An eating disorder

This is not my typical happy go lucky post. The ONLY reason I'm even writing this is because I just feel like speaking these words to anyone is too difficult. But I can write them. So I am doing just that. I believe I have an eating disorder. I can't really pin point when it started but luckily it hasn't plagued me for years. I'm not your typical person. I'm not anorexic(just look at me, very well fed) and I'm not bulimic, no I'm something else entirely. I binge. I don't just over eat at meals though sometimes that occurs.  No this bingeing happens out of the public eye, and on many many occasions. When I'm at home and I'm FULL from the days meals and I just can't stop myself from eating. Some days I don't fight this fight. Some days I am a perfectly normal 24yr old. But other days I cry because for no reason I just sit and eat. Nothing has to trigger it. I can have the best day and just eat and eat until I feel SICK. It happened a few days ago again. I had been so "healthy" all day. oatmeal for breakfast spinach salad for lunch soup for dinner. I was content. Then I decided crackers sounded good, and more sounded better, then chocolate milk, then a s'more, then pretzels, then something else I don't quite remember but I remember falling asleep crying over how miserable I felt. How ugly. How fat. How worthless. I thought things would get better being in a relationship. I thought having someone beside me affirming me would finally convince me that I was enough. That food didn't need to control me. I guess that's not how it goes. I don't really know what to do. I don't really want your advice, or your input. I don't care that you may judge me, because I do that enough myself. I remember when I first started to notice it. I remember I didn't want to eat around people. It was my first year of grad school. I had 4 roommates. I might eat dinner with them. But then when I would get a snack or binge, I hid it. I felt like they would judge then I went back to that cabinet yet again. I'm active enough to counter act the weight gain that goes along with this disorder, but not entirely. It just doesn't seem real. It seems like I'm just a girl who needs to get her act together and have some self control, but when it happens it's like you can't control anything. You just do. I can tell my self a million times over if I keep eating I will loathe myself an hour later, or I'll have to work out all day the next day, or I'll have to restrict to make up for the calories. But it doesn't matter. I just don't stop. I know that it is making food my god, my ruler, but even knowing that doesn't spur on change. Maybe I'm praying for the wrong things. Maybe asking for this to stop isn't what I need. Maybe I just need to be satisfied with me. But I can't be satisfied if this is my life. I can't cry over this, or hide this any more. I can't keep feeling ashamed that I struggle.