Chronicles of a potty training mama: The Plan

When your 18 month old starts coming to you and telling you "poop" whenever he has a dirty diaper, or saying "pee" with a questioning tone outside the bathroom door, you think to yourself 'well maybe it's that time'. I never thought we would start this part of parenthood early. But the little man has hit quite a few milestones early so why not toilet training? I'll be keeping this diary as a satirical memoir of what is sure to be a journey of tears and laughter. So you know if you don't mind some good ole toilet humor join me on the path to the potty.

The plan:

I'm sure there are many ways of approaching the whole potty thing, but here is the plan. Subject to change, as I tend to give up easily. Today we started with purchasing the necessary items.
1) potty seat, the kind that fits in a regular toilet. No chair for me, because well I'm lazy and don't want to clean M's poo from more surfaces than absolutely necessary.
2) a step stool, because yeah he can climb well, but better make things as easy as possible.
3) underwear. I'm skipping pull ups and training pants because I'm overly confident or insane, maybe both.

As we wait for these items to arrive i plan to take this week slow. He is becoming aware of all things toilet but he's no expert. Mostly I'll just attempt to call his attention to when he sneaks away to the corner to squat and let him know where that junk really belongs by dumping out diapers in the toilet. Perhaps he'll receive an introduction to pantslessness, because he hates diaper changes because he gets cold. He'll soon find out that there is certainly no seat warmer on the john, and that going requires leaving pants behind. Ill let you all know how things go. Next week is sure to be filled with more "excitement".

Note: If you are reading this blog for potty training tips, stop. I have no idea what im doing.

Note 2: I may at some point I give up and wait until he's older.

Becoming Mommy

Hey bug,

It has been a little over a year now that we've been on this mother son journey and I'm willing to admit I'm mostly in over my head when it comes to you. It's a hard journey learning to care for someone so deeply and love so unconditionally.  Today I had to continually fight the urge to make you into the boy I wanted, rather than let you discover who you are. As you popped yet another fist full of dirt in your mouth, I thought of the inconvenience it would be to clean you up, I realized I was trying to change you. I'm told to train you in the way you should go, but that doesn't mean not allowing you to be a rambunctious, inquisitive, independent boy. When you throw tantrums and I lose my patience with you, know that I'm still learning too. Papa and I have a lot to learn. Know that our boundaries, while they may be flawed at times, are set out of love and desire for your good. Know that we want to help you figure out this world, just as much as you desire to understand it. Becoming your mommy is a lifetime process, and I'll always be on the learning curve. Thanks for the moments after the time outs, when you give me cuddles and kisses. Thanks for the laughter you give me when we play at the park. Thank you for teaching me that life can be dirty, and difficult, but still be good. Thanks for reminding me of grace in your own little way. I promise to try to do the same. Thanks most of all, for helping become mommy.

I hate debates, but this shouldn't be one

Debating an issue rarely accomplishes anything.

Both sides usually only cling to their beliefs even more strongly after.

But life shouldn't be a debate.

I've been avoiding talking about my pro life stance

because people are just plain mean sometimes...

but today as I watched yet another PP video where women laughed

at the thought of someone being squeamish at the sight of an intact fetal head

my heart broke. 

I can't say I've felt the same as women who've had abortions

But I have felt fear with pregnancy.

Micaiah was by no means planned

We had no jobs

no health insurance

and I was so scared

But from the very moment I read the test that said I was pregnant

I called him my baby.

He wasn't just tissue

He was a baby

I haven't told many people this

But when we first found out

I cried.

Not tears of joy.

I cried because I couldn't handle the responsibility.

We were just married

How could we possibly care for a baby

We could barely care for ourselves

But I never thought of him as anything other than a child.

And as weeks passed 

I feared that my body might reject him
eventually that fear lessened.

I felt nothing but desire for his life

We didn't deal with many of the difficulties others have

He was healthy(relatively)

I was healthy

I had support

But even if I didn't have all that, he deserved a life.

It's a beautiful one.

I sometimes sit in awe of the brave women who parent alone

Who take on post partum depression

Medical issues

financial responsibility

child rearing

all alone

They are so strong.

I am just lucky.

My heart hurts for the babies who weren't loved.

Who were thrown away because someone thought they didn't deserve a life

I know, at times women did this because they thought it was better

better for a child to die than live in poverty

better for a child to die than live in pain

But why?

Why?

Who are we to play God?

It makes me want to take all the babies home.

I've always wanted to adopt.

My heart for adoption has been to take in a child in the states

and it's growing. 

And it's scary...because I'm selfish

I care about my comfort more than a child's much of the time

I say...we can't support another financially

and I make excuses

I hope that someday we do adopt. 

But Lord help the world if we continue to view life as a choice

instead of a gift.

motherhood: the post partum

Micaiah James is going on two months now.

Our journey together has been so short but so filled with things I never expected.

I feel so blessed but I am also facing a reality I never could have imagined. 

People tell you motherhood is difficult.

They say the sleep deprivation is hard.

But you go into it thinking you know better. 

Unbelieving that something so sweet can also come with a dark cloud around it.

After M's birth my whole world changed. 

I was faced with baby blues that turned into a depression that I'm still battling with.

There were moments in that first month of his life

where I felt I couldn't live up to being his mum.

When nursing was such a struggle because of his ties, I felt inadequate to provide for the needs of my baby.

When I was so deprived of sleep that I had feelings of animosity towards him for his constant need of me.

When I would hand him to Daka at the end of the day so I could leave the room and cry.

My whole definition of who I am as a person, now solely defined as mother.

At least that is how I felt.

And still feel in many moments 

There is guilt in not being happy in every moment with your new child.
And there is a feeling, that if you are honest about those emotions you will be seen as unloving, and undeserving of the title of mom. 

It's as if you no longer have the right to struggle.
You can only ever have a happy face because this child must at every moment make you feel joy.
But that's not true.
I feel like I am in a constant struggle to figure out who I am again.
My body is different.
My role is different.
My emotions are raging.

Until I had a baby, I thought postpartum depression meant having thoughts of harming your baby.
While sometimes that is a part of it for some, it has a wide spectrum of feelings.
For me it was almost a lack of feeling.
My thoughts went something like this:
(I know I must feed and hold this child and care for and about him, but right now I am still healing and hurting and wondering why, why did we get pregnant so quickly)

But honesty with God has brought a lot of healing.

When I started to say in my prayers  how alone I felt

When I started to say to Jesus and to others that I was depressed 

That's when the Lord was able to show me the blessings.

I couldn't see past the dark feelings until I acknowledged them.

Now I see this crabby, crying, full of life baby who constantly needs his mum as a blessing. 

I see more purpose in my new role as mother. 

I see opportunity to stand along side other mommies and support them.
I see these things, in moments.
I see them when I'm honest about my feelings.
When I'm not I get so caught up in fighting the guilt.
Caught up in telling myself I'm a horrible mother.
But when I vocalize it I get feed back that tells me otherwise.

Women are so difficult. 

Women are so judgemental. 

Women are not as honest as they appear.

But they are strong.

It's so easy to have an opinion about another mother's choice for her child. 

Or an opinion about her struggles. 

It is difficult to just listen. 

I am so blessed to have been given a friend in this season who listens and supports even though our mothering looks very different. 

It has taught me how to listen and throw judgement and opinions out the window and just care for another woman's struggles.

Post partum had been taxing.

Micaiah has been difficult, and wonderful all in the same moment sometimes. 

Life has changed.

God has not.

Little...The next few days

So you arrived 2 weeks after your initial due date

And well I have to admit you were funny looking at first.

Getting stuck in my pelvic bones made your head so misshapen.

Fortunately, that has resolved really quickly.

Recovering from labor has been interesting for mom.

The nurses kept commenting on how big of a boy you were

for your "little momma"

And well that lead to multiple tears second and third degree.

So sometimes mommy is crabby because she is in pain.

And tired.

So Tired.

But you are worth it. 

The nurses told us in the hospital that they were hearing a "clunk"

in your right hip. 

So when we left the hospital we had to make an appointment

with our pediatrician for the next day.

he confirmed the "clunk" as hip dysplasia

and referred us to a specialist.

So on your third day on the outside

we had you fitted for your brace.

You'll be in it for a minimum of 10 weeks.

It holds your hips in the sockets to help them form.

Because you have shallow sockets, your hips can pop out of place.

Fortunately momma knows other mommies of kids with dysplasia.

Which is such a blessing.

Because I have support and I didn't have to be afraid for you.

So this is our life.

You and I and Papa.

You just eat, sleep, wet/poo, eat some more....and some more.

And papa and I just look at you in amazement.

You're a wonderful blessing.

Whenever I feel like I have the grounds to complain about life

I just remind myself that I am lucky to be blessed with you.

To Micaiah James,

With Love,

Mom

Little...the Labor

So we finally started active labor on Sep. 22 around 2pm.

I hit transition and began to push shortly after papa arrived.

But things weren't progressing.

So they broke my waters.

Twice!

Yes they had to break two water bags!

Then my waters broke again.
They think i had 3 water bags.

Apparently I am an anomaly.

No wonder you weren't doing much on your own.

And they checked me but I still wasn't completely dialated.

But my body wanted to push so I had to fight against that

To let the contractions do their work. 

And then you started to crown, and I was told I needed a few more big pushes

But you didn't come.

I pushed for 9 hours

And you weren't coming.

And I was getting dehydrated...
I had an IV put in.

And the pain was becoming  too much.

I stopped comprehending what people were saying.

I was giving up.

I wanted to sleep.

I wanted you to be here. 

I was so frustrated.

so we left around 11:30 for the hospital.

I couldn't get you out, and the pain was too much.

When I was checked at the hospital you were still a plus2

Why weren't you coming?

I got an epidural and slept for an hour.

Then they checked again and you were at a minus 1

We began to push again.

for about another hour... still nothing.

Doctor and Midwife checked again. 

Your head was stuck in my pelvis.

I had room for a vaginal delivery,

But you couldn't seem to get unstuck.

Then came the ultimatums.

We could look at using a suction to help assist,

Or we go to cesarean.

I asked about risks and the Doctor didn't think suction would

work anyways. 

He felt it was more likely to injure you.

So I began to give in to the idea that we may

have to do a cesarean.

Then I got one last option.

My contractions were no longer coming at regular intervals...

So I was going to need help to keep pushing.

The doctor suggested Pitocin to keep them coming

and make them stronger.

Then we would keep pushing and positioning

and pray that you moved enough to come out.
So that's what we did.
And Finally after additional hours of pushing you were here.
It was 28 hours since my contractions became regular
And 13 hours of pushing, but you made it!
You were laid on my chest and I was in love.
I may have been disappointed by the fact
that the labor wasn't exactly what I planned.
But you are here and it was ALL worth it.

Little...The intro

Hey there Micaiah,

Today is day 4 of life for you.

Wow it's crazy how in love papa and I are.

We have been through a lot as a family so far.

I thought I'd write about it so I can look back

and remember how blessed we are to have you.

So I'll start back a few days, 8 days actually.

On Friday the 19th, I was still concerned

Concerned I would never start my labor.

We passed all of your dues dates and were getting closer to having to be induced. 

So we had a Foley Bulb procedure done.

I was dilated at a 2 at this point .

A foley catheter was placed in my cervix,

And the balloon on the end was filled with saline

to help dilate me.

I can home and contractions started!

And they got pretty painful.

And I could time them.

And the pain was a little scary since I was alone.

So papa came home.
And we waited. And called the Midwives.
They told us to stay home at least until the foley came out.
Because then we would know I was dilated to 4 or more.
So I went to bed. And everything stopped.
On Saturday the 20th, I went to have the foley removed.
I was so discouraged.
But even though it hadn't come out on its own it in fact had worked!
Your giant head just kept it from falling out.
So we were a little closer to meeting you.
Sunday came and went.
We skipped church because the exhaustion of being up the last two days
when we thought you were coming
wore us out.
And mom couldn't deal with another week of
"you are still pregnant?"
That night I started to have contractions.
And I figured it was another fluke.
So I went to bed.
5am on Monday the 22nd I awoke to my contractions.
This was it. It had to be it.
But I sent papa to work anyway. They had to keep coming
and get closer and stronger.
So I stayed the morning with Aunt Chayil.
And the contractions spread back out.
Maybe this wasnt it.
but they didn't disappear.
FINALLY around 1pm they were coming 4,5, and 6
mins apart.
We called the midwives again.
Dropped off your cousin at a friends and headed to the center.
Today would be your birthday! Or so we thought....