The Birth of Kaladin Josias

Kaladin was due March 13th 2018. He blessed us with his presence 9 days early. This is our birth story:

I woke a few times in the early morning hours on March 4th with contraction dreams so vivid I thought, well maybe my backache truly is a contraction. By 5am I was awake enough to notice that I was in fact not dreaming but actually having contractions. I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions since a little before 20 weeks, but this felt subtly different. Still, I wasn't due for another 9 days and based on my size and growth patterns they predicted I would go past that date. I couldn't fall back asleep with the back pain so I got up and went downstairs for a snack. For some reason I was so hungry this morning, but nothing sounded appealing. I grabbed a yogurt and string cheese, then I turned on an episode of Friends and began to time the contractions. They seemed to be coming at regular intervals of 4 minutes but only lasted for about 30 seconds and they really weren't painful. After about an hour of timing them, I decided I may need to call my midwife and get her thoughts. If this was labor I needed to start contacting people so my preschooler would be taken care of.

My midwife Jessica was surprised to hear from me because again, I was 38 weeks, measuring small, and last time I went to 42 weeks gestation. She told me to monitor them for another hour try to rest and hydrate and if things seemed to progress in any way, intensity, duration, or frequency, to start alerting people. Second babies tend to come more quickly, she told me. So I started drinking more water, and got my things together just in case. I started to alert people, but left husband alone. He hadn't been sleeping well recently and if this was it, I needed him ready and rested. In my gathering of things he came downstairs bleary eyed to grab his charging phone and asked why I had the diaper bag and car seat out. I explained that I was having regular contractions and just wanted to be ready. Knowing that my Braxton Hicks contractions had at times seemed to come regularly he wasn't alarmed and went back to bed. I decided on a shower to see if that made contractions disappear, but no such luck. When I started to time them again they had picked up some. Now a little longer 30-40 seconds, and a little faster 3 and 4 minute intervals, and perhaps just slightly stronger. I called my midwife back to update and she recommended getting my back up preschool watcher to come and heading to the Birth and Wellness Center. I let husband know things were progressing and that this was possibly baby day, but that contractions still felt too easy so I wasn't sure. He asked what the midwife advised and I let him know she told us to come in. Daka alerted a replacement for his kids church duties then got into the shower just as my 3 year old son awoke.

Although my brother was on his way, it would be 3 hours before he arrived so I called our back up child watcher, my dear friend Morgan. Daka let her know we would indeed need her to come as I swayed through contractions and broke the news to our son that his brother would be coming today. Coffee was made, my bag was placed by the door the car seat installed and some family notified. Contractions remained at 3 minutes apart, but I could still talk through them and was feeling good, but ready to go. Once Morgan arrived we gave instructions and chatted a bit while Daka finished his coffee and my son watched a show and ate some breakfast. Apparently I was coping too well for husband to feel like we were in a rush. He played piano, and we chatted with Morgan some more. I wrote a note for my brother about naps for my son. We left our home about 8am and on the drive I was convinced I had just caused everyone to come to us for nothing. My contractions spaced out to 6 minutes and I felt them minimally. We arrived at the Birth Center around 8:30 and let the midwife and trainee know what was happening. They gave me an hour to see if things picked back up and assured me that car rides tend to stall labor because our bodies know it's not the safest place to give birth.

So, I waited. Daka and I chatted and I felt silly that we had come. However, my contractions returned to the 3-4 minute range quickly, yet I still talked through them and was unsure if I was truly in labor. My midwife timed a few contractions and let me know that although I thought they were lasting only 30 second they were really closer to 60 because I was stopping at the peak of the contraction rather than the end. I tried to rest, but sitting was uncomfortable and laying down made things space out some. If this was baby day, I wanted to get things going. The midwives gave us space and let us labor for another hour. When they returned things were only slightly less tolerable. They gave me some options, one of which was an exam to see how I was progressing, the other to leave take a walk and come back. I told the, that when I rested they seemed to space out and was informed that it may indicate that I still had plenty of time. I wanted the exam but was also nervous to be discouraged by a number. The trainee then had to leave but my midwife checked me and assured me she would give me the good news not just a number if things weren't looking so good. After the exam I was told that I was 7 centimeters dialated and that we were not going to have a baby today. Leaving was no longer on the table.

I was elated, I'd have jumped up and down if I felt it at all possible. Still able to manage my contractions but no longer speak through them I figured we may still be in this for a while before I progressed much further. After a few trips to the bathroom, a snack and plenty of water, things intensified. I asked Daka to have our midwife fill the birthing tub because I was finally at the point where I needed relief from the contraction pain. I labored I the tub through some intense contractions, but the warm water truly helped with any pain I was feeling. My contractions never seemed to get much closer together than every two minutes. I remember after one particularly intense contraction being worried they might start to stack on upon another and not being quite ready for it, but I always seemed to have a break. I started to vocalize through contractions moaning deeply to control the pain and this helped. Having already had a child I was less inhibited by my own fears about the judgment of others. I felt comfortable being loud or intense if necessary, and I just let things happen. After some intense contractions my waters broke and I had to get out of the tub as the midwife suspected that baby had passed meconium. We did not want his first breath in the world to have him taking in poo, so I was moved to the bed. I remained in a hands and knees position propped up over pillows and I had a few more contractions before my body really took over and began to push. For me, contractions were the easy part. Pushing was where all my fear was centered as it had been the most challenging for my last birth when my son became stuck in my pelvis. Fortunately, by the Lord's grace I didn't have time to dwell in my fear. I pushed for 30 minutes, assisted by my midwife and nurse, and comforted by my husband. During pushing I had one moment of fear as I felt like I was back tracking, but again the calm voices of those around me quelled my fears. Kaladin was born into the world at 11:44am. It was like magic, all pain disappeared and I held the tiniest little boy to my chest. Two minutes after, I had a few more contractions and I delivered the placenta. It was all over. I remember being in disbelief that this was my baby, "How is he so tiny? My babies are bigger." We rested and nursed.

Once I had eaten, successfully used the restroom, was stitched up and showered, we were given the okay to head home! The drive home was crazy. Kaladin has been alert since birth but quieted and slept in the car. He was so quiet it felt like he wasn't even there. Husband kept remarking that it felt like a normal work day, except he got to come home early. All in all my labor was just under 7 hours long. We left home at 8 and returned by 3. I am so thankful for God's redemption of burn for me as I was so defeated by the difficulties of my last birth. I am also so thankful for his good timing.  As much as we had hoped he would wait, he is here and beautiful. As my midwife examined my placenta after birth she found that it had foiled in on its self in a few spots when it was forming. This meant that quite possibly, he would have not gotten any bigger regardless of my progressing in pregnancy. God knew the day he should be born, and we are grateful for this sweet blessing of a boy.

29 things I'm thankful for

One of my dearest friends always writes a list of

Things she's thankful for on her birthday,

And I adopted the tradition a year ago as well.

I'm a little late in writing this but here goes

I just turned 29 on Friday so I'll give 29 things I'm thankful for 

After having lived for 29 years.

1) Jesus's death on the cross, because without that nothing else on this list matters

2) forgiveness, this year especially as I have been humbled recently by my own sin

3) deepening friendships

4) grace that is undeserved and seemingly never ending

5) a new gift of life

6) the strengthing of old relationships

7) family

8) the love of my son

9) a stable income

10) a home

11) our church

12) caffeine

13) trustworthy care takers

14) unexpected gifts

15) running vehicles

16) precious sleep

17) small group

18) the ability to meet the needs of others

19) our needs having been met

20) never lacking food

21) down time

22) Daka

23) lessened anxiety

24) answered prayers

25) observing The Holy Spirit move in others

26) provision

27) a deeper understanding of hurt in the world

28) the e desire for change 

29) empathy

I am so thankful for another year of life that I have undeservedly been given,

Ready to listen

I know the Lord called us here.

St. Louis is my home.

This is my city.

And it is breaking.

As a white middle class woman

I can easily avoid the conflict

And ignore the racism and the social divide

But I don't want to do that.

That's not why we are here.

After yet another blatant disregard 

to the lives of those of color in this city

I can't just sit and watch, read, hear, etc.

The opinions of those like me.

Is it not obvious that something is wrong?

Is it not obvious that the fear and the anger

Is coming from a place of legitimacy?

Please, if you were like me, stop ignoring what is happening.

Notice that the people of color in our city are hurt.

Let us listen to them.

Black Lives Matter

But the message that we as white people are sending is that they don't.

Whether we mean to or not,

Good intentions aside.

Our disregard

Our judgement

Our unwillingness to listen

To fight for the marginalized

Says that we believe something else.

Black Lives Matter

But until our actions and our words

CHANGE

They won't.

Black Lives Matter.

Stop analyzing the response

Listen to the message

Black Lives Matter

I can't even begin to imagine that I know

The suffering of the people in this city

But I'm ready to listen 

Are you?

Chronicles of a potty training momma: DONE....we hope

As I have said before don't look to me for advice on potty training,

but I am happy to report that we are nearing the end of training.

M has started wearing underwear outside the home.
Today, I put him down for a nap in his underwear!
Guys, thats a big deal!
Having confidence in his ablity to hold it during sleep
is something entirely different than just toilet training.

He is consistenly telling me when he needs to go,
and FINALLY telling sitters and kids church teachers.

We still have the occasional accident, but overall he's a pro.

Considering where we were in the beginning....going every 5 minutes

this is incredible improvement.
Plus our accidents are really just aiming issues.
One thing at a time okay!?!

To be honest, potty training has been a pretty selfish endeavor. 

I just really wanted him to be done so he would be: 

1) more independent

2) we'd have less mess

3) and I wouldn't have to buy diapers

However, it has given him such pride in his big boy abilities.
I never knew I could be so excited over such a disgusting event in life.
Pardon me while I throw a little dance party with myelf
because we are DONE!

Okay, so we still aren't dry at night, but this is still worth celebrating!

Chronicles of a potty training momma: What I have found successful

So since Thursday we have been hitting potty training pretty hard.

I have found a few things that have workes for us...

So I thought I would share.

1. Frequent trips.
At first he was on the potty every 5 minutes.
It was a lot of work, but when he would actually go, I'd space the timer out. It went something like 5,10, 15,25,30,35.
He was in disposable diapers before and he would pee whenever he darn well felt like it, so I think this helped with increasing his bladder control.
2. Rewards.
We use a single gummy snack for each success, and only if he remembers to ask for it after.
He has forgotten a few times, but it is definitely motivating.
I know, it's sugar. But food is an easy access, quick reward, that kids just seem to understand.
3. Encouragement even in failure.
I down play the accidents. "Bud, it's okay, we will just try again soon. Remember to try to tell mommy, because poop and pee go in the potty"
4. Naked to only underwear to fully clothed.
We started with nothing on the bottom so we could get on the potty asap when he needed to go.
Then once he started spacing out trips and telling me he needed to go the underwear went on. Finally, we did pants when we hit the 30 minutes between trips.

So far it's going better than expected for a newly 2 year old. 

Chronicles of a potty training momma: The NEW plan/an update

So M is now 2.

He is not potty trained.

So as you can probably tell I took a break.

I did say I might at the beginning. So there is that.

As interested as he was at 18 months, he just wan't ready.

He had pretty great communication skills

but couldn't preemptively tell me when he needed to go.

He still really doesn't.

But it's getting better.

The other day at the library he told me "Mommy, I pooping"

He also then refused when prompted to go with me to the restroom.

So, we're taking it slow.

Just asking him to sit on the potty multiple times a day.

And he has been doing that with success. 

Today we tried underwear.

We only had one accident

I'd say that's a success.......unless you know that after acident 1

I went back to diapers 

at first because he went down for a nap,

but then also because I'm lazy.

BUT he literally went on the potty 7x today.

So that's the real success.

Not much about my plan has changed, other than giving more grace

and also I caved and bought a potty.

Yuck.

It was a necessary evil though.

He used to scream and run from being hoisted onto the 

insert "potty seat" that fits on the toilet.

So now he has his own potty. 

He uses it regularly

and gets a gummy if he goes.

And I'm leaving it there for now

If he starts asking to go more....

then we will probably go full force into underwear.

We will see. 

Like I said in my first post, I am no expert

So don't look to me for advice.

I'm just a mom who is sick of diapers

and a kid who screams when I try to change them haha.

Things would probably happen more quickly if I wasn't so lazy

So there is also that.

I have things to work on. 

Don't we all.

Chronicles of a potty training momma: Praise for the Poop!

So potty training has been moving at a crawl.

Every once in a while M will ask to go to the "toilet"

But mostly he just likes the opportunity to wash his hands. 

Last Tuesday, he told me "poop" but with an empty diaper.

This was the first time he has preemptively mentioned something 

related to the potty.

So I rushed him to the nearest bathroom, but because we were

out of the house sitting on the big toilet was mostly

traumatic for him. Especially when it's a self flushing toilet.

Then last night happened.

I came home and Daka told me M had news.

Apparently he had told D "poop" again with an empty dipe.

So he put him on the toilet and viola!

We're still a ways from consistent potty training but I am ecstatic.

It's a really strange thing to be so excited over 

another being's bowel movements.

But as I discussed this conundrum with my brother

he helped me understand my excitement comes from freedom.

It may still be a while,,,but we are one step close to diaper freedom.

And that my friends, is worth celebrating.

Chronicles of a potty training momma: terrible timing

So, today I discovered that I have terrible timing. To help with consistency,I set a timer to remind myself to do a potty check every hour or so. I ended up changing that to 30 mins on the second go round, then gave up on the reminders all together.

M started in the big boy underpants and fortunately for us we had warmer weather so no pants were necessary. We talked about the potty a lot today. And we had our first accident in the bathroom, on the step stool to get up to the potty. An accident yes, but hey, we were at least close there!

Then came mystery accident two. The reminder timer had not yet gone off, but gavr me a ten minute warning that our next potty break was coming up. So I decided to grab him early and let him reset the timer on the way to the toilet. Upon lifting him up to press the button timer, I felt that it was too late.

So I adjusted the time. And gave up on the underwear for the moment. No mystery pee stains for me.

Later M turns to me and says "poop". I ask him if he needs to poop in the potty, and we sing "we're gonna poop in the potty" on our trek upstairs. He really seems to ejoy my potty song. When we make it to the toilet I find that he was only informing me of what had happened. He sits on the toilet seat anyway, just to familiarize himself and we dump the diaper in the potty and he flushes saying "bye bye poopy"

After cleaning up this third attempt my lazy mommy mode kicks in and we permanently switch to diapers for the rest of the day.  After donning the dipe M suddenly becomes very upset that his poo had been flushed and runs to the toilet only to cry "poopy gone!" So apparently that tactic is more traumatizing than helpful.

This toilet training is the nastiest rite of passage I have ever known.

Chronicles of a potty training mama: The Plan

When your 18 month old starts coming to you and telling you "poop" whenever he has a dirty diaper, or saying "pee" with a questioning tone outside the bathroom door, you think to yourself 'well maybe it's that time'. I never thought we would start this part of parenthood early. But the little man has hit quite a few milestones early so why not toilet training? I'll be keeping this diary as a satirical memoir of what is sure to be a journey of tears and laughter. So you know if you don't mind some good ole toilet humor join me on the path to the potty.

The plan:

I'm sure there are many ways of approaching the whole potty thing, but here is the plan. Subject to change, as I tend to give up easily. Today we started with purchasing the necessary items.
1) potty seat, the kind that fits in a regular toilet. No chair for me, because well I'm lazy and don't want to clean M's poo from more surfaces than absolutely necessary.
2) a step stool, because yeah he can climb well, but better make things as easy as possible.
3) underwear. I'm skipping pull ups and training pants because I'm overly confident or insane, maybe both.

As we wait for these items to arrive i plan to take this week slow. He is becoming aware of all things toilet but he's no expert. Mostly I'll just attempt to call his attention to when he sneaks away to the corner to squat and let him know where that junk really belongs by dumping out diapers in the toilet. Perhaps he'll receive an introduction to pantslessness, because he hates diaper changes because he gets cold. He'll soon find out that there is certainly no seat warmer on the john, and that going requires leaving pants behind. Ill let you all know how things go. Next week is sure to be filled with more "excitement".

Note: If you are reading this blog for potty training tips, stop. I have no idea what im doing.

Note 2: I may at some point I give up and wait until he's older.

Becoming Mommy

Hey bug,

It has been a little over a year now that we've been on this mother son journey and I'm willing to admit I'm mostly in over my head when it comes to you. It's a hard journey learning to care for someone so deeply and love so unconditionally.  Today I had to continually fight the urge to make you into the boy I wanted, rather than let you discover who you are. As you popped yet another fist full of dirt in your mouth, I thought of the inconvenience it would be to clean you up, I realized I was trying to change you. I'm told to train you in the way you should go, but that doesn't mean not allowing you to be a rambunctious, inquisitive, independent boy. When you throw tantrums and I lose my patience with you, know that I'm still learning too. Papa and I have a lot to learn. Know that our boundaries, while they may be flawed at times, are set out of love and desire for your good. Know that we want to help you figure out this world, just as much as you desire to understand it. Becoming your mommy is a lifetime process, and I'll always be on the learning curve. Thanks for the moments after the time outs, when you give me cuddles and kisses. Thanks for the laughter you give me when we play at the park. Thank you for teaching me that life can be dirty, and difficult, but still be good. Thanks for reminding me of grace in your own little way. I promise to try to do the same. Thanks most of all, for helping become mommy.

I hate debates, but this shouldn't be one

Debating an issue rarely accomplishes anything.

Both sides usually only cling to their beliefs even more strongly after.

But life shouldn't be a debate.

I've been avoiding talking about my pro life stance

because people are just plain mean sometimes...

but today as I watched yet another PP video where women laughed

at the thought of someone being squeamish at the sight of an intact fetal head

my heart broke. 

I can't say I've felt the same as women who've had abortions

But I have felt fear with pregnancy.

Micaiah was by no means planned

We had no jobs

no health insurance

and I was so scared

But from the very moment I read the test that said I was pregnant

I called him my baby.

He wasn't just tissue

He was a baby

I haven't told many people this

But when we first found out

I cried.

Not tears of joy.

I cried because I couldn't handle the responsibility.

We were just married

How could we possibly care for a baby

We could barely care for ourselves

But I never thought of him as anything other than a child.

And as weeks passed 

I feared that my body might reject him
eventually that fear lessened.

I felt nothing but desire for his life

We didn't deal with many of the difficulties others have

He was healthy(relatively)

I was healthy

I had support

But even if I didn't have all that, he deserved a life.

It's a beautiful one.

I sometimes sit in awe of the brave women who parent alone

Who take on post partum depression

Medical issues

financial responsibility

child rearing

all alone

They are so strong.

I am just lucky.

My heart hurts for the babies who weren't loved.

Who were thrown away because someone thought they didn't deserve a life

I know, at times women did this because they thought it was better

better for a child to die than live in poverty

better for a child to die than live in pain

But why?

Why?

Who are we to play God?

It makes me want to take all the babies home.

I've always wanted to adopt.

My heart for adoption has been to take in a child in the states

and it's growing. 

And it's scary...because I'm selfish

I care about my comfort more than a child's much of the time

I say...we can't support another financially

and I make excuses

I hope that someday we do adopt. 

But Lord help the world if we continue to view life as a choice

instead of a gift.

motherhood: the post partum

Micaiah James is going on two months now.

Our journey together has been so short but so filled with things I never expected.

I feel so blessed but I am also facing a reality I never could have imagined. 

People tell you motherhood is difficult.

They say the sleep deprivation is hard.

But you go into it thinking you know better. 

Unbelieving that something so sweet can also come with a dark cloud around it.

After M's birth my whole world changed. 

I was faced with baby blues that turned into a depression that I'm still battling with.

There were moments in that first month of his life

where I felt I couldn't live up to being his mum.

When nursing was such a struggle because of his ties, I felt inadequate to provide for the needs of my baby.

When I was so deprived of sleep that I had feelings of animosity towards him for his constant need of me.

When I would hand him to Daka at the end of the day so I could leave the room and cry.

My whole definition of who I am as a person, now solely defined as mother.

At least that is how I felt.

And still feel in many moments 

There is guilt in not being happy in every moment with your new child.
And there is a feeling, that if you are honest about those emotions you will be seen as unloving, and undeserving of the title of mom. 

It's as if you no longer have the right to struggle.
You can only ever have a happy face because this child must at every moment make you feel joy.
But that's not true.
I feel like I am in a constant struggle to figure out who I am again.
My body is different.
My role is different.
My emotions are raging.

Until I had a baby, I thought postpartum depression meant having thoughts of harming your baby.
While sometimes that is a part of it for some, it has a wide spectrum of feelings.
For me it was almost a lack of feeling.
My thoughts went something like this:
(I know I must feed and hold this child and care for and about him, but right now I am still healing and hurting and wondering why, why did we get pregnant so quickly)

But honesty with God has brought a lot of healing.

When I started to say in my prayers  how alone I felt

When I started to say to Jesus and to others that I was depressed 

That's when the Lord was able to show me the blessings.

I couldn't see past the dark feelings until I acknowledged them.

Now I see this crabby, crying, full of life baby who constantly needs his mum as a blessing. 

I see more purpose in my new role as mother. 

I see opportunity to stand along side other mommies and support them.
I see these things, in moments.
I see them when I'm honest about my feelings.
When I'm not I get so caught up in fighting the guilt.
Caught up in telling myself I'm a horrible mother.
But when I vocalize it I get feed back that tells me otherwise.

Women are so difficult. 

Women are so judgemental. 

Women are not as honest as they appear.

But they are strong.

It's so easy to have an opinion about another mother's choice for her child. 

Or an opinion about her struggles. 

It is difficult to just listen. 

I am so blessed to have been given a friend in this season who listens and supports even though our mothering looks very different. 

It has taught me how to listen and throw judgement and opinions out the window and just care for another woman's struggles.

Post partum had been taxing.

Micaiah has been difficult, and wonderful all in the same moment sometimes. 

Life has changed.

God has not.

Little...The next few days

So you arrived 2 weeks after your initial due date

And well I have to admit you were funny looking at first.

Getting stuck in my pelvic bones made your head so misshapen.

Fortunately, that has resolved really quickly.

Recovering from labor has been interesting for mom.

The nurses kept commenting on how big of a boy you were

for your "little momma"

And well that lead to multiple tears second and third degree.

So sometimes mommy is crabby because she is in pain.

And tired.

So Tired.

But you are worth it. 

The nurses told us in the hospital that they were hearing a "clunk"

in your right hip. 

So when we left the hospital we had to make an appointment

with our pediatrician for the next day.

he confirmed the "clunk" as hip dysplasia

and referred us to a specialist.

So on your third day on the outside

we had you fitted for your brace.

You'll be in it for a minimum of 10 weeks.

It holds your hips in the sockets to help them form.

Because you have shallow sockets, your hips can pop out of place.

Fortunately momma knows other mommies of kids with dysplasia.

Which is such a blessing.

Because I have support and I didn't have to be afraid for you.

So this is our life.

You and I and Papa.

You just eat, sleep, wet/poo, eat some more....and some more.

And papa and I just look at you in amazement.

You're a wonderful blessing.

Whenever I feel like I have the grounds to complain about life

I just remind myself that I am lucky to be blessed with you.

To Micaiah James,

With Love,

Mom

Little...the Labor

So we finally started active labor on Sep. 22 around 2pm.

I hit transition and began to push shortly after papa arrived.

But things weren't progressing.

So they broke my waters.

Twice!

Yes they had to break two water bags!

Then my waters broke again.
They think i had 3 water bags.

Apparently I am an anomaly.

No wonder you weren't doing much on your own.

And they checked me but I still wasn't completely dialated.

But my body wanted to push so I had to fight against that

To let the contractions do their work. 

And then you started to crown, and I was told I needed a few more big pushes

But you didn't come.

I pushed for 9 hours

And you weren't coming.

And I was getting dehydrated...
I had an IV put in.

And the pain was becoming  too much.

I stopped comprehending what people were saying.

I was giving up.

I wanted to sleep.

I wanted you to be here. 

I was so frustrated.

so we left around 11:30 for the hospital.

I couldn't get you out, and the pain was too much.

When I was checked at the hospital you were still a plus2

Why weren't you coming?

I got an epidural and slept for an hour.

Then they checked again and you were at a minus 1

We began to push again.

for about another hour... still nothing.

Doctor and Midwife checked again. 

Your head was stuck in my pelvis.

I had room for a vaginal delivery,

But you couldn't seem to get unstuck.

Then came the ultimatums.

We could look at using a suction to help assist,

Or we go to cesarean.

I asked about risks and the Doctor didn't think suction would

work anyways. 

He felt it was more likely to injure you.

So I began to give in to the idea that we may

have to do a cesarean.

Then I got one last option.

My contractions were no longer coming at regular intervals...

So I was going to need help to keep pushing.

The doctor suggested Pitocin to keep them coming

and make them stronger.

Then we would keep pushing and positioning

and pray that you moved enough to come out.
So that's what we did.
And Finally after additional hours of pushing you were here.
It was 28 hours since my contractions became regular
And 13 hours of pushing, but you made it!
You were laid on my chest and I was in love.
I may have been disappointed by the fact
that the labor wasn't exactly what I planned.
But you are here and it was ALL worth it.

Little...The intro

Hey there Micaiah,

Today is day 4 of life for you.

Wow it's crazy how in love papa and I are.

We have been through a lot as a family so far.

I thought I'd write about it so I can look back

and remember how blessed we are to have you.

So I'll start back a few days, 8 days actually.

On Friday the 19th, I was still concerned

Concerned I would never start my labor.

We passed all of your dues dates and were getting closer to having to be induced. 

So we had a Foley Bulb procedure done.

I was dilated at a 2 at this point .

A foley catheter was placed in my cervix,

And the balloon on the end was filled with saline

to help dilate me.

I can home and contractions started!

And they got pretty painful.

And I could time them.

And the pain was a little scary since I was alone.

So papa came home.
And we waited. And called the Midwives.
They told us to stay home at least until the foley came out.
Because then we would know I was dilated to 4 or more.
So I went to bed. And everything stopped.
On Saturday the 20th, I went to have the foley removed.
I was so discouraged.
But even though it hadn't come out on its own it in fact had worked!
Your giant head just kept it from falling out.
So we were a little closer to meeting you.
Sunday came and went.
We skipped church because the exhaustion of being up the last two days
when we thought you were coming
wore us out.
And mom couldn't deal with another week of
"you are still pregnant?"
That night I started to have contractions.
And I figured it was another fluke.
So I went to bed.
5am on Monday the 22nd I awoke to my contractions.
This was it. It had to be it.
But I sent papa to work anyway. They had to keep coming
and get closer and stronger.
So I stayed the morning with Aunt Chayil.
And the contractions spread back out.
Maybe this wasnt it.
but they didn't disappear.
FINALLY around 1pm they were coming 4,5, and 6
mins apart.
We called the midwives again.
Dropped off your cousin at a friends and headed to the center.
Today would be your birthday! Or so we thought....

Little....Impatience

Hey there baby boy.

It's official we've made it past the danger zone.

Now that you are considered in the realm of full term

You are allowed to come any day.

Two more weeks before your due date

But if you want to come and meet us early....

I wouldn't be opposed.

Papa will start work in two weeks.

God has really been good to us here.

I still struggle with trusting him daily

but I'm working on it.

I can't wait to meet you.

People have to remind me to be patient.

And that first time moms often go past their due date.

Don't get any ideas.

If you wait too long papa won't get all the snuggles

because unfortunately he'll have to go straight back to work.

I think everything is ready.

Everything except maybe me.

and well you still don't have a crib in your room

But I'm planning on the bassinet for a while anyway.

Gotta keep you close my dear.

I'm becoming enormous.

and no longer have any perception as to how big the belly is

meaning I bump into everything. 

Insurance is still iffy.

But I'm almost to the point of not caring.

Fortunately with papa's job

we'll be able to have it for you once you arrive.

But for now, we're just waiting.

Waiting to meet you.

Waiting on the next step.

And hopefully taking advantage of this time of togetherness

while we can.

Grow Strong.

One thing has changed.

I can't speak for tomorrow,

and yesterday was another story,

but today one thing has changed in our situation.

My attitude.

Today I feel so joyful and filled with praise for the Lord's goodness.

Which is a huge step because let me tell you things haven't been pretty lately.

I had been burdened with sin.

Sin that I should be completely free from 

seeing as that is promised to me in scripture

as God's child.

But I have been angry.

And preaching lies about God to myself.

That he can't.....or won't provide.

That he isn't good.

That circumstances mean his love for me is conditional.

And I believed all of them.

But today I feel a glimpse of freedom.

I see truth more clearly.

And I'm able to give glory that is due to him.

Our situation,

jobs,

insurance,

dwindling savings,

is still the same.

We have been blessed by a number of people lately.

But honestly even their giving hearts I was unable to be thankful for.

But today I am so thankful.

And I feel this peace that even if things continue this way

that I could still praise the Lord in it all.

I want to praise him,

rather than constantly ask that he change my circumstance.

I want to trust that he is a good father.

I want freedom from the expectations I have for myself

and the ones that others have for me.

I wish I could be more open about my sin for you all.

I wish I had the urge to write these blogs even when I don't feel joy.

But for now I will rejoice that there is joy in my heart.

And maybe one day I won't cover my sin

But instead cling to the promise that I am forgiven of it.

Because I am dead to sin.

And I want to walk in that truth. 

And battle temptations to speak lies to myself.

And I want freedom

And Jesus wants to grant me that.

Home Sweet Apartment

Hey there Micaiah,

So papa and I have been living in our apartment since Tuesday.

And slowly but surely things are coming together.

It's weird to think that this will be your first home.

I'm excited to begin getting things ready for you.

But unfortunately that means purchases. 

And money. Which is stretched a little thin at the moment.

So things will progress more slowly.

But we will get there.

Plus how much could you really need at first? 

I'm still stressing about the pending status of my insurance.

I've called all of these number a dozen times over.

We start making payments for care next week

and have to have your whole birth paid for in 3 weeks.

YIKES.

Fortunately, if we do get insurance before you arrive we will be reimbursed.

But still it's a little scary.

Your daddy has a second interview scheduled for next week Monday.

Hopefully things go well in that department.

But as much as I gripe and groan about money...

We truly are well cared for.

I may not have many of my wants

but I have everything I need.

And that's all by God's goodness and grace.
Like this apartment.
Smaller than we had hoped for but we have a place to live.

He gave us this savings.

He provides for us daily.

Yes we need to be good stewards, but he knows our needs.

Things never have worked out for me in the way I plan them in my head

so I don't know why I always expect the Lord to follow MY plan.

For now I have to daily trust him.

I haven't been doing that so well lately.

When we spend money I panic.

I panic about the future that isn't promised to me.

Baby boy, I hope there comes a tomorrow

and a day after

and after that

till I meet you.

But even you aren't promised to me.

I'm fortunate to get to love and care for you today.

So I'm going to continue to ask Jesus for grace to live each day as it's own day.

And trust that he knows exactly what he is doing.

Grow Strong Baby

So Very Pregnant

Hey there Micaiah,

So today I feel very pregnant.

I'm going through the whole 1st trimester nausea again.

Minimal episode of upchucking this trimester though.

Still happens but fortunately not like before.

I took a two hour nap this afternoon.

Wow what a lump I am.

I could have slept even longer too!

You have learned this new trick

Where you pinch a nerve in my leg

And cause the entire thing to go numb.

Thats fun.

*walk walk walk, searing pain/numbness, immobility*

It is somewhat comical though.

I think people wonder about my sanity.

Things in STL are still moving slowly.

But my outlook on it all has been better this week.

Papa has a phone interview coming up.

Hopefully that turns into something.

Tomorrow marks one month since our move.

And Tuesday we get into our apartment.

Finally have some things figured out for your birth.

I will meet some of the midwives for the birthing center on Thursday.

I'm excited for you to arrive. 

And getting to the point of being 

SO OVER PREGNANCY.

I just want to meet you.

I want to see your little face.

Get to know your personality.

I love you...but I don't know you.

I'm ready to start getting to know you.

But come on your time.

And Grow Strong Micaiah James.

Patience, Cousins, and a Name.

Hey there baby boy,

Well papa and I have moved. 

And we continue to wait.

This move has been filled with fear for me.

Yet confirmation in the need to be here. 

But we still need a job for papa.

and a home.

and insurance.

and a lot of little things.

But we know God can provide.
And we will wait on his timing.
And continue to pursue the things we know he wants from us.

On Monday, we found out that your new cousin is a BOY!

Another boy in the Wiedeman clan!

You two will be buds I hope.

While we were in Chicago visiting family for the 4th
we decided to reveal your name.

We weren't going to let people know it...

but we love it and you.

And now the rest of the family knows.

So now we can call you by your name.

And in 9 weeks we will see your face.
The funniest part of all was when papa and I decided on Micaiah James
we had no idea that your grandpa had wanted to name dad's sisters that if they had been boys.
So Auntie Sabriah or Adriel would have been Micaiah if they were boys.
Haha. I guess you get to be the lucky one.
Your name means, "Who is like Yahweh?"
And your middle name is your great grandfather's name.

I can not wait to meet you.
And see the face that goes with this name.
Grow Strong Micaiah.