Oh the lies Satan whispers

So I've been mustering up the courage to write this blog for over a month now, and I'm sure I'll have to gain the courage to post this if that comes about.

So just to update you with what is left in my schooling: Finish a medical and school internship, pass Praxis, and pass Comprehensive Exams.

Having so desired to work with the cleft palate population since my junior year of undergrad I was ecstatic about getting the opportunity to work at Children's on a Cleft Palate-Craniofacial team. Little did I know how little I knew, haha. I loved my internship but it was a HUGE learning curve. I'm not one who jumps right in because well I'm a perfectionist and if I'm not sure I can do it right then I'd rather not try. Some people also refer to that as lazy. I get so in my head and so down on myself that I let any imperfection rule my life. Leading me to my first lie.

Lie #1 You Are Inadequate.

Satan is very good at his job, he loves to mix a little lie in with truth or to take truth and give it a different meaning, turning it into a lie. The latter is what happened here. I Am Inadequate. Or rather was inadequate. I am imperfect sinful and missing something that something was Jesus. Luckily over the years I have gotten to know him. He has changed my life. Given me purpose. Made me WHOLE.

So I probably wasn't the best candidate for the position at the hospital, but I was fortunate that God has built me to adapt, learn, follow, lead, take instruction, well he's given me a lot of qualities so I'll leave it at that.

So I'm in this internship working a 40hr week and coming home exhausted. I stop finding time to renew. I stop seeking relationship with the one person who can fill the holes in my life, my creator God. My spiritual grow is at a standstill, actually more of a back slide because the longer I go without meeting with him the less I have a desire for him. I stop finding my worth where I should and start finding it in what I am accomplishing.

All the while I am preparing for examinations that are coming up. Little by little I give in to my tired attitude and study far less than I should. I take the Praxis. I pass. I praise the Lord in the moment and move right along.


Next comes Comps, I definitely studied more for this than Praxis and I'm feeling pretty confident. I take the exam leave and felt like WOW that was difficult. But God has led me this far so I'm sure I passed. A couple days later I get the email, "We regret to inform you that you have not passed comprehensive exams. The university is required to give you two more attempts to show your knowledge". I wrote that from memory that's how stuck it was in my head. This leads me to the second lie

Lie #2 God's plan is not enough.

God's plan for my life is to bring him glory in all that I do. To share his love with others. To direct them to him. That is my purpose. He can use a career, or no job, or a different job to accomplish it. He does not revolve around my plans.

Broken hearted I cry over my problems as though my world has ended. I complain, worry, and get depressed. I run to others for prayer and forget to run to my Abba, my Father, the one who cares most for me.

After difficult but truthful words from some important people in my life, my sin is pointed out and I am pressed to confess to the father my idols. I start reading the word again, I start clinging to him again and I get to Jeremiah 29. You know it I'm sure. The over quoted scripture that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have heard it and been comforted by it before but what happened this time was the comfort I got from the surrounding verses. The people were in exile. For 70 years mind you. And God is speaking comfort to them. Man I would have a hard time believing it if I didn't have scripture showing me how faithful God is.

So I start to cling to truth. God spoke to my heart multiple times through the depression and justification and restoration for Israel in these scriptures.

I retook the Comprehensive exams, and I didn't do so well to rely on Christ. I was filled with fear. My idols were still in place. They still are and I have a feeling it's going to take some time to real restoration to take place. But surprisingly I am excited for it. I want the sin in my life to come to light. I want to be restored and made new. I want the lies to be defeated and my worship directed to He who deserves it not to myself, or career.

To end on a happy note, I passed my exam. I was humbled by the retake and so thankful not to have to lose this career. I am still struggling to meet with God daily. I hope rereading this on occasion will remind me that God desires to be first, and rightly so. So if you think of me Pray.

Pray that God is all I live for. Pray that when I stray it's not long before I run back into his arms. Pray that my faithfulness increases and my idols are broken. Pray that I stop giving Sin an opening in my life. Pray that how I live gives God glory, and brings people to him. Pray that I fearlessly proclaim his name and his gospel.

-Keeley

A type "A" night mare

What does that title mean? Well it means last night I had a nightmare. Not your typical, there is an axe murderer in my closet sort of nightmare, no this one was tailored to my type A personality. The more I reflect on it the more comical it gets but I really just had to share it.

It started out with me waking up late. My alarm didn't go off and I sleepily looked at my watch just to notice that it was 8:00. I get to work at 8:45 and my alarm usually goes off at 6:30. I jump up and decide that I really do need to shower before work so I'll have to be a little late but at least I won't smell. I shower. After, when I go into the kitchen I notice that the clock on my coffee maker doesn't match my watch. Then I walk into my bedroom and notice that the clock on my desk is different than both my watch and coffee pot. Then I pick up my phone and it also has a completely different time! I look at my front door and notice that I didn't lock it the night before. Someone in my building had come into my apartment in the middle of the night and changed all of the clocks. This included the watch that was on my arm as I slept. Frightening. I couldn't even tell if I was late to work now or not. Seeing as I usually wake up before my alarm on a typical day I figure I'm probably not late but I'll text my supervisor to be sure. I am late in fact but after telling her my apartment was broken into she just says to get things inorder and get to work as soon as possible. I go to dress and on the mirrors of my closet there are messages written to me. "Working out hard enough lately?" "not going to be late are you?" and other things that I obsess over that noone in my building would know about me. At this point I am freaking out as to what has gone on in my apartment that I do not know about. hurriedly I dress and start my walk to work trying to sort out how this could have come about. (side note: the brain works in funny way because as things started to not make sense it made up excuses for the wholes in my whole dream). I "remembered" that I had been at a party the night before with Daka and everyone in my building. The guys were all serving the beverages to the girls. I deduced that they had drugged us and gotten our keys from our coats that night. Oh also apparently something similar happened to every girl in my building, tailored specifically to the things that really bother us. And then I woke up.

I know it's no serial killer out to get you sort of thing but I was spooked. Hope you enjoyed my frightening dream.

An eating disorder

This is not my typical happy go lucky post. The ONLY reason I'm even writing this is because I just feel like speaking these words to anyone is too difficult. But I can write them. So I am doing just that. I believe I have an eating disorder. I can't really pin point when it started but luckily it hasn't plagued me for years. I'm not your typical person. I'm not anorexic(just look at me, very well fed) and I'm not bulimic, no I'm something else entirely. I binge. I don't just over eat at meals though sometimes that occurs.  No this bingeing happens out of the public eye, and on many many occasions. When I'm at home and I'm FULL from the days meals and I just can't stop myself from eating. Some days I don't fight this fight. Some days I am a perfectly normal 24yr old. But other days I cry because for no reason I just sit and eat. Nothing has to trigger it. I can have the best day and just eat and eat until I feel SICK. It happened a few days ago again. I had been so "healthy" all day. oatmeal for breakfast spinach salad for lunch soup for dinner. I was content. Then I decided crackers sounded good, and more sounded better, then chocolate milk, then a s'more, then pretzels, then something else I don't quite remember but I remember falling asleep crying over how miserable I felt. How ugly. How fat. How worthless. I thought things would get better being in a relationship. I thought having someone beside me affirming me would finally convince me that I was enough. That food didn't need to control me. I guess that's not how it goes. I don't really know what to do. I don't really want your advice, or your input. I don't care that you may judge me, because I do that enough myself. I remember when I first started to notice it. I remember I didn't want to eat around people. It was my first year of grad school. I had 4 roommates. I might eat dinner with them. But then when I would get a snack or binge, I hid it. I felt like they would judge then I went back to that cabinet yet again. I'm active enough to counter act the weight gain that goes along with this disorder, but not entirely. It just doesn't seem real. It seems like I'm just a girl who needs to get her act together and have some self control, but when it happens it's like you can't control anything. You just do. I can tell my self a million times over if I keep eating I will loathe myself an hour later, or I'll have to work out all day the next day, or I'll have to restrict to make up for the calories. But it doesn't matter. I just don't stop. I know that it is making food my god, my ruler, but even knowing that doesn't spur on change. Maybe I'm praying for the wrong things. Maybe asking for this to stop isn't what I need. Maybe I just need to be satisfied with me. But I can't be satisfied if this is my life. I can't cry over this, or hide this any more. I can't keep feeling ashamed that I struggle.

Adjusting to the city.

Today is 6 months spent dating Daka Wiedeman. Pretty great stuff I tell you what. I'm so lucky to have a man who is a godly leader, and really cares for me and for our future. I respect that man so much. Yesterday we got to see each other, it had been a little over two weeks. We explored the down town area together, ate lunch at pickles deli, and had dessert at the cup (an amazing cupcake place). Then we just caught up on lost time, acted like our silly selves and made dinner together. It was lovely. Today I walked to Children's hospital to meet with my supervisor. I have a feeling I am really going to love working there. It was such a relief to know what her expectations of me were and just how many different experiences I would be getting. I can even pick and choose what types of therapies I want to be involved in when she doesn't have clients! I admit my stomach was in knots as I walked there feeling inadequate and unprepared but I am just overjoyed just to learn from her. Well I'd better get out of this place for now and get some housework and errands done. Peace out girl scouts. :)

A new year, a new home, and some resolution thrown in.

Okay I promised a blog once I had internet, but I'm still working out the kinks of getting it set up in my apartment. So here I am at the Coffee Cartel (a 24/7 shop in st louis) drinking a yummy chai latte and I'm ready to let you in on the recent events in my life. Since I moved away from home in 2009 this will be my 8th move, crazy! I was excited to really feel as though I was on my own making my way in the world with this move. But as soon as I got here I missed my old life, my friends, family, and especially church fam. The first night I had to sleep on the floor in an unpacked apartment with no furniture. Moving boxes and other things up 3 flights of stairs as 2-5 old men looked on was not the best first experience. But once my parents came the next day bringing the rest of my things with them and I set up my place it felt a lot more like home.  So here are some pics:

Living room &

It duels as my bedroom

My creepy bathroom 

view from the dining room

Dining area right off the living area

Kitchen. Tiny but has a big pantry

Serious family

Happy family

So there is my place. Now on to the best stuff. Though I have been here a very short while, it has giving me so much time to think. This is how God has been speaking to me as of late through Ezekiel mostly. In my quiet time on Saturday I read Ezk. 45:1-10. In this passage God is telling Ezekiel not to give a portion of the land to the levitical priests because he is their inheritance. It really struck me that all I need in this life is Christ. Why am I alive? To live a life that gives him glory. Over break I definitely had a rough time living in a way that pleased the Lord. One night on the phone with Daka, he pointed out how sinful and judgmental I had been of my family that week. (I'm so luck to have a boyfriend willing to tell me difficult things).  I take the love of my family for granted a lot. I rarely accept their quirks, especially when I find it embarrassing, yet I expect complete acceptance from them. While I am in general judgmental (can't believe I'm admitting that!) I'm much more harsh with my family. I allow myself to sin against them and then blame them for my sin. This is not recognizing my need for cleansing from a savior. So as this year is just beginning these thoughts have given me the desire to make a new years resolution. I haven't done one of these since I was 12 and decided to give up sugar and caved a week in. But this year my goal is to ask the Lord to change my heart. I can't grow closer to him if I'm not willing to see myself as sinful, broken, and in desperate need of a savior. The only way I can love my family and other better is if I become more like Christ. Will power and resolution that I will be more kind just won't cut it. So if you think of me, pray that God continues to reveal my sin to me and help me to grow away from it. I've grown a lot since Senior year of my undergrad but I started to get to this point where I was satisfied as to how far I've come. I want to be dissatisfied with self and wholly satisfied with Christ. He is my inheritance.

Life, love, and everything in between.

Life-Graduate school is nothing short of crazy. Whether it's the requirements put on you by professors, supervisors, or my own type A personality, it seems as though feeling stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, and all the other verbs that fit into that category are a daily occurrence. Juggling classes, working to pay rent and buy food, clients multiple times weekly, discipleship, small group, and the other commitments I made was certainly exhausting. Through all the tears, mostly brought on by exhaustion, I have come to the end of Graduate school classes and am now about to embark on the  journey of internships. I look forward to this part of my life, and trust that the Lord will guide me through it all. I am making a move to Saint Louis on January 4th and for the first time I will being a life in a place where everyone is a stranger

Love- My relationship with the Lord is always surprising me.The infinite ways the He shows his love to me was my only relief to stress. Through kind actions of sweet sweet families, hands on prayer by people who truly love the Lord, friends picking up my slack when I'm crabby or feeling unwell, or just simply by showing me his love through the word and the gospel that he died for me, I am constantly reminded of his love. I am quick to forget that I am cared for but I see his plan in the little things. It is crazy to know that the God of the universe cares for even a wretch like me. Through my time of singleness I received a real understanding of what a relationship with my Savior should look like. Though there are difficult times no doubt, I have put my heart in his hands first because he first loved me. I didn't really know what relationship should look like until I fell in love with Jesus. I never pursued him until college. I would undoubtedly say that I was saved at an early age, but giving up myself to God is a process and I am learning that I must submit daily.

The in between-  Well really there is so much that had gone on in my life these past few years. I'm gained so many friendships while attending ISU. As children we can hardly wait to get to adulthood but once we are there we realize how comfortable childhood was. I turned 24 this year, and I have to admit that reaching this age was difficult for me. I had so many plans for my life growing up and I can't really say that things went according to plan. Jeremiah 29:11 is my constant reminder that God is in control. While I don't always trust that his plans are best, I know it to be true. As I prepare to move I am really missing my life in Bloomington. I leave friends, coworkers, a boyfriend, and a church family behind. Looking ahead I place my hope in my savior about my future. I'm so thankful that for today I can say I trust in Him to care for me.

Cry out to the One who Saves

Father,
I need you desperately. More than I can even fathom, I am in need of you.
My sin drowns me. With stones I bound to my feet I can not come up for air.
Confusion clouds my mind, covers my eyes in mist.
I cry to you and you hear my voice yet run not to my aid.
For years my torment sprouts like weeds. Small and unnoticed till they choke the life from my throat.
You are the giver of life, the possessor of my purpose. Pour out on me.
Give the weeds no ground to cling to and Satan no place to build a house.
Rip the bandages I use to mend, give me flesh a new.
Oh my God lead me into the battle victoriously.
For you claim all victory, glory, and honor over your creation and created.

You are my comfort and my strength.