Life, love, and everything in between.

Life-Graduate school is nothing short of crazy. Whether it's the requirements put on you by professors, supervisors, or my own type A personality, it seems as though feeling stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, and all the other verbs that fit into that category are a daily occurrence. Juggling classes, working to pay rent and buy food, clients multiple times weekly, discipleship, small group, and the other commitments I made was certainly exhausting. Through all the tears, mostly brought on by exhaustion, I have come to the end of Graduate school classes and am now about to embark on the  journey of internships. I look forward to this part of my life, and trust that the Lord will guide me through it all. I am making a move to Saint Louis on January 4th and for the first time I will being a life in a place where everyone is a stranger

Love- My relationship with the Lord is always surprising me.The infinite ways the He shows his love to me was my only relief to stress. Through kind actions of sweet sweet families, hands on prayer by people who truly love the Lord, friends picking up my slack when I'm crabby or feeling unwell, or just simply by showing me his love through the word and the gospel that he died for me, I am constantly reminded of his love. I am quick to forget that I am cared for but I see his plan in the little things. It is crazy to know that the God of the universe cares for even a wretch like me. Through my time of singleness I received a real understanding of what a relationship with my Savior should look like. Though there are difficult times no doubt, I have put my heart in his hands first because he first loved me. I didn't really know what relationship should look like until I fell in love with Jesus. I never pursued him until college. I would undoubtedly say that I was saved at an early age, but giving up myself to God is a process and I am learning that I must submit daily.

The in between-  Well really there is so much that had gone on in my life these past few years. I'm gained so many friendships while attending ISU. As children we can hardly wait to get to adulthood but once we are there we realize how comfortable childhood was. I turned 24 this year, and I have to admit that reaching this age was difficult for me. I had so many plans for my life growing up and I can't really say that things went according to plan. Jeremiah 29:11 is my constant reminder that God is in control. While I don't always trust that his plans are best, I know it to be true. As I prepare to move I am really missing my life in Bloomington. I leave friends, coworkers, a boyfriend, and a church family behind. Looking ahead I place my hope in my savior about my future. I'm so thankful that for today I can say I trust in Him to care for me.

Cry out to the One who Saves

Father,
I need you desperately. More than I can even fathom, I am in need of you.
My sin drowns me. With stones I bound to my feet I can not come up for air.
Confusion clouds my mind, covers my eyes in mist.
I cry to you and you hear my voice yet run not to my aid.
For years my torment sprouts like weeds. Small and unnoticed till they choke the life from my throat.
You are the giver of life, the possessor of my purpose. Pour out on me.
Give the weeds no ground to cling to and Satan no place to build a house.
Rip the bandages I use to mend, give me flesh a new.
Oh my God lead me into the battle victoriously.
For you claim all victory, glory, and honor over your creation and created.

You are my comfort and my strength.

A speech pathology graduate student's love hate relationship with her career

I love when people ask me what I'm studying and they look at me with confused faces. Because then I get to explain the tiny details that will make my job so great.
I love that I get to learn about the intricate workings of the human body and see how amazing God is to make it all.
I love seeing language develop, change, and grow kids into more articulate and successful students.
I hate seeing children act out and knowing it is not within my power to discipline them because they are not my own.
I love that my field and scope of practice are so broad. I learn about things from craniofacial anomalies and cranial nerves to how reading aids in language learning and use.
I hate that because the field is so broad you can never be an expert in all areas.
I love that I am being adequately prepared for my job with hands on experience.
I hate that it feels like my life has yet to begin, like all of my other peers.
I love that my definition of success is moving from perfection to effort.
I hate that I still want to be perfect.
I love being kept on my toes.
I hate feeling like no matter how much I do in a day I will wake up in a panic over 20 forgotten things.
I love being able to encourage and prod people on to progress.
I hate having to relearn everything every day for each client, but
I love that it reminds me that clients are people, individual, made by God with specialized personalities.



There's a lot more but now I have to get back to the busy life.

A boring night turned Russian

In case you were unaware, I am a server at a restaurant, I am a graduate student and therefore on the brink of insanity, and I'm also very proficient in Russian accents. Well today I decided to throw all those things into one big ball of fun.
Monday's are usually pretty slow as a server and we have week day 7.99 deals so I rarely ever walk away with much money. Perfect day to get a little crazy, right? Almost everyone at the restaurant knows I have this accent and so I decided to tell them I was going to talk wiith ze russin eksent for hole nite. 5 tables later and a bunch of laughs and my night ends. Out of the 5 only 1 table asked me where I was from, and refusing to lie I told them. I had to fess up to my english background. They thought I was strange(go figure) and were my worst tip coming out at about 10%, I can only assume it was because they knew of the facade. The other tables were more generous with tips ranging from 15%-25% or slightly higher  and I imagine they tipped so well because they stared at me the whole time. Bet they'd feel silly knowing I have no accent. All in all it made what could have been just another boring day a far more interesting one. I got to be my crazy goofy self, put smiles on the faces of my coworkers, and just live a little more care free. I hope this puts a little smile on your face.

Constant reminders

Today I'm grateful for the constant reminders of my imperfections. Although I am really not too fond of them when they come they teach me so much. It's been a real struggle lately to truly follow the Lord. With this inner desire to fit in with the girls at school, my coworkers and every crowd I associate with in someway I feel  torn to be anything other than Christ like. While I do believe I truly desire that, I fail at it every single day. Grace is amazing and God's love is abounding so I am very lucky for that. But today I had to check my hearts intentions. I keep reminding myself that to Fear God is to care about his opinions above that of man's. Why do I care so much about my "image"? It gets lonely in graduate school. I have little time for anyone and when I do have time I'd personally rather sleep out of the sheer mental and emotional exhaustion. But God is a giver of rest and luckily this is only a season in life that I must go through. I am rambling. Back to the point. God is good! Really and truly he is the best giver of gifts ever! I am so surprised by his blessings daily and wonder what did I do to deserve it. The truth is I did nothing. I can't do anything to earn his love. That makes it all the better because he loves me for no reason at all except that he created me for his own glory.

I read this recently and you'll probably laugh because it came from pinterest, but it is SO TRUE! "When I say I am a Christian, I am not shouting I'm clean living. I'm whispering, I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven. When I say I am a Christian, I don't speak of this with pride.I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide. When I say I am a Christian, I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on. When I say I am a Christian, I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting that I've failed and need God to clean my mess. When I say I am a Christian, I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, But God believes I am worth it. When I say I am a Christian, I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon his name. When I say I am a Christian, I'm NOT holier than thou. I'm just a simple sinner, who received God's grace, somehow!"

Sometime I admit I don't view it this way. I see myself as better. But the fact is we were all dead in our trespasses. It is by God through his son Jesus's death on the cross that I am made new and alive. Dead to sin and I am FREE!

wholly dependent

As I am nearing midterms and stressing about my life (as is the case with most graduate students) I have been continually reminded that God is in control. As much as I like to plan and know my future, it is, in large part, out of my hands. God has a written will for our lives things that he specifically says "This is the will of God for you" (eg.1Thessalonians 4:3 check it out) but I also believe that he allows us to make decisions and mistakes on our own. He uses them to grow us as well as show us that He is still sovereign over all.

 As I was studying 2nd Samuel with my discipler a few weeks back we began discussing David's attitude toward God. David loved the Lord no doubt about it, and God was pretty fond of him too. However, there are instances in which David completely idolized himself (in a seemingly selfless way). How so you may ask? 2Sam 7 is a good example. David is contemplating building a house for the ark of God not a bad thing to do (in theory). He even seeks out counsel about this decision. God rather bluntly puts him in his place by telling David...I'm putting this in the words of my discipler here "I am God, you are David". Vs. 4-11 is his response. Plainly God doesn't need David to do anything for him because he has it covered. If he needed a house it would have been built. In fact he reminds David that he was the one who built his house!

Today as I read Psalm 127 I was again reminded of this. vs. 1&2 says "Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."
This semester I have lost a lot of sleep and given in to worries more times that I can count. I don't rest on his promises as I should. Psalm 121:3b-8 also reminds me that I am so cared for. It says that the one who keeps me will not slumber. I am in his hands.

Graduation will be here sooner that I know it, and my move to St. Louis for internships will come even more quickly. I am fully in the Lords hands. It's when I take things on myself that I fail. I wish I could say that I fully understand this lesson but I have a feeling I will continue to be taught it, among other things. But just knowing that the Creator of Heaven and Earth cares for me so, is the strength I need. I am wholly dependent on him.