.

I thought that was supposed to happen later...

I don't think you'd stay a secret much longer at work even if I wanted you to.

But I'd prefer it if we keep the upchucking to ourselves.

No one needs to hear/deal with that.

Plus it's comical to gross out papa.

He handles it well. 

I think I just need an outlet sometimes. 

I tell him all my woes.

And you too...even if you don't respond

Honestly, neither does papa. He just say's "that's nice"

and moves on.

Pregnancy is no vacation.

But I venture to guess it's going to be easier than parenthood.

So I should count my blessings right?

I guess I can go bland and cold for a while. 

If this were a diet thing I'd never last,

but knowing it's for you gives me far more motivation.
Only for you.

I love you, you sweet thing.

Grow Strong.

Little.....blessings

Hey Baby,

So I wanted to tell you that although I complain

about the sickness

the pubescent teenager acne

the bloating

the expense of it all.

I think you are a blessing.

Truly and honestly I am so thankful for you.

You were a surprise that's for sure.

But when I think of the miracle that you are I can't help but feel in awe.

In awe that the Creator of the universe is forming you within me.

In awe by how many things have to go exactly right just for you to come into being.

I think that loving you gives me a better understanding of love.

I don't even know you yet and I love you.

I desire your affection and I have the highest hopes for you.

In my desires for you I think of Christ's love for me.

When I reject Jesus and sin against him

he loves me.

When I did not know him he knew and cared for me.

He has high hopes for my future and desires for me to love him so.

I can't tell you that I'll be able to always love you like that

But I can guarantee God feels that way about you even now.

You are precious to him, just as you are to papa and I.

So I am sorry for the complaints.

I'm still learning to be like Jesus.

Little...let's talk about papa.

Hey Baby,

I just wanted to take today to tell you about your papa.

It's probably fairly obvious that I love him

but I wanted to tell you a bit about him.

Your daddy and mum have been good friends ever since they met

but it's been a relatively short while since they grew to love each other.

Mum was silly and interested in things other than your papa when they met.

However he is such a good man that when momma fell for him she fell hard.

We dated for 11 months got engaged and then married 6 months later 

and well then boom, you happened.

We are still learning how to love each other well.

But papa is the best at it.

He doesn't even know it.

It's the little things.

Like the way he picks up after me when I'm lazy, and exhausted from making you haha.

Or how today he ran around getting everything I needed at the store 

while I just waited not so patiently in line.

Or how he waited so patiently when I said no the first two times he asked me on a date.

Your papa is pretty patient.

Not to mention persistent.

But that worked out well for the two of us now didn't it?

He tells me I'm beautiful.

Even when I'm crying for no reason because you make my hormones CRAZY.

He doesn't complain when I make dinner and then throw it out

because suddenly it's the most disgusting thing ever and I can't stand to look at it.

I just can't wait for you to meet him.

I can't wait to observe his love for you.

I'm crazy about you already 

but I know when you get here your papa will be over the moon.

Grow Strong Baby.

Dear little...

Hey baby,

So you are no longer a secret.

I think the families are pretty excited over you.

I know mum and dad are.

Mommy is sick today so we get to spend some down time in bed drinking concoctions

and eating soup to get better.

Be safe baby, be healthy.

Uncle Joshua is pretty excited about you.

He liked the way we told him you were coming.

Grandma and Grandpa Stelzer are pretty happy too.

You're their first grandchild.

But you won't be alone.

You have LOTS of cousins to meet.

One is coming very soon.

We're excited to meet him too.

He'll only be about 7 months older than you.

I bet you two will be friends.

Mommy had her student tell the teachers she has you in her tummy.

It was pretty funny, because they didn't believe him right away.

I love showing people your picture.

I love reliving the moment I first saw you do your acrobatics.

I can't wait to feel you .

Grow strong baby.

See you in a few months.

Happy Valentines Day little

Hey baby,

Happy Valentines day.

Don't worry about missing out on this one

We will celebrate it next year too.

I wish you were hear to snuggle and kiss.

Also I take back what I said last time

You know about thanking you for not giving me morning sickness...

It was a not so well received Valentines gift

But what can a mommy do?

You toss your cookies and move on

It was literally a cookie too (you've already got a sense of humor)

Your daddy and I are going to spend our last Valentines day alone by baking cookies 

Mum will pass on eating them today I think

Perhaps we'll start this as a tradition for you though

Anyway, We love you lots

And are so happy to have you little valentine

To our little

Hey there baby

I can't begin to fully express the love your papa and I already have for you.

 I admit that I also have daily fears over you as well.

 I hope you are growing strong.

 Yesterday your mum and dad went to their first doctors appointment.

 I saw you for the first time.

 My heart was bursting with joy when I saw your tiny legs kicking, and your heart all a flutter. 

The nurses loved that you looked like a key in one of your pictures.

 They say we should incorporate it into your name. 

Looks like I swallowed a key

We will see about that.

 Your little nose is so cute, but be prepared that you're bound to have a honker like mommy and daddy.

 I'm glad to know your heart is beating strong.

167BPM

 I didn't think we'd be able to hear it since you decided to try and hide for that part.

 I think about you every single day and I pray for you to be healthy.

 I know that no matter what, you are our gift from God and that he loves you even more than we can. 

I can't wait for you to get to know him.

I hope that your heart follows Christ's.

I'm scared to lead you in that.

But you belong to him, so I will trust in his plan.

We're telling your grandparents, aunts, and uncles on Sunday.

I know they will love you too.

Mum is not enjoying keeping you a secret.

Dad is still trying to come to the realization that you are really in my tummy.

You will be let down by us all your life.

We will undoubtedly make mistakes.

We aren't perfect, but we have known perfection.

His name is Jesus.
 And He will make everything new in it's time.

So forgive us when we fail.

And know that we desire to love you like Christ does.

Oh and a few more things...

Thank you for letting me avoid morning sickness

Even though Cheerios smell like vomit

Blessing, Fears, and Futures

The Lord truly blessed Daka and I with one of the longest honeymoons. We had 7days 8 nights in Italy, 1.5 weeks for Christmas and new years, and then 3 extra snow days. Since we said "I do" we had 26 days of togetherness. I don't think we spent more than 2 hours apart. I felt so lucky. I feel so lucky. I am blessed. And now I know why. I think that time together was allowing us to prepare for what is coming next.

January 5th I took my first pregnancy test ever. When the first pink line appeared I had mixed feelings both sad at the thought we might not be pregnant and happy that we'd have a little more time. A few moments later a faint second line on the test appeared. I was pregnant. More fear than anything else invaded my body. We were just married 3 weeks before. How could we have a honeymoon baby? We took precautions. We wanted to wait a year. So we did some research to see if the second line indeed indicated I was pregnant. Sure enough it did. Two days later, still in denial, we bought a digital test. Not even 3 minutes passed and it already read pregnant. This time I had had a few days to get used to the idea and was able to be happy about it.

I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. I mothered my dolls as a child. I mothered my friends during play time as a girl. I wanted, and still do want, to be a mom. But I chose a career when it seemed like that was the next best thing to do. I love my job don't get me wrong but the thought of having to be both a career woman and mother frighten me. Financially we will have to both have jobs until we can dig ourselves out of school debt. That fact saddens me some. I'm not really sure why God timed things this way. But I do trust him. Daka has to remind me to trust him, but I do. God is our provider. He sustains my very life. If he ordained that we would have a child this quickly than how can I feel anything but blessed.

So September baby I am thrilled to meet you. I'm going to be your mum and you have a pretty stellar dad. We love you already and we are thankful for you.

Come what may, Lord we will trust you.

A Whirlwind of year 2013

Well I realize we are almost already a week into 2014 but I thought I would recap some of my favorite moments from 2013. I am so thankful for all that the Lord taught me in the past year, the friendships he allowed me to gain and the many blessings he showed me.

January 2013:
This began my adventure to St. Louis where I made some of the best friends and gained life experiences I am so blessed by. Lets start with the friends. First there is Julie Curran. This woman was my supervisor during my practicum and we just became kindred spirits. I could share anything and everything with her and probably have. Then there was my small group. Specifically the Oros family that showed me so much love and acceptance. Then there is Renee who I had not imagined I could love so much! She is one of the sweetest women I know. I wish I could have stayed in St. Louis a little longer to get to know her better. Then Betsy, Alyssa, Stacie, and Julie who all made sure I wasn't too lost in the city.

Then there was the blessing of my internships. These truly equipped me for my career and I am grateful to have had such amazing connections to my supervisors.

April 2013:
My first cardinals game. It was to celebrate Daka's birthday. The first birthday I would spend with him. It was also one of the last times I would see Shelly before she shipped off to Africa. Hanging out with Brock, Brian, Daka, and Shelly was great....even if it did rain for most of the game.









June 2013:
Daka Proposed. I really don't think I need to say much more than that. It was just wonderful to know I would be spending the rest of my life with him.

August 2013:
My first Real Job.

October 2013:
My Birthday. Daka came to visit and we went on a picnic(he got me a basket as my gift) one of my favorite things to do on a date.

December 2013:
Daka and I said "I do" on the 13th. We spent and amazing honeymoon in Venice from the 15th-22nd. Then there was Christmas eve with my parents. Our first Christmas as a married couple at home together. Family Christmas/new years with the Wiedeman Underwoods.

All in all this year has be splendid. I'm honestly most thankful for the relationships God has given me. I am such an incredibly blessed woman.