An Eating Disorder pt 2

For those of you who didn't read my pt 1 I suggest you go to that post in January before you read further.

So for a while now I have been struggling with obsessive overeating. This is more than your I stuffed myself too full at dinner scenario. I described in my previous post how much it overcame me. My thoughts were dedicated to food. My over consumption of food was hidden really well. Truthfully food was, and sometimes still is, an idol in my life.

If you don't struggle with this I don't expect you to understand. But I'm sure that if you're a female you can probably relate to the issues that tag a long with an eating disorder. When I would overeat I felt immediate remorse. I felt out of control and doomed to fail again and again. I would cry myself to sleep, or run to food again for comfort. Food is not a comforter. God is a comforter. I have prayed for myself in this area a lot. I have asked for prayer for the symptoms that tagged along with it such as: self hate, depression, thoughts of self mutilation and even sometimes suicide. But I was too embarrassed to talk about the fact that I was consumed by food.

Then I started to see that hiding it gave it more power over me. So I blogged. Still ashamed I didn't post it publicly to anyone who wasn't subscribed to my page. Then I started sharing with close friends. But I still battled. I think I will always battle this in one way or another. But lately I am seeing victory.

I called Kristen one night crying after a binge, and a tearful talk with my boyfriend who had no idea how much it really affected me. So we prayed. Or more like She prayed over me and i cried. And while I still have to put myself in check, do I need any more food? Is this how God wants me to treat the body he gave me? etc. I am getting to see victory.

I, like many women compare my body to others. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel attractive. When I look in the mirror I don't see that.  (please don't try to compliment me to make me feel better) But God made me. And what God makes is good. So as I am learning to treat my body well because it is his creation, I'm also doing my best to silence the thoughts of self hate.

I want to be fit. But I don't want that to take the place of my over eating either. Replacing one idol with another doesn't fix the problem. So I'm learning to not beat myself up, because God made me for his glory and not my own.

I guess I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this. I'm not sure anyone cares, but I just wanted to give God some glory. He is fighting my battles for me. He cares about something as silly as this. He cares for even a wretch like me. God has to be my satisfaction. I desire that. He is good.