So I've been mustering up the courage to write this blog for over a month now, and I'm sure I'll have to gain the courage to post this if that comes about.
So just to update you with what is left in my schooling: Finish a medical and school internship, pass Praxis, and pass Comprehensive Exams.
Having so desired to work with the cleft palate population since my junior year of undergrad I was ecstatic about getting the opportunity to work at Children's on a Cleft Palate-Craniofacial team. Little did I know how little I knew, haha. I loved my internship but it was a HUGE learning curve. I'm not one who jumps right in because well I'm a perfectionist and if I'm not sure I can do it right then I'd rather not try. Some people also refer to that as lazy. I get so in my head and so down on myself that I let any imperfection rule my life. Leading me to my first lie.
Lie #1 You Are Inadequate.
Satan is very good at his job, he loves to mix a little lie in with truth or to take truth and give it a different meaning, turning it into a lie. The latter is what happened here. I Am Inadequate. Or rather was inadequate. I am imperfect sinful and missing something that something was Jesus. Luckily over the years I have gotten to know him. He has changed my life. Given me purpose. Made me WHOLE.
So I probably wasn't the best candidate for the position at the hospital, but I was fortunate that God has built me to adapt, learn, follow, lead, take instruction, well he's given me a lot of qualities so I'll leave it at that.
So I'm in this internship working a 40hr week and coming home exhausted. I stop finding time to renew. I stop seeking relationship with the one person who can fill the holes in my life, my creator God. My spiritual grow is at a standstill, actually more of a back slide because the longer I go without meeting with him the less I have a desire for him. I stop finding my worth where I should and start finding it in what I am accomplishing.
All the while I am preparing for examinations that are coming up. Little by little I give in to my tired attitude and study far less than I should. I take the Praxis. I pass. I praise the Lord in the moment and move right along.
Next comes Comps, I definitely studied more for this than Praxis and I'm feeling pretty confident. I take the exam leave and felt like WOW that was difficult. But God has led me this far so I'm sure I passed. A couple days later I get the email, "We regret to inform you that you have not passed comprehensive exams. The university is required to give you two more attempts to show your knowledge". I wrote that from memory that's how stuck it was in my head. This leads me to the second lie
Lie #2 God's plan is not enough.
God's plan for my life is to bring him glory in all that I do. To share his love with others. To direct them to him. That is my purpose. He can use a career, or no job, or a different job to accomplish it. He does not revolve around my plans.
Broken hearted I cry over my problems as though my world has ended. I complain, worry, and get depressed. I run to others for prayer and forget to run to my Abba, my Father, the one who cares most for me.
After difficult but truthful words from some important people in my life, my sin is pointed out and I am pressed to confess to the father my idols. I start reading the word again, I start clinging to him again and I get to Jeremiah 29. You know it I'm sure. The over quoted scripture that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have heard it and been comforted by it before but what happened this time was the comfort I got from the surrounding verses. The people were in exile. For 70 years mind you. And God is speaking comfort to them. Man I would have a hard time believing it if I didn't have scripture showing me how faithful God is.
So I start to cling to truth. God spoke to my heart multiple times through the depression and justification and restoration for Israel in these scriptures.
I retook the Comprehensive exams, and I didn't do so well to rely on Christ. I was filled with fear. My idols were still in place. They still are and I have a feeling it's going to take some time to real restoration to take place. But surprisingly I am excited for it. I want the sin in my life to come to light. I want to be restored and made new. I want the lies to be defeated and my worship directed to He who deserves it not to myself, or career.
To end on a happy note, I passed my exam. I was humbled by the retake and so thankful not to have to lose this career. I am still struggling to meet with God daily. I hope rereading this on occasion will remind me that God desires to be first, and rightly so. So if you think of me Pray.
Pray that God is all I live for. Pray that when I stray it's not long before I run back into his arms. Pray that my faithfulness increases and my idols are broken. Pray that I stop giving Sin an opening in my life. Pray that how I live gives God glory, and brings people to him. Pray that I fearlessly proclaim his name and his gospel.
-Keeley
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