As stress filled as this engagement journey has been I can honestly say I am thankful for it. We are constantly having to trust that the finances, the means, the workers and supporters and everything else will be provided. We have been showered in love and support and I am so overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family.
Today I began to move a few things into our new apartment. It was a bit nostalgic packing the things that have been stored at my parent's house. Though I was so sure I would never live here again after college I have be so grateful to have this last 6 months to reconnect with my family. Plus the ability to throw large amounts of money at my loans because I did not have rent or utilities to pay was pleasant.
It's all a bit like a dream. I still often feel like a teenager and that this is just my day dream romance. But the realness of life and the stress of working and planning reigns me back into reality. Setting up our home, making our budget and other preparations can even be surreal at times. All of this planning and imagining can't compare to what is to come. For better and worse we'll be together forever starting in a month.
Admittedly I'm nervous about it all. I frequently depend on my own strength rather than leaning on the Lord and I can never live up to the standards for marriage on my own strength of will. I could never repent or forgive or love in a way that is honoring to God without his spirit alive in me. I tend to over play the fantasy that everything will be peachy keen once we take this step.I think that has me even more nervous. What will I look like when I'm caught in my sin. Fortunately I can lean on the truth that I am already forgiven and no longer a slave to sin and death.
It's a huge journey we will soon embark on and I am excited, though perhaps unprepared, for what is to come.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Product Review
I don't normally write blogs like this so bear with me.
So yesterday I splurged.
Big time.
I spent a whopping $65 at Walmart for a gel nail kit.
Ever heard of Shellac?
Well this is the less expensive (but still expensive) at home version.
I paint my nails constantly. And I'm pretty good at it if I do say so myself.
I have a steady hand for french manicures and friends often ask for my help.
Seeing as my wedding is coming up and I wanted to paint my own nails for it, I wanted a manicure that would last through our honeymoon.
I purchased the cheapest version in Walmart. SensatioNail.
See it here: http://www.sensationailgel.com/
The starter kit as well as an additional color.
Walmart also sells a Sally Hanson version for $64 for the starter kit.
Ok now to the review, I'll list pro's and cons based on my experience and you can judge from there.
Lets start with the cons:
Expense: The initial cost of this system is not quite double what a shellac job at a salon runs(about $39) but forking that over was not pleasant. Then you have to factor in that each individual nail color runs at around $10 a bottle claiming it provides 20 manicures. And the starter kit comes with the essential base/top coast, cleanser, gel primer and LED light. All of which, save for the LED light, will have to be repurchased at the end of my 10 uses.
Use: For the most part use is simple. There are videos online for those of you who are more visual and instructions in the box. However, if you do not already have a steady hand, trying to have a pretty finished look will be difficult. Also there is really no room for mistakes because this stuff is plastered on your hand for the next two weeks. And removal is a pain.
The Lamp: Well I don't have any big complaint with the LED drying/setting lamp yet, but it did feel really strange having my hand baked under a powerful light for reduced dry time and hardness. Though I did like the reduction of dry time, I must say. My fingers definitely felt tingly while setting under the light for 30-60 seconds(depending on what coat I put on the nail).That was a weird and slightly unpleasant sensation.
On to the Pro's:
Expense: Ok I realize I listed this as a con, but let me explain. Initial cost is a major bummer, but when you think about how I get 10 manicures out of the starter kit ($65) and 10 in salon manicures would have run me around $390 it seems a little more worth it. Also this system boasts that the manicure will last for up to two weeks. This means I'm not running through nail polish because it chipped while I was working with those cutie preschoolers of mine. again the cost of additional colors is about 4 more dollars than a typical nail polish color, but it's lasts sooo much longer.
Dry time: I LOVE THIS. having to paint 3 coats of anything is not my favorite but knowing that once I've popped my fingers under that blindingly blue light for a mere 60 seconds I can now touch anything without fear is amazing. I did dishes right after my first application. I am such an impatient person, so dry time is big for me.
It's at home: I do not have to carry on a conversation about who I'm dating/marrying/in to with a random Asain woman(or more often now man). I do not have to make time to go get my nails done at a salon. I also do not have to wonder where those nails tools have been and if they were sanitized properly.
It's pretty: It just is. painted nails are pretty and I'm a girly girl so I love to paint my nails.
Ok. Thats all I can think of for now. I'll add pictures of my nails at week two to let you see how it held up.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
My memory box treasure
Today as I cleaned out beneath my bed in my old room I found a box of "cherished" things. Most of it was silly junk but then I crossed this. It's a paper my brother wrote about me his (I believe this to be true) first year in college.
"I have known my sister, well, for all her life. When I was four years old, Keeley Janae Stelzer entered my world. I had always wanted a sibling but she might have been a little too much to handle. She had a set of lungs that could produce those bloodcurdling screams only heard in horror movies when someone was about to be dismembered. Her cries annoyed me so much that I often tried to silence her, which in turn, only made her scream louder than before. I had these great plans to gag her with a sock, but my mother always had a way of knowing when trouble was brewing, and she proceeded to spank me and send me to my room.
Growing up with my sister was an unforgettable experience. My sister and I fought constantly over stupid things like who got to sit where at the dinner table or who got to watch their favorite television show. A few years ago she was in the kitchen doing dishes while I was minding my own business when I 'accidentally' splashed water on her. She got one of those looks on her face that seemed to say, "Do that again and you will be eating through a straw," as she proceeded to threaten me with a spoon! Even though the expression on her face was dead serious, like that of a vicious Rottweiler preparing to attack, it only scared me as much as a Chihuahua's bark. She held the spoon high like Excalibur, preparing to strike me down. I scoffed, "A spoon, ha! Maybe if you threatened to stab me with a spork I would be scared," which caused my sister to look up at the spoon with dismay and embarrassment. As we realized the humor of the situation, we both burst into laughter.
My sister and I fought so much it was hard to keep track; yet a day finally came when the fighting ended for good. She was riding around on her "high horse" that day and I guess I was too. What the fight was over is not important--how it ended is. Our fighting became so elevated that I practically threw her through a wall. The whole house rumbled with the impact of her body, and created a sound like a violent thunderclap. Because our parents were used to the fighting, no one came rushing to see what happened. As she got up off the floor uninjured, we both looked at the wall and saw a hole about the size of a grapefruit. When my parents found out what happened, they very calmly grounded us both for a month. I was sixteen then; we haven't fought since.
Ever since the day the fighting stopped, my sister and I began to develop this strong bond. Since we were grounded and not able to hangout with our friends, we got to know each other better during out time together. I started to see talents and abilities that I never noticed before, such as her amazing ice skating ability. I would sometimes go to the ice rink and just watch her skate. She was very graceful, gliding on the ice as if her skates made brushstrokes on the icy canvas. She also love to sing and play guitar. She is not that great but I still enjoy listening. We enjoyed playing video games together. I always won, but she played them with me anyways. We developed the ability to talk to each other about anything. Sometimes at night she would come into my room and we would just share our thoughts about the problems of the day. She would tell me about the boys she liked and the songs she was writing. I listened intently because I knew that I would be leaving soon.
College came too quickly. I was ready, but I knew I would have to leave my friends, my family, and my sister behind. I did not want to lost this great relationship I was developing. There was still so much I did not know about my sister, and unfortunately just as I finally began to understand her I had to leave. Maybe I should have tried to throw her through a wall sooner. Maybe I could have learned a little more."
"I have known my sister, well, for all her life. When I was four years old, Keeley Janae Stelzer entered my world. I had always wanted a sibling but she might have been a little too much to handle. She had a set of lungs that could produce those bloodcurdling screams only heard in horror movies when someone was about to be dismembered. Her cries annoyed me so much that I often tried to silence her, which in turn, only made her scream louder than before. I had these great plans to gag her with a sock, but my mother always had a way of knowing when trouble was brewing, and she proceeded to spank me and send me to my room.
Growing up with my sister was an unforgettable experience. My sister and I fought constantly over stupid things like who got to sit where at the dinner table or who got to watch their favorite television show. A few years ago she was in the kitchen doing dishes while I was minding my own business when I 'accidentally' splashed water on her. She got one of those looks on her face that seemed to say, "Do that again and you will be eating through a straw," as she proceeded to threaten me with a spoon! Even though the expression on her face was dead serious, like that of a vicious Rottweiler preparing to attack, it only scared me as much as a Chihuahua's bark. She held the spoon high like Excalibur, preparing to strike me down. I scoffed, "A spoon, ha! Maybe if you threatened to stab me with a spork I would be scared," which caused my sister to look up at the spoon with dismay and embarrassment. As we realized the humor of the situation, we both burst into laughter.
My sister and I fought so much it was hard to keep track; yet a day finally came when the fighting ended for good. She was riding around on her "high horse" that day and I guess I was too. What the fight was over is not important--how it ended is. Our fighting became so elevated that I practically threw her through a wall. The whole house rumbled with the impact of her body, and created a sound like a violent thunderclap. Because our parents were used to the fighting, no one came rushing to see what happened. As she got up off the floor uninjured, we both looked at the wall and saw a hole about the size of a grapefruit. When my parents found out what happened, they very calmly grounded us both for a month. I was sixteen then; we haven't fought since.
Ever since the day the fighting stopped, my sister and I began to develop this strong bond. Since we were grounded and not able to hangout with our friends, we got to know each other better during out time together. I started to see talents and abilities that I never noticed before, such as her amazing ice skating ability. I would sometimes go to the ice rink and just watch her skate. She was very graceful, gliding on the ice as if her skates made brushstrokes on the icy canvas. She also love to sing and play guitar. She is not that great but I still enjoy listening. We enjoyed playing video games together. I always won, but she played them with me anyways. We developed the ability to talk to each other about anything. Sometimes at night she would come into my room and we would just share our thoughts about the problems of the day. She would tell me about the boys she liked and the songs she was writing. I listened intently because I knew that I would be leaving soon.
College came too quickly. I was ready, but I knew I would have to leave my friends, my family, and my sister behind. I did not want to lost this great relationship I was developing. There was still so much I did not know about my sister, and unfortunately just as I finally began to understand her I had to leave. Maybe I should have tried to throw her through a wall sooner. Maybe I could have learned a little more."
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Marriage advice
It seems to me that the people around me view my engagement as a reason for them to give me tidbits of information on life, love, money, and marriage. I have to say that unfortunately I am frequently warned about what I am "getting myself into". I'd probably have a lot of fear with that if it weren't for the simple fact that Daka constantly reminds me of truth. We openly acknowledge that marriage will not be all love notes and roses. One sinful person added to another sinful person does not equal perfection by any means. However, I am just over flowing with excitement for our pending nuptials. Tonight we discussed how marriage is a reflection to those around us of the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. Then Daka brought up a point that we, as the people inside the relationship looking outward, should have an even better understanding of that relationship.Our love for each other is a small reflection of Jesus' love for us. We will be called to make sacrifices for the other person. Asked to put away our pride(even when we are right and could be proud) for the sake of our love. It's so easy for me to forget the gravity of what Christ did for me on the cross. I am counting my blessings tonight as I reflect on his love for me. Daka can never fill my heart in the same way that Jesus does, but he is my reminder of a greater and more true love. So I say,to you who feel called to warn me away from the commitment of marriage, that I recognize the trials that will come but I will not fear them because I am made new. As a follower of Jesus with the holy living Spirit living with in me I relish the opportunity to show God's love to my soon to be husband. I hope that through our relationship I become better equipped to love those whom I would not normally make a choice to love. I alone can not cause my marriage to be a good one, no matter how hard I purpose that in my heart, it is only through Christ who gives me strength.
Friday, July 19, 2013
An ordinarily blessed day
I don't know what this post will bring, but I'm feeling inspired to write. Perhaps the inspiration comes from the loneliness of this apartment, or my lack of ability to entertain myself, no matter the reason I will type. Today I kept feeling so blessed to have such a bright future ahead of me. I kept thanking God for blessing me with an amazing Fiance. Then it hit me. I thank God for the things he gives me. Objects, people, happy moments in life, but I rarely thank him for his sacrifice. I rarely reflect on the gospel. Today isn't an extraordinary day. I read at the park for a bit, packed a box of clothing, facebook stalked, you know the norm. I forget to remind myself of the gospel. I live a happy life. I complain about my life too much, because really I am blessed beyond measure.As I prepare myself to become a wife in less than 5 months, I get nervous at how selfish and ungrateful I can be. But as I had my quiet time this afternoon I was reminded that I'm "perfectly imperfect". I'll never measure up. I'll never be holy enough, deserving enough of the gospel. My weakness is how Christ's light can shine. I'm lucky to know the savior personally. He is my portion. If everything was taken away from me (though I'd likely go through a devastated period) I would still have to give thanks. So today is my ordinarily blessed day. I am blessed daily. There is nothing extraordinary about it except the fact that I know the one true God and he cares enough to bless me daily.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Wedding planning is stressful and expensive and EXCITING!
No one told me wedding planning could be so stressful or that budgeting would feel impossible. But I have learned through this process just how blessed I am to have Daka in my life. I'm such a type A personality and everything stresses me out. Even when things are going well I have this unmerited fear that things will not go my way. Fortunately things rarely go my way and God humbles me. I don't always thank him in those moments but I am thankful for them. Today is a day where the stress is gone and I'm just enjoying it all. Due to the limited budget I am making a LOT of stuff myself. And while that may sound like a chore to some, I absolutely love it. I love knowing how much time and effort I put into the details. I am especially fond of the sweet ideas Daka has for the wedding. He is also so supportive when I feel the weight of the financial expense. Honestly I'm super excited to have a special day to look back on and remember through our years together, but kinda wish I could skip the whole planning thing. Things are not really going my way as far as budgeting. I feel as though I'm cutting so many corners and then another expense crops up to deplete the funds I thought I was saving. Food is the huge issue right now. I have no idea how we will feed our guests. It's no small feat to get a caterer willing to work with the budget I set apart for that. I'd love to put some of my love into cooking a meal but that is definitely impossible because well I'll be a little busy. Oh well. I feel so blessed. All I know about this process is that it has given me a greater love for the man that will soon be my husband. I can not imagine a life without him by my side. Hurry up December because I'm ready for the I do's already!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
We FINALLY set a date
Daka and I finally set a date for our wedding! God has blessed me with a job and that means we get to move forward in our wedding plans. There is so much excitement and yet definitely some stress. It's not as though I've planned a wedding before, or ever will again and my budget can fit into my pocket so it's going to be challenging. Along those lines there is the even smaller honeymoon budget and the BIG dream of going to Italy ever since I can remember. I even started saving for my honeymoon when I got my first job at 18. Unfortunately those funds have already been spent on the wedding. In addition to the financial situation I am looking to set up our future home and begin working. These are intimidating times but I also can't feel more blessed. I will soon be able to marry my best friend and we will start our lives together as a unit. I can not wait! We plan to marry THIS December, which means I had better get my tush to working to pull it all together. I start the new job August 7th so I have a little bit of time for planning until I begin. I think the Lord is using this packed time to make me into a more organized person. Here is to 164 days till the wedding! If the Lord allows Daka to student teach in Hoopeston then that's all the longer we will have to wait. If not, then we will unfortunately have to move the date back to May. Here's hoping for a short engagement!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
God is ALWAYS good
I have to keep reminding myself of that. God is ALWAYS good. My life is a bundle of loose ends right now. The future is bright but completely unknown at the moment. Everything is hinged upon my finding a job. That determines that date for the wedding, where I will be living, and where my ministry will be. The job I want isn't available until October, and I'm honestly not sure that I can wait for that(also it hasn't been offered to me haha). Loans will come a calling soon. There is so much stress when it comes to finances in my life. God has never let me down, yet in the circumstances I find myself doubting his goodness. I was reminded of the verse from Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
The passage ends by the encouragement of the joy that we can have when in Christ. No matter the circumstance, He is good and I will have joy.
The passage ends by the encouragement of the joy that we can have when in Christ. No matter the circumstance, He is good and I will have joy.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Future Mrs. Wiedeman
It's happening. I'm going to be THAT girl who posts about her engagement. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear the details, but then again if you didn't you wouldn't be here anyway. I'll keep this as short as possible.
Who is he? Daka Wiedeman is an amazing man who loves the Lord. He's from a family of 9 (5 sisters 1 brother). He's a student who has persevered through a lot to get to where he is today. He is incredibly respectful of me and has, from the very beginning, proven he can be a leader.
How did we meet? Well it was almost three years ago(Sep. 2010). He came to the apartment Alyssa and I shared for a get to know everyone in CRU hangout. We met and talked briefly and I thought nothing of it because I was not a single woman then.
The Interim between being friends and dating: We became friends. I became single, and he became interested. Our friendship grew through chatting and hanging out. Surprisingly I always felt comfortable sharing deep things with him (though looking back on it I should have protected our hearts better than I did.) Daka made his feelings known (I believe around Feb 2011). At the time I only saw him as a friend and turned down his offer to take me on a date. We tried the friends thing despite his feelings for me and it didn't really work. Eventually his unreciprocated feelings caused him to step back from our friendship. We still interacted but barely. Early in 2012 we started to get to a point where we could be around each other more often. Then in Early May (still 2012) some friends and I had a brilliant idea to celebrate the end of school by watching all the movies Tom Hanks had ever had a decent role in. Oh Summer. One of the friends who co-created the TomHanks-a-thon was Daka's roommate. All of the movie watching ended up commencing at Daka's apartment. And we started to rebuild a friendship. Daka and I ended up being the ones to really keep the movie watching going ( I didn't know it then but mostly because he wanted an excuse to hang out with me). I began to become interested in him in a way I hadn't been before. I saw potential for something more than just a friendship. BUT I figured I needed to stifle these feelings because a guy who has asked you on a date once and was rejected wouldn't ask again right? I wanted him to be the one to initiate but I figured he wouldn't, I doubted he felt the same way. It started to get to the point that my desire to know him outside of the context of friendship was too distracting for me to have real friendship. I talked it over with a close friend and decided I needed to tell Daka that I was interested in him as more than a friend and because of that needed to set boundaries to keep my heart guarded since he didn't return the feelings(so I thought). A few nights before I was going to tell him, he kept me back as our friends left another showing of Tom Hanks' masterpieces. He asked if I would go on a date with him and I accepted this time.
Fast forward to the proposal already!
We dated near each other and far from each other (Though not as far as many). I grew to respect and love him. He just cared for me so well! I knew I wanted to say I love you to him around month 8 of dating, but the verbal commitment needed to come with more. We decided as soon as we started dating to wait to say those words until there was a bigger commitment of marriage. 3 months of waiting to speak that to him with the expectation of waiting much much longer came and went by. On June 10th after 11 months of dating he asked.
How did he ask?
Once while we were dating I took Daka to one of my favorite places, the train trestles in kickapoo state park. He loved it and I loved sharing that secret place with him(as well as friends). My friend Leah and I had been wanting to go there this summer and Daka also brought it up. So I decided to get some friends together to make it a day. My brother, Daka, my friend Leah, Daka's sisters Adriel and Sabriah, as well as Sabriah's fiance Eric all decided to go. I had frequently in the past few months hoped that he would propose but had to continually fight to enjoy my time with him and not have expectations. When you go hiking you don't put on make up, you don't try to look cute. I had a brief moment as I had many times in the recent past where I thought....what if he proposes and you look like this, but I put it away. I wasn't going to have any unrealistic expectations. So sweaty from cleaning, ponytailed and makeup less and I was off.
Besides Daka is so sentimental he'd NEVER ask in front of anyone. Josh and I drove out to the little nugget to meet the rest of the party coming into town from Blo/No. They followed us into the spot where we could park our cars and start the hike.
Side note:Eric Floberg is an amazingly talented photographer, I guess it should have tipped me off but I really expected him to bring his camera, I mean this spot is amazing of course he'd want to capture some photographs.
Once we hiked up and through the over grown path we made it to the Trestles(train tracks suspended 80ft over a small river). Eric is not a fan of heights, and there is nothing to keep you from falling off the edge. We started to walk across, Daka in the lead the Eric Sabriah and I following close, with Leah, Adriel, and Josh following a ways behind. I figured the slow pokers were just having more trouble with the heights. Daka sat down and asked me to sit beside him Sabriah and Eric continued ahead where they sat and took pictures.
There were NO signs anything would happen. Daka opened his backpack and......grabbed a bottle of water. He started to drink and we chatted a little bit. Then he put it away and pulled out a plastic bag, handed it to me telling me it was a gift.
Was he being sweet since it had been 11 months? Why was he doing this in front of people? Looking through the bag I saw something red and square like a large box. My thoughts went to engagement, but as I opened the bag to see a journal I put those thoughts away once again. Then he told me he wrote something to me in the journal and that I needed to read it. 1pg in to the 5 front and back pages and I knew. I started to cry. Oh how he showed me his love for me as he commended my character, and told me why he cared for me. The last few lines said..."I guess what I am trying to say is..." then an arrow on the other page. I thought the arrow was pointing to him leading him to pop the question. He just sat there and smiled, so I turned another page...and another...and then I skipped a BUNCH(31 to be exact) to see a cut out box through the pages where a picture of my ring lay and the words Will you Marry Me? were written. I asked if he was serious....silly question I know. He said he was and I said yes!
Daka handed me a pen to write in my answer and then for the first time told me those sweet words. "I love you." Gosh Daka I love you so much. I am excited for the time ahead. I know that because we are sinners there will be trials, but I'm so glad to work together through life with him.
My ring is on it's way. It's just a symbol so I'm not too concerned about it. It's being handmade and though it was ordered 5 weeks before he proposed I may not get it until August(at the latest). I'm just so grateful that this man can deal with my insanity.
Daka Wiedeman, I love you.
Who is he? Daka Wiedeman is an amazing man who loves the Lord. He's from a family of 9 (5 sisters 1 brother). He's a student who has persevered through a lot to get to where he is today. He is incredibly respectful of me and has, from the very beginning, proven he can be a leader.
How did we meet? Well it was almost three years ago(Sep. 2010). He came to the apartment Alyssa and I shared for a get to know everyone in CRU hangout. We met and talked briefly and I thought nothing of it because I was not a single woman then.
The Interim between being friends and dating: We became friends. I became single, and he became interested. Our friendship grew through chatting and hanging out. Surprisingly I always felt comfortable sharing deep things with him (though looking back on it I should have protected our hearts better than I did.) Daka made his feelings known (I believe around Feb 2011). At the time I only saw him as a friend and turned down his offer to take me on a date. We tried the friends thing despite his feelings for me and it didn't really work. Eventually his unreciprocated feelings caused him to step back from our friendship. We still interacted but barely. Early in 2012 we started to get to a point where we could be around each other more often. Then in Early May (still 2012) some friends and I had a brilliant idea to celebrate the end of school by watching all the movies Tom Hanks had ever had a decent role in. Oh Summer. One of the friends who co-created the TomHanks-a-thon was Daka's roommate. All of the movie watching ended up commencing at Daka's apartment. And we started to rebuild a friendship. Daka and I ended up being the ones to really keep the movie watching going ( I didn't know it then but mostly because he wanted an excuse to hang out with me). I began to become interested in him in a way I hadn't been before. I saw potential for something more than just a friendship. BUT I figured I needed to stifle these feelings because a guy who has asked you on a date once and was rejected wouldn't ask again right? I wanted him to be the one to initiate but I figured he wouldn't, I doubted he felt the same way. It started to get to the point that my desire to know him outside of the context of friendship was too distracting for me to have real friendship. I talked it over with a close friend and decided I needed to tell Daka that I was interested in him as more than a friend and because of that needed to set boundaries to keep my heart guarded since he didn't return the feelings(so I thought). A few nights before I was going to tell him, he kept me back as our friends left another showing of Tom Hanks' masterpieces. He asked if I would go on a date with him and I accepted this time.
 |
| Our First Picture as a couple....and well ever. |
Fast forward to the proposal already!
We dated near each other and far from each other (Though not as far as many). I grew to respect and love him. He just cared for me so well! I knew I wanted to say I love you to him around month 8 of dating, but the verbal commitment needed to come with more. We decided as soon as we started dating to wait to say those words until there was a bigger commitment of marriage. 3 months of waiting to speak that to him with the expectation of waiting much much longer came and went by. On June 10th after 11 months of dating he asked.
How did he ask?
Once while we were dating I took Daka to one of my favorite places, the train trestles in kickapoo state park. He loved it and I loved sharing that secret place with him(as well as friends). My friend Leah and I had been wanting to go there this summer and Daka also brought it up. So I decided to get some friends together to make it a day. My brother, Daka, my friend Leah, Daka's sisters Adriel and Sabriah, as well as Sabriah's fiance Eric all decided to go. I had frequently in the past few months hoped that he would propose but had to continually fight to enjoy my time with him and not have expectations. When you go hiking you don't put on make up, you don't try to look cute. I had a brief moment as I had many times in the recent past where I thought....what if he proposes and you look like this, but I put it away. I wasn't going to have any unrealistic expectations. So sweaty from cleaning, ponytailed and makeup less and I was off.
Besides Daka is so sentimental he'd NEVER ask in front of anyone. Josh and I drove out to the little nugget to meet the rest of the party coming into town from Blo/No. They followed us into the spot where we could park our cars and start the hike.
Side note:Eric Floberg is an amazingly talented photographer, I guess it should have tipped me off but I really expected him to bring his camera, I mean this spot is amazing of course he'd want to capture some photographs.
Once we hiked up and through the over grown path we made it to the Trestles(train tracks suspended 80ft over a small river). Eric is not a fan of heights, and there is nothing to keep you from falling off the edge. We started to walk across, Daka in the lead the Eric Sabriah and I following close, with Leah, Adriel, and Josh following a ways behind. I figured the slow pokers were just having more trouble with the heights. Daka sat down and asked me to sit beside him Sabriah and Eric continued ahead where they sat and took pictures.
There were NO signs anything would happen. Daka opened his backpack and......grabbed a bottle of water. He started to drink and we chatted a little bit. Then he put it away and pulled out a plastic bag, handed it to me telling me it was a gift.
Was he being sweet since it had been 11 months? Why was he doing this in front of people? Looking through the bag I saw something red and square like a large box. My thoughts went to engagement, but as I opened the bag to see a journal I put those thoughts away once again. Then he told me he wrote something to me in the journal and that I needed to read it. 1pg in to the 5 front and back pages and I knew. I started to cry. Oh how he showed me his love for me as he commended my character, and told me why he cared for me. The last few lines said..."I guess what I am trying to say is..." then an arrow on the other page. I thought the arrow was pointing to him leading him to pop the question. He just sat there and smiled, so I turned another page...and another...and then I skipped a BUNCH(31 to be exact) to see a cut out box through the pages where a picture of my ring lay and the words Will you Marry Me? were written. I asked if he was serious....silly question I know. He said he was and I said yes!
Daka handed me a pen to write in my answer and then for the first time told me those sweet words. "I love you." Gosh Daka I love you so much. I am excited for the time ahead. I know that because we are sinners there will be trials, but I'm so glad to work together through life with him.
My ring is on it's way. It's just a symbol so I'm not too concerned about it. It's being handmade and though it was ordered 5 weeks before he proposed I may not get it until August(at the latest). I'm just so grateful that this man can deal with my insanity.
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| I love his sneaky face here. |
Daka Wiedeman, I love you.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I am beautiful
It's funny how frustrating being a woman can be. As I fight the battle of overeating, I have victorious days and ones that are not filled with delight. Today is a mixture of both. I have eaten decently all day, I ran 2.5 miles and did an arm workout. Even though I should be celebrating my success for the day I can't help but point out the flaws. I tried on an old pair of jeans and they were uncomfortably tight. So I allowed this to ruin the rest of my day. Emotionally I think my appearance will always be a struggle. I just wish I could let go of the concern I have over it. So what if I have a great day and do everything right, or have an awful day and go back for the seconds I do not need, or binge when I get home from work. I am beautiful. My appearance may not always be the loveliest, but I am beautiful. I rarely believe this statement. But even though I may not always believe it I know it's true. God is continually changing me to be more like him and he is beautiful. The more I become like Jesus the more lovely I become. I'm going to have to tell myself this a lot today when I feel so defeated. When my efforts seems like they just aren't enough, but I'll remind myself and maybe one day I might actually believe it.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
An Eating Disorder pt 2
For those of you who didn't read my pt 1 I suggest you go to that post in January before you read further.
So for a while now I have been struggling with obsessive overeating. This is more than your I stuffed myself too full at dinner scenario. I described in my previous post how much it overcame me. My thoughts were dedicated to food. My over consumption of food was hidden really well. Truthfully food was, and sometimes still is, an idol in my life.
If you don't struggle with this I don't expect you to understand. But I'm sure that if you're a female you can probably relate to the issues that tag a long with an eating disorder. When I would overeat I felt immediate remorse. I felt out of control and doomed to fail again and again. I would cry myself to sleep, or run to food again for comfort. Food is not a comforter. God is a comforter. I have prayed for myself in this area a lot. I have asked for prayer for the symptoms that tagged along with it such as: self hate, depression, thoughts of self mutilation and even sometimes suicide. But I was too embarrassed to talk about the fact that I was consumed by food.
Then I started to see that hiding it gave it more power over me. So I blogged. Still ashamed I didn't post it publicly to anyone who wasn't subscribed to my page. Then I started sharing with close friends. But I still battled. I think I will always battle this in one way or another. But lately I am seeing victory.
I called Kristen one night crying after a binge, and a tearful talk with my boyfriend who had no idea how much it really affected me. So we prayed. Or more like She prayed over me and i cried. And while I still have to put myself in check, do I need any more food? Is this how God wants me to treat the body he gave me? etc. I am getting to see victory.
I, like many women compare my body to others. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel attractive. When I look in the mirror I don't see that. (please don't try to compliment me to make me feel better) But God made me. And what God makes is good. So as I am learning to treat my body well because it is his creation, I'm also doing my best to silence the thoughts of self hate.
I want to be fit. But I don't want that to take the place of my over eating either. Replacing one idol with another doesn't fix the problem. So I'm learning to not beat myself up, because God made me for his glory and not my own.
I guess I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this. I'm not sure anyone cares, but I just wanted to give God some glory. He is fighting my battles for me. He cares about something as silly as this. He cares for even a wretch like me. God has to be my satisfaction. I desire that. He is good.
So for a while now I have been struggling with obsessive overeating. This is more than your I stuffed myself too full at dinner scenario. I described in my previous post how much it overcame me. My thoughts were dedicated to food. My over consumption of food was hidden really well. Truthfully food was, and sometimes still is, an idol in my life.
If you don't struggle with this I don't expect you to understand. But I'm sure that if you're a female you can probably relate to the issues that tag a long with an eating disorder. When I would overeat I felt immediate remorse. I felt out of control and doomed to fail again and again. I would cry myself to sleep, or run to food again for comfort. Food is not a comforter. God is a comforter. I have prayed for myself in this area a lot. I have asked for prayer for the symptoms that tagged along with it such as: self hate, depression, thoughts of self mutilation and even sometimes suicide. But I was too embarrassed to talk about the fact that I was consumed by food.
Then I started to see that hiding it gave it more power over me. So I blogged. Still ashamed I didn't post it publicly to anyone who wasn't subscribed to my page. Then I started sharing with close friends. But I still battled. I think I will always battle this in one way or another. But lately I am seeing victory.
I called Kristen one night crying after a binge, and a tearful talk with my boyfriend who had no idea how much it really affected me. So we prayed. Or more like She prayed over me and i cried. And while I still have to put myself in check, do I need any more food? Is this how God wants me to treat the body he gave me? etc. I am getting to see victory.
I, like many women compare my body to others. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel attractive. When I look in the mirror I don't see that. (please don't try to compliment me to make me feel better) But God made me. And what God makes is good. So as I am learning to treat my body well because it is his creation, I'm also doing my best to silence the thoughts of self hate.
I want to be fit. But I don't want that to take the place of my over eating either. Replacing one idol with another doesn't fix the problem. So I'm learning to not beat myself up, because God made me for his glory and not my own.
I guess I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this. I'm not sure anyone cares, but I just wanted to give God some glory. He is fighting my battles for me. He cares about something as silly as this. He cares for even a wretch like me. God has to be my satisfaction. I desire that. He is good.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Oh the lies Satan whispers
So I've been mustering up the courage to write this blog for over a month now, and I'm sure I'll have to gain the courage to post this if that comes about.
So just to update you with what is left in my schooling: Finish a medical and school internship, pass Praxis, and pass Comprehensive Exams.
Having so desired to work with the cleft palate population since my junior year of undergrad I was ecstatic about getting the opportunity to work at Children's on a Cleft Palate-Craniofacial team. Little did I know how little I knew, haha. I loved my internship but it was a HUGE learning curve. I'm not one who jumps right in because well I'm a perfectionist and if I'm not sure I can do it right then I'd rather not try. Some people also refer to that as lazy. I get so in my head and so down on myself that I let any imperfection rule my life. Leading me to my first lie.
Lie #1 You Are Inadequate.
Satan is very good at his job, he loves to mix a little lie in with truth or to take truth and give it a different meaning, turning it into a lie. The latter is what happened here. I Am Inadequate. Or rather was inadequate. I am imperfect sinful and missing something that something was Jesus. Luckily over the years I have gotten to know him. He has changed my life. Given me purpose. Made me WHOLE.
So I probably wasn't the best candidate for the position at the hospital, but I was fortunate that God has built me to adapt, learn, follow, lead, take instruction, well he's given me a lot of qualities so I'll leave it at that.
So I'm in this internship working a 40hr week and coming home exhausted. I stop finding time to renew. I stop seeking relationship with the one person who can fill the holes in my life, my creator God. My spiritual grow is at a standstill, actually more of a back slide because the longer I go without meeting with him the less I have a desire for him. I stop finding my worth where I should and start finding it in what I am accomplishing.
All the while I am preparing for examinations that are coming up. Little by little I give in to my tired attitude and study far less than I should. I take the Praxis. I pass. I praise the Lord in the moment and move right along.
Next comes Comps, I definitely studied more for this than Praxis and I'm feeling pretty confident. I take the exam leave and felt like WOW that was difficult. But God has led me this far so I'm sure I passed. A couple days later I get the email, "We regret to inform you that you have not passed comprehensive exams. The university is required to give you two more attempts to show your knowledge". I wrote that from memory that's how stuck it was in my head. This leads me to the second lie
Lie #2 God's plan is not enough.
God's plan for my life is to bring him glory in all that I do. To share his love with others. To direct them to him. That is my purpose. He can use a career, or no job, or a different job to accomplish it. He does not revolve around my plans.
Broken hearted I cry over my problems as though my world has ended. I complain, worry, and get depressed. I run to others for prayer and forget to run to my Abba, my Father, the one who cares most for me.
After difficult but truthful words from some important people in my life, my sin is pointed out and I am pressed to confess to the father my idols. I start reading the word again, I start clinging to him again and I get to Jeremiah 29. You know it I'm sure. The over quoted scripture that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have heard it and been comforted by it before but what happened this time was the comfort I got from the surrounding verses. The people were in exile. For 70 years mind you. And God is speaking comfort to them. Man I would have a hard time believing it if I didn't have scripture showing me how faithful God is.
So I start to cling to truth. God spoke to my heart multiple times through the depression and justification and restoration for Israel in these scriptures.
I retook the Comprehensive exams, and I didn't do so well to rely on Christ. I was filled with fear. My idols were still in place. They still are and I have a feeling it's going to take some time to real restoration to take place. But surprisingly I am excited for it. I want the sin in my life to come to light. I want to be restored and made new. I want the lies to be defeated and my worship directed to He who deserves it not to myself, or career.
To end on a happy note, I passed my exam. I was humbled by the retake and so thankful not to have to lose this career. I am still struggling to meet with God daily. I hope rereading this on occasion will remind me that God desires to be first, and rightly so. So if you think of me Pray.
Pray that God is all I live for. Pray that when I stray it's not long before I run back into his arms. Pray that my faithfulness increases and my idols are broken. Pray that I stop giving Sin an opening in my life. Pray that how I live gives God glory, and brings people to him. Pray that I fearlessly proclaim his name and his gospel.
-Keeley
So just to update you with what is left in my schooling: Finish a medical and school internship, pass Praxis, and pass Comprehensive Exams.
Having so desired to work with the cleft palate population since my junior year of undergrad I was ecstatic about getting the opportunity to work at Children's on a Cleft Palate-Craniofacial team. Little did I know how little I knew, haha. I loved my internship but it was a HUGE learning curve. I'm not one who jumps right in because well I'm a perfectionist and if I'm not sure I can do it right then I'd rather not try. Some people also refer to that as lazy. I get so in my head and so down on myself that I let any imperfection rule my life. Leading me to my first lie.
Lie #1 You Are Inadequate.
Satan is very good at his job, he loves to mix a little lie in with truth or to take truth and give it a different meaning, turning it into a lie. The latter is what happened here. I Am Inadequate. Or rather was inadequate. I am imperfect sinful and missing something that something was Jesus. Luckily over the years I have gotten to know him. He has changed my life. Given me purpose. Made me WHOLE.
So I probably wasn't the best candidate for the position at the hospital, but I was fortunate that God has built me to adapt, learn, follow, lead, take instruction, well he's given me a lot of qualities so I'll leave it at that.
So I'm in this internship working a 40hr week and coming home exhausted. I stop finding time to renew. I stop seeking relationship with the one person who can fill the holes in my life, my creator God. My spiritual grow is at a standstill, actually more of a back slide because the longer I go without meeting with him the less I have a desire for him. I stop finding my worth where I should and start finding it in what I am accomplishing.
All the while I am preparing for examinations that are coming up. Little by little I give in to my tired attitude and study far less than I should. I take the Praxis. I pass. I praise the Lord in the moment and move right along.
Next comes Comps, I definitely studied more for this than Praxis and I'm feeling pretty confident. I take the exam leave and felt like WOW that was difficult. But God has led me this far so I'm sure I passed. A couple days later I get the email, "We regret to inform you that you have not passed comprehensive exams. The university is required to give you two more attempts to show your knowledge". I wrote that from memory that's how stuck it was in my head. This leads me to the second lie
Lie #2 God's plan is not enough.
God's plan for my life is to bring him glory in all that I do. To share his love with others. To direct them to him. That is my purpose. He can use a career, or no job, or a different job to accomplish it. He does not revolve around my plans.
Broken hearted I cry over my problems as though my world has ended. I complain, worry, and get depressed. I run to others for prayer and forget to run to my Abba, my Father, the one who cares most for me.
After difficult but truthful words from some important people in my life, my sin is pointed out and I am pressed to confess to the father my idols. I start reading the word again, I start clinging to him again and I get to Jeremiah 29. You know it I'm sure. The over quoted scripture that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have heard it and been comforted by it before but what happened this time was the comfort I got from the surrounding verses. The people were in exile. For 70 years mind you. And God is speaking comfort to them. Man I would have a hard time believing it if I didn't have scripture showing me how faithful God is.
So I start to cling to truth. God spoke to my heart multiple times through the depression and justification and restoration for Israel in these scriptures.
I retook the Comprehensive exams, and I didn't do so well to rely on Christ. I was filled with fear. My idols were still in place. They still are and I have a feeling it's going to take some time to real restoration to take place. But surprisingly I am excited for it. I want the sin in my life to come to light. I want to be restored and made new. I want the lies to be defeated and my worship directed to He who deserves it not to myself, or career.
To end on a happy note, I passed my exam. I was humbled by the retake and so thankful not to have to lose this career. I am still struggling to meet with God daily. I hope rereading this on occasion will remind me that God desires to be first, and rightly so. So if you think of me Pray.
Pray that God is all I live for. Pray that when I stray it's not long before I run back into his arms. Pray that my faithfulness increases and my idols are broken. Pray that I stop giving Sin an opening in my life. Pray that how I live gives God glory, and brings people to him. Pray that I fearlessly proclaim his name and his gospel.
-Keeley
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
A type "A" night mare
What does that title mean? Well it means last night I had a nightmare. Not your typical, there is an axe murderer in my closet sort of nightmare, no this one was tailored to my type A personality. The more I reflect on it the more comical it gets but I really just had to share it.
It started out with me waking up late. My alarm didn't go off and I sleepily looked at my watch just to notice that it was 8:00. I get to work at 8:45 and my alarm usually goes off at 6:30. I jump up and decide that I really do need to shower before work so I'll have to be a little late but at least I won't smell. I shower. After, when I go into the kitchen I notice that the clock on my coffee maker doesn't match my watch. Then I walk into my bedroom and notice that the clock on my desk is different than both my watch and coffee pot. Then I pick up my phone and it also has a completely different time! I look at my front door and notice that I didn't lock it the night before. Someone in my building had come into my apartment in the middle of the night and changed all of the clocks. This included the watch that was on my arm as I slept. Frightening. I couldn't even tell if I was late to work now or not. Seeing as I usually wake up before my alarm on a typical day I figure I'm probably not late but I'll text my supervisor to be sure. I am late in fact but after telling her my apartment was broken into she just says to get things inorder and get to work as soon as possible. I go to dress and on the mirrors of my closet there are messages written to me. "Working out hard enough lately?" "not going to be late are you?" and other things that I obsess over that noone in my building would know about me. At this point I am freaking out as to what has gone on in my apartment that I do not know about. hurriedly I dress and start my walk to work trying to sort out how this could have come about. (side note: the brain works in funny way because as things started to not make sense it made up excuses for the wholes in my whole dream). I "remembered" that I had been at a party the night before with Daka and everyone in my building. The guys were all serving the beverages to the girls. I deduced that they had drugged us and gotten our keys from our coats that night. Oh also apparently something similar happened to every girl in my building, tailored specifically to the things that really bother us. And then I woke up.
I know it's no serial killer out to get you sort of thing but I was spooked. Hope you enjoyed my frightening dream.
It started out with me waking up late. My alarm didn't go off and I sleepily looked at my watch just to notice that it was 8:00. I get to work at 8:45 and my alarm usually goes off at 6:30. I jump up and decide that I really do need to shower before work so I'll have to be a little late but at least I won't smell. I shower. After, when I go into the kitchen I notice that the clock on my coffee maker doesn't match my watch. Then I walk into my bedroom and notice that the clock on my desk is different than both my watch and coffee pot. Then I pick up my phone and it also has a completely different time! I look at my front door and notice that I didn't lock it the night before. Someone in my building had come into my apartment in the middle of the night and changed all of the clocks. This included the watch that was on my arm as I slept. Frightening. I couldn't even tell if I was late to work now or not. Seeing as I usually wake up before my alarm on a typical day I figure I'm probably not late but I'll text my supervisor to be sure. I am late in fact but after telling her my apartment was broken into she just says to get things inorder and get to work as soon as possible. I go to dress and on the mirrors of my closet there are messages written to me. "Working out hard enough lately?" "not going to be late are you?" and other things that I obsess over that noone in my building would know about me. At this point I am freaking out as to what has gone on in my apartment that I do not know about. hurriedly I dress and start my walk to work trying to sort out how this could have come about. (side note: the brain works in funny way because as things started to not make sense it made up excuses for the wholes in my whole dream). I "remembered" that I had been at a party the night before with Daka and everyone in my building. The guys were all serving the beverages to the girls. I deduced that they had drugged us and gotten our keys from our coats that night. Oh also apparently something similar happened to every girl in my building, tailored specifically to the things that really bother us. And then I woke up.
I know it's no serial killer out to get you sort of thing but I was spooked. Hope you enjoyed my frightening dream.
Friday, January 18, 2013
An eating disorder
This is not my typical happy go lucky post. The ONLY reason I'm even writing this is because I just feel like speaking these words to anyone is too difficult. But I can write them. So I am doing just that. I believe I have an eating disorder. I can't really pin point when it started but luckily it hasn't plagued me for years. I'm not your typical person. I'm not anorexic(just look at me, very well fed) and I'm not bulimic, no I'm something else entirely. I binge. I don't just over eat at meals though sometimes that occurs. No this bingeing happens out of the public eye, and on many many occasions. When I'm at home and I'm FULL from the days meals and I just can't stop myself from eating. Some days I don't fight this fight. Some days I am a perfectly normal 24yr old. But other days I cry because for no reason I just sit and eat. Nothing has to trigger it. I can have the best day and just eat and eat until I feel SICK. It happened a few days ago again. I had been so "healthy" all day. oatmeal for breakfast spinach salad for lunch soup for dinner. I was content. Then I decided crackers sounded good, and more sounded better, then chocolate milk, then a s'more, then pretzels, then something else I don't quite remember but I remember falling asleep crying over how miserable I felt. How ugly. How fat. How worthless. I thought things would get better being in a relationship. I thought having someone beside me affirming me would finally convince me that I was enough. That food didn't need to control me. I guess that's not how it goes. I don't really know what to do. I don't really want your advice, or your input. I don't care that you may judge me, because I do that enough myself. I remember when I first started to notice it. I remember I didn't want to eat around people. It was my first year of grad school. I had 4 roommates. I might eat dinner with them. But then when I would get a snack or binge, I hid it. I felt like they would judge then I went back to that cabinet yet again. I'm active enough to counter act the weight gain that goes along with this disorder, but not entirely. It just doesn't seem real. It seems like I'm just a girl who needs to get her act together and have some self control, but when it happens it's like you can't control anything. You just do. I can tell my self a million times over if I keep eating I will loathe myself an hour later, or I'll have to work out all day the next day, or I'll have to restrict to make up for the calories. But it doesn't matter. I just don't stop. I know that it is making food my god, my ruler, but even knowing that doesn't spur on change. Maybe I'm praying for the wrong things. Maybe asking for this to stop isn't what I need. Maybe I just need to be satisfied with me. But I can't be satisfied if this is my life. I can't cry over this, or hide this any more. I can't keep feeling ashamed that I struggle.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Adjusting to the city.
Today is 6 months spent dating Daka Wiedeman. Pretty great stuff I tell you what. I'm so lucky to have a man who is a godly leader, and really cares for me and for our future. I respect that man so much. Yesterday we got to see each other, it had been a little over two weeks. We explored the down town area together, ate lunch at pickles deli, and had dessert at the cup (an amazing cupcake place). Then we just caught up on lost time, acted like our silly selves and made dinner together. It was lovely. Today I walked to Children's hospital to meet with my supervisor. I have a feeling I am really going to love working there. It was such a relief to know what her expectations of me were and just how many different experiences I would be getting. I can even pick and choose what types of therapies I want to be involved in when she doesn't have clients! I admit my stomach was in knots as I walked there feeling inadequate and unprepared but I am just overjoyed just to learn from her. Well I'd better get out of this place for now and get some housework and errands done. Peace out girl scouts. :)
Monday, January 7, 2013
A new year, a new home, and some resolution thrown in.
Okay I promised a blog once I had internet, but I'm still working out the kinks of getting it set up in my apartment. So here I am at the Coffee Cartel (a 24/7 shop in st louis) drinking a yummy chai latte and I'm ready to let you in on the recent events in my life. Since I moved away from home in 2009 this will be my 8th move, crazy! I was excited to really feel as though I was on my own making my way in the world with this move. But as soon as I got here I missed my old life, my friends, family, and especially church fam. The first night I had to sleep on the floor in an unpacked apartment with no furniture. Moving boxes and other things up 3 flights of stairs as 2-5 old men looked on was not the best first experience. But once my parents came the next day bringing the rest of my things with them and I set up my place it felt a lot more like home. So here are some pics:
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| Living room & |
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| It duels as my bedroom |
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| My creepy bathroom |
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| view from the dining room |
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| Dining area right off the living area |
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| Kitchen. Tiny but has a big pantry |
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| Serious family |
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| Happy family |
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