Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Wedding planning is stressful and expensive and EXCITING!
No one told me wedding planning could be so stressful or that budgeting would feel impossible. But I have learned through this process just how blessed I am to have Daka in my life. I'm such a type A personality and everything stresses me out. Even when things are going well I have this unmerited fear that things will not go my way. Fortunately things rarely go my way and God humbles me. I don't always thank him in those moments but I am thankful for them. Today is a day where the stress is gone and I'm just enjoying it all. Due to the limited budget I am making a LOT of stuff myself. And while that may sound like a chore to some, I absolutely love it. I love knowing how much time and effort I put into the details. I am especially fond of the sweet ideas Daka has for the wedding. He is also so supportive when I feel the weight of the financial expense. Honestly I'm super excited to have a special day to look back on and remember through our years together, but kinda wish I could skip the whole planning thing. Things are not really going my way as far as budgeting. I feel as though I'm cutting so many corners and then another expense crops up to deplete the funds I thought I was saving. Food is the huge issue right now. I have no idea how we will feed our guests. It's no small feat to get a caterer willing to work with the budget I set apart for that. I'd love to put some of my love into cooking a meal but that is definitely impossible because well I'll be a little busy. Oh well. I feel so blessed. All I know about this process is that it has given me a greater love for the man that will soon be my husband. I can not imagine a life without him by my side. Hurry up December because I'm ready for the I do's already!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
We FINALLY set a date
Daka and I finally set a date for our wedding! God has blessed me with a job and that means we get to move forward in our wedding plans. There is so much excitement and yet definitely some stress. It's not as though I've planned a wedding before, or ever will again and my budget can fit into my pocket so it's going to be challenging. Along those lines there is the even smaller honeymoon budget and the BIG dream of going to Italy ever since I can remember. I even started saving for my honeymoon when I got my first job at 18. Unfortunately those funds have already been spent on the wedding. In addition to the financial situation I am looking to set up our future home and begin working. These are intimidating times but I also can't feel more blessed. I will soon be able to marry my best friend and we will start our lives together as a unit. I can not wait! We plan to marry THIS December, which means I had better get my tush to working to pull it all together. I start the new job August 7th so I have a little bit of time for planning until I begin. I think the Lord is using this packed time to make me into a more organized person. Here is to 164 days till the wedding! If the Lord allows Daka to student teach in Hoopeston then that's all the longer we will have to wait. If not, then we will unfortunately have to move the date back to May. Here's hoping for a short engagement!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
God is ALWAYS good
I have to keep reminding myself of that. God is ALWAYS good. My life is a bundle of loose ends right now. The future is bright but completely unknown at the moment. Everything is hinged upon my finding a job. That determines that date for the wedding, where I will be living, and where my ministry will be. The job I want isn't available until October, and I'm honestly not sure that I can wait for that(also it hasn't been offered to me haha). Loans will come a calling soon. There is so much stress when it comes to finances in my life. God has never let me down, yet in the circumstances I find myself doubting his goodness. I was reminded of the verse from Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
The passage ends by the encouragement of the joy that we can have when in Christ. No matter the circumstance, He is good and I will have joy.
The passage ends by the encouragement of the joy that we can have when in Christ. No matter the circumstance, He is good and I will have joy.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Future Mrs. Wiedeman
It's happening. I'm going to be THAT girl who posts about her engagement. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear the details, but then again if you didn't you wouldn't be here anyway. I'll keep this as short as possible.
Who is he? Daka Wiedeman is an amazing man who loves the Lord. He's from a family of 9 (5 sisters 1 brother). He's a student who has persevered through a lot to get to where he is today. He is incredibly respectful of me and has, from the very beginning, proven he can be a leader.
How did we meet? Well it was almost three years ago(Sep. 2010). He came to the apartment Alyssa and I shared for a get to know everyone in CRU hangout. We met and talked briefly and I thought nothing of it because I was not a single woman then.
The Interim between being friends and dating: We became friends. I became single, and he became interested. Our friendship grew through chatting and hanging out. Surprisingly I always felt comfortable sharing deep things with him (though looking back on it I should have protected our hearts better than I did.) Daka made his feelings known (I believe around Feb 2011). At the time I only saw him as a friend and turned down his offer to take me on a date. We tried the friends thing despite his feelings for me and it didn't really work. Eventually his unreciprocated feelings caused him to step back from our friendship. We still interacted but barely. Early in 2012 we started to get to a point where we could be around each other more often. Then in Early May (still 2012) some friends and I had a brilliant idea to celebrate the end of school by watching all the movies Tom Hanks had ever had a decent role in. Oh Summer. One of the friends who co-created the TomHanks-a-thon was Daka's roommate. All of the movie watching ended up commencing at Daka's apartment. And we started to rebuild a friendship. Daka and I ended up being the ones to really keep the movie watching going ( I didn't know it then but mostly because he wanted an excuse to hang out with me). I began to become interested in him in a way I hadn't been before. I saw potential for something more than just a friendship. BUT I figured I needed to stifle these feelings because a guy who has asked you on a date once and was rejected wouldn't ask again right? I wanted him to be the one to initiate but I figured he wouldn't, I doubted he felt the same way. It started to get to the point that my desire to know him outside of the context of friendship was too distracting for me to have real friendship. I talked it over with a close friend and decided I needed to tell Daka that I was interested in him as more than a friend and because of that needed to set boundaries to keep my heart guarded since he didn't return the feelings(so I thought). A few nights before I was going to tell him, he kept me back as our friends left another showing of Tom Hanks' masterpieces. He asked if I would go on a date with him and I accepted this time.
Fast forward to the proposal already!
We dated near each other and far from each other (Though not as far as many). I grew to respect and love him. He just cared for me so well! I knew I wanted to say I love you to him around month 8 of dating, but the verbal commitment needed to come with more. We decided as soon as we started dating to wait to say those words until there was a bigger commitment of marriage. 3 months of waiting to speak that to him with the expectation of waiting much much longer came and went by. On June 10th after 11 months of dating he asked.
How did he ask?
Once while we were dating I took Daka to one of my favorite places, the train trestles in kickapoo state park. He loved it and I loved sharing that secret place with him(as well as friends). My friend Leah and I had been wanting to go there this summer and Daka also brought it up. So I decided to get some friends together to make it a day. My brother, Daka, my friend Leah, Daka's sisters Adriel and Sabriah, as well as Sabriah's fiance Eric all decided to go. I had frequently in the past few months hoped that he would propose but had to continually fight to enjoy my time with him and not have expectations. When you go hiking you don't put on make up, you don't try to look cute. I had a brief moment as I had many times in the recent past where I thought....what if he proposes and you look like this, but I put it away. I wasn't going to have any unrealistic expectations. So sweaty from cleaning, ponytailed and makeup less and I was off.
Besides Daka is so sentimental he'd NEVER ask in front of anyone. Josh and I drove out to the little nugget to meet the rest of the party coming into town from Blo/No. They followed us into the spot where we could park our cars and start the hike.
Side note:Eric Floberg is an amazingly talented photographer, I guess it should have tipped me off but I really expected him to bring his camera, I mean this spot is amazing of course he'd want to capture some photographs.
Once we hiked up and through the over grown path we made it to the Trestles(train tracks suspended 80ft over a small river). Eric is not a fan of heights, and there is nothing to keep you from falling off the edge. We started to walk across, Daka in the lead the Eric Sabriah and I following close, with Leah, Adriel, and Josh following a ways behind. I figured the slow pokers were just having more trouble with the heights. Daka sat down and asked me to sit beside him Sabriah and Eric continued ahead where they sat and took pictures.
There were NO signs anything would happen. Daka opened his backpack and......grabbed a bottle of water. He started to drink and we chatted a little bit. Then he put it away and pulled out a plastic bag, handed it to me telling me it was a gift.
Was he being sweet since it had been 11 months? Why was he doing this in front of people? Looking through the bag I saw something red and square like a large box. My thoughts went to engagement, but as I opened the bag to see a journal I put those thoughts away once again. Then he told me he wrote something to me in the journal and that I needed to read it. 1pg in to the 5 front and back pages and I knew. I started to cry. Oh how he showed me his love for me as he commended my character, and told me why he cared for me. The last few lines said..."I guess what I am trying to say is..." then an arrow on the other page. I thought the arrow was pointing to him leading him to pop the question. He just sat there and smiled, so I turned another page...and another...and then I skipped a BUNCH(31 to be exact) to see a cut out box through the pages where a picture of my ring lay and the words Will you Marry Me? were written. I asked if he was serious....silly question I know. He said he was and I said yes!
Daka handed me a pen to write in my answer and then for the first time told me those sweet words. "I love you." Gosh Daka I love you so much. I am excited for the time ahead. I know that because we are sinners there will be trials, but I'm so glad to work together through life with him.
My ring is on it's way. It's just a symbol so I'm not too concerned about it. It's being handmade and though it was ordered 5 weeks before he proposed I may not get it until August(at the latest). I'm just so grateful that this man can deal with my insanity.
Daka Wiedeman, I love you.
Who is he? Daka Wiedeman is an amazing man who loves the Lord. He's from a family of 9 (5 sisters 1 brother). He's a student who has persevered through a lot to get to where he is today. He is incredibly respectful of me and has, from the very beginning, proven he can be a leader.
How did we meet? Well it was almost three years ago(Sep. 2010). He came to the apartment Alyssa and I shared for a get to know everyone in CRU hangout. We met and talked briefly and I thought nothing of it because I was not a single woman then.
The Interim between being friends and dating: We became friends. I became single, and he became interested. Our friendship grew through chatting and hanging out. Surprisingly I always felt comfortable sharing deep things with him (though looking back on it I should have protected our hearts better than I did.) Daka made his feelings known (I believe around Feb 2011). At the time I only saw him as a friend and turned down his offer to take me on a date. We tried the friends thing despite his feelings for me and it didn't really work. Eventually his unreciprocated feelings caused him to step back from our friendship. We still interacted but barely. Early in 2012 we started to get to a point where we could be around each other more often. Then in Early May (still 2012) some friends and I had a brilliant idea to celebrate the end of school by watching all the movies Tom Hanks had ever had a decent role in. Oh Summer. One of the friends who co-created the TomHanks-a-thon was Daka's roommate. All of the movie watching ended up commencing at Daka's apartment. And we started to rebuild a friendship. Daka and I ended up being the ones to really keep the movie watching going ( I didn't know it then but mostly because he wanted an excuse to hang out with me). I began to become interested in him in a way I hadn't been before. I saw potential for something more than just a friendship. BUT I figured I needed to stifle these feelings because a guy who has asked you on a date once and was rejected wouldn't ask again right? I wanted him to be the one to initiate but I figured he wouldn't, I doubted he felt the same way. It started to get to the point that my desire to know him outside of the context of friendship was too distracting for me to have real friendship. I talked it over with a close friend and decided I needed to tell Daka that I was interested in him as more than a friend and because of that needed to set boundaries to keep my heart guarded since he didn't return the feelings(so I thought). A few nights before I was going to tell him, he kept me back as our friends left another showing of Tom Hanks' masterpieces. He asked if I would go on a date with him and I accepted this time.
 |
| Our First Picture as a couple....and well ever. |
Fast forward to the proposal already!
We dated near each other and far from each other (Though not as far as many). I grew to respect and love him. He just cared for me so well! I knew I wanted to say I love you to him around month 8 of dating, but the verbal commitment needed to come with more. We decided as soon as we started dating to wait to say those words until there was a bigger commitment of marriage. 3 months of waiting to speak that to him with the expectation of waiting much much longer came and went by. On June 10th after 11 months of dating he asked.
How did he ask?
Once while we were dating I took Daka to one of my favorite places, the train trestles in kickapoo state park. He loved it and I loved sharing that secret place with him(as well as friends). My friend Leah and I had been wanting to go there this summer and Daka also brought it up. So I decided to get some friends together to make it a day. My brother, Daka, my friend Leah, Daka's sisters Adriel and Sabriah, as well as Sabriah's fiance Eric all decided to go. I had frequently in the past few months hoped that he would propose but had to continually fight to enjoy my time with him and not have expectations. When you go hiking you don't put on make up, you don't try to look cute. I had a brief moment as I had many times in the recent past where I thought....what if he proposes and you look like this, but I put it away. I wasn't going to have any unrealistic expectations. So sweaty from cleaning, ponytailed and makeup less and I was off.
Besides Daka is so sentimental he'd NEVER ask in front of anyone. Josh and I drove out to the little nugget to meet the rest of the party coming into town from Blo/No. They followed us into the spot where we could park our cars and start the hike.
Side note:Eric Floberg is an amazingly talented photographer, I guess it should have tipped me off but I really expected him to bring his camera, I mean this spot is amazing of course he'd want to capture some photographs.
Once we hiked up and through the over grown path we made it to the Trestles(train tracks suspended 80ft over a small river). Eric is not a fan of heights, and there is nothing to keep you from falling off the edge. We started to walk across, Daka in the lead the Eric Sabriah and I following close, with Leah, Adriel, and Josh following a ways behind. I figured the slow pokers were just having more trouble with the heights. Daka sat down and asked me to sit beside him Sabriah and Eric continued ahead where they sat and took pictures.
There were NO signs anything would happen. Daka opened his backpack and......grabbed a bottle of water. He started to drink and we chatted a little bit. Then he put it away and pulled out a plastic bag, handed it to me telling me it was a gift.
Was he being sweet since it had been 11 months? Why was he doing this in front of people? Looking through the bag I saw something red and square like a large box. My thoughts went to engagement, but as I opened the bag to see a journal I put those thoughts away once again. Then he told me he wrote something to me in the journal and that I needed to read it. 1pg in to the 5 front and back pages and I knew. I started to cry. Oh how he showed me his love for me as he commended my character, and told me why he cared for me. The last few lines said..."I guess what I am trying to say is..." then an arrow on the other page. I thought the arrow was pointing to him leading him to pop the question. He just sat there and smiled, so I turned another page...and another...and then I skipped a BUNCH(31 to be exact) to see a cut out box through the pages where a picture of my ring lay and the words Will you Marry Me? were written. I asked if he was serious....silly question I know. He said he was and I said yes!
Daka handed me a pen to write in my answer and then for the first time told me those sweet words. "I love you." Gosh Daka I love you so much. I am excited for the time ahead. I know that because we are sinners there will be trials, but I'm so glad to work together through life with him.
My ring is on it's way. It's just a symbol so I'm not too concerned about it. It's being handmade and though it was ordered 5 weeks before he proposed I may not get it until August(at the latest). I'm just so grateful that this man can deal with my insanity.
 |
| I love his sneaky face here. |
Daka Wiedeman, I love you.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I am beautiful
It's funny how frustrating being a woman can be. As I fight the battle of overeating, I have victorious days and ones that are not filled with delight. Today is a mixture of both. I have eaten decently all day, I ran 2.5 miles and did an arm workout. Even though I should be celebrating my success for the day I can't help but point out the flaws. I tried on an old pair of jeans and they were uncomfortably tight. So I allowed this to ruin the rest of my day. Emotionally I think my appearance will always be a struggle. I just wish I could let go of the concern I have over it. So what if I have a great day and do everything right, or have an awful day and go back for the seconds I do not need, or binge when I get home from work. I am beautiful. My appearance may not always be the loveliest, but I am beautiful. I rarely believe this statement. But even though I may not always believe it I know it's true. God is continually changing me to be more like him and he is beautiful. The more I become like Jesus the more lovely I become. I'm going to have to tell myself this a lot today when I feel so defeated. When my efforts seems like they just aren't enough, but I'll remind myself and maybe one day I might actually believe it.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
An Eating Disorder pt 2
For those of you who didn't read my pt 1 I suggest you go to that post in January before you read further.
So for a while now I have been struggling with obsessive overeating. This is more than your I stuffed myself too full at dinner scenario. I described in my previous post how much it overcame me. My thoughts were dedicated to food. My over consumption of food was hidden really well. Truthfully food was, and sometimes still is, an idol in my life.
If you don't struggle with this I don't expect you to understand. But I'm sure that if you're a female you can probably relate to the issues that tag a long with an eating disorder. When I would overeat I felt immediate remorse. I felt out of control and doomed to fail again and again. I would cry myself to sleep, or run to food again for comfort. Food is not a comforter. God is a comforter. I have prayed for myself in this area a lot. I have asked for prayer for the symptoms that tagged along with it such as: self hate, depression, thoughts of self mutilation and even sometimes suicide. But I was too embarrassed to talk about the fact that I was consumed by food.
Then I started to see that hiding it gave it more power over me. So I blogged. Still ashamed I didn't post it publicly to anyone who wasn't subscribed to my page. Then I started sharing with close friends. But I still battled. I think I will always battle this in one way or another. But lately I am seeing victory.
I called Kristen one night crying after a binge, and a tearful talk with my boyfriend who had no idea how much it really affected me. So we prayed. Or more like She prayed over me and i cried. And while I still have to put myself in check, do I need any more food? Is this how God wants me to treat the body he gave me? etc. I am getting to see victory.
I, like many women compare my body to others. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel attractive. When I look in the mirror I don't see that. (please don't try to compliment me to make me feel better) But God made me. And what God makes is good. So as I am learning to treat my body well because it is his creation, I'm also doing my best to silence the thoughts of self hate.
I want to be fit. But I don't want that to take the place of my over eating either. Replacing one idol with another doesn't fix the problem. So I'm learning to not beat myself up, because God made me for his glory and not my own.
I guess I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this. I'm not sure anyone cares, but I just wanted to give God some glory. He is fighting my battles for me. He cares about something as silly as this. He cares for even a wretch like me. God has to be my satisfaction. I desire that. He is good.
So for a while now I have been struggling with obsessive overeating. This is more than your I stuffed myself too full at dinner scenario. I described in my previous post how much it overcame me. My thoughts were dedicated to food. My over consumption of food was hidden really well. Truthfully food was, and sometimes still is, an idol in my life.
If you don't struggle with this I don't expect you to understand. But I'm sure that if you're a female you can probably relate to the issues that tag a long with an eating disorder. When I would overeat I felt immediate remorse. I felt out of control and doomed to fail again and again. I would cry myself to sleep, or run to food again for comfort. Food is not a comforter. God is a comforter. I have prayed for myself in this area a lot. I have asked for prayer for the symptoms that tagged along with it such as: self hate, depression, thoughts of self mutilation and even sometimes suicide. But I was too embarrassed to talk about the fact that I was consumed by food.
Then I started to see that hiding it gave it more power over me. So I blogged. Still ashamed I didn't post it publicly to anyone who wasn't subscribed to my page. Then I started sharing with close friends. But I still battled. I think I will always battle this in one way or another. But lately I am seeing victory.
I called Kristen one night crying after a binge, and a tearful talk with my boyfriend who had no idea how much it really affected me. So we prayed. Or more like She prayed over me and i cried. And while I still have to put myself in check, do I need any more food? Is this how God wants me to treat the body he gave me? etc. I am getting to see victory.
I, like many women compare my body to others. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel attractive. When I look in the mirror I don't see that. (please don't try to compliment me to make me feel better) But God made me. And what God makes is good. So as I am learning to treat my body well because it is his creation, I'm also doing my best to silence the thoughts of self hate.
I want to be fit. But I don't want that to take the place of my over eating either. Replacing one idol with another doesn't fix the problem. So I'm learning to not beat myself up, because God made me for his glory and not my own.
I guess I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this. I'm not sure anyone cares, but I just wanted to give God some glory. He is fighting my battles for me. He cares about something as silly as this. He cares for even a wretch like me. God has to be my satisfaction. I desire that. He is good.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Oh the lies Satan whispers
So I've been mustering up the courage to write this blog for over a month now, and I'm sure I'll have to gain the courage to post this if that comes about.
So just to update you with what is left in my schooling: Finish a medical and school internship, pass Praxis, and pass Comprehensive Exams.
Having so desired to work with the cleft palate population since my junior year of undergrad I was ecstatic about getting the opportunity to work at Children's on a Cleft Palate-Craniofacial team. Little did I know how little I knew, haha. I loved my internship but it was a HUGE learning curve. I'm not one who jumps right in because well I'm a perfectionist and if I'm not sure I can do it right then I'd rather not try. Some people also refer to that as lazy. I get so in my head and so down on myself that I let any imperfection rule my life. Leading me to my first lie.
Lie #1 You Are Inadequate.
Satan is very good at his job, he loves to mix a little lie in with truth or to take truth and give it a different meaning, turning it into a lie. The latter is what happened here. I Am Inadequate. Or rather was inadequate. I am imperfect sinful and missing something that something was Jesus. Luckily over the years I have gotten to know him. He has changed my life. Given me purpose. Made me WHOLE.
So I probably wasn't the best candidate for the position at the hospital, but I was fortunate that God has built me to adapt, learn, follow, lead, take instruction, well he's given me a lot of qualities so I'll leave it at that.
So I'm in this internship working a 40hr week and coming home exhausted. I stop finding time to renew. I stop seeking relationship with the one person who can fill the holes in my life, my creator God. My spiritual grow is at a standstill, actually more of a back slide because the longer I go without meeting with him the less I have a desire for him. I stop finding my worth where I should and start finding it in what I am accomplishing.
All the while I am preparing for examinations that are coming up. Little by little I give in to my tired attitude and study far less than I should. I take the Praxis. I pass. I praise the Lord in the moment and move right along.
Next comes Comps, I definitely studied more for this than Praxis and I'm feeling pretty confident. I take the exam leave and felt like WOW that was difficult. But God has led me this far so I'm sure I passed. A couple days later I get the email, "We regret to inform you that you have not passed comprehensive exams. The university is required to give you two more attempts to show your knowledge". I wrote that from memory that's how stuck it was in my head. This leads me to the second lie
Lie #2 God's plan is not enough.
God's plan for my life is to bring him glory in all that I do. To share his love with others. To direct them to him. That is my purpose. He can use a career, or no job, or a different job to accomplish it. He does not revolve around my plans.
Broken hearted I cry over my problems as though my world has ended. I complain, worry, and get depressed. I run to others for prayer and forget to run to my Abba, my Father, the one who cares most for me.
After difficult but truthful words from some important people in my life, my sin is pointed out and I am pressed to confess to the father my idols. I start reading the word again, I start clinging to him again and I get to Jeremiah 29. You know it I'm sure. The over quoted scripture that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have heard it and been comforted by it before but what happened this time was the comfort I got from the surrounding verses. The people were in exile. For 70 years mind you. And God is speaking comfort to them. Man I would have a hard time believing it if I didn't have scripture showing me how faithful God is.
So I start to cling to truth. God spoke to my heart multiple times through the depression and justification and restoration for Israel in these scriptures.
I retook the Comprehensive exams, and I didn't do so well to rely on Christ. I was filled with fear. My idols were still in place. They still are and I have a feeling it's going to take some time to real restoration to take place. But surprisingly I am excited for it. I want the sin in my life to come to light. I want to be restored and made new. I want the lies to be defeated and my worship directed to He who deserves it not to myself, or career.
To end on a happy note, I passed my exam. I was humbled by the retake and so thankful not to have to lose this career. I am still struggling to meet with God daily. I hope rereading this on occasion will remind me that God desires to be first, and rightly so. So if you think of me Pray.
Pray that God is all I live for. Pray that when I stray it's not long before I run back into his arms. Pray that my faithfulness increases and my idols are broken. Pray that I stop giving Sin an opening in my life. Pray that how I live gives God glory, and brings people to him. Pray that I fearlessly proclaim his name and his gospel.
-Keeley
So just to update you with what is left in my schooling: Finish a medical and school internship, pass Praxis, and pass Comprehensive Exams.
Having so desired to work with the cleft palate population since my junior year of undergrad I was ecstatic about getting the opportunity to work at Children's on a Cleft Palate-Craniofacial team. Little did I know how little I knew, haha. I loved my internship but it was a HUGE learning curve. I'm not one who jumps right in because well I'm a perfectionist and if I'm not sure I can do it right then I'd rather not try. Some people also refer to that as lazy. I get so in my head and so down on myself that I let any imperfection rule my life. Leading me to my first lie.
Lie #1 You Are Inadequate.
Satan is very good at his job, he loves to mix a little lie in with truth or to take truth and give it a different meaning, turning it into a lie. The latter is what happened here. I Am Inadequate. Or rather was inadequate. I am imperfect sinful and missing something that something was Jesus. Luckily over the years I have gotten to know him. He has changed my life. Given me purpose. Made me WHOLE.
So I probably wasn't the best candidate for the position at the hospital, but I was fortunate that God has built me to adapt, learn, follow, lead, take instruction, well he's given me a lot of qualities so I'll leave it at that.
So I'm in this internship working a 40hr week and coming home exhausted. I stop finding time to renew. I stop seeking relationship with the one person who can fill the holes in my life, my creator God. My spiritual grow is at a standstill, actually more of a back slide because the longer I go without meeting with him the less I have a desire for him. I stop finding my worth where I should and start finding it in what I am accomplishing.
All the while I am preparing for examinations that are coming up. Little by little I give in to my tired attitude and study far less than I should. I take the Praxis. I pass. I praise the Lord in the moment and move right along.
Next comes Comps, I definitely studied more for this than Praxis and I'm feeling pretty confident. I take the exam leave and felt like WOW that was difficult. But God has led me this far so I'm sure I passed. A couple days later I get the email, "We regret to inform you that you have not passed comprehensive exams. The university is required to give you two more attempts to show your knowledge". I wrote that from memory that's how stuck it was in my head. This leads me to the second lie
Lie #2 God's plan is not enough.
God's plan for my life is to bring him glory in all that I do. To share his love with others. To direct them to him. That is my purpose. He can use a career, or no job, or a different job to accomplish it. He does not revolve around my plans.
Broken hearted I cry over my problems as though my world has ended. I complain, worry, and get depressed. I run to others for prayer and forget to run to my Abba, my Father, the one who cares most for me.
After difficult but truthful words from some important people in my life, my sin is pointed out and I am pressed to confess to the father my idols. I start reading the word again, I start clinging to him again and I get to Jeremiah 29. You know it I'm sure. The over quoted scripture that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have heard it and been comforted by it before but what happened this time was the comfort I got from the surrounding verses. The people were in exile. For 70 years mind you. And God is speaking comfort to them. Man I would have a hard time believing it if I didn't have scripture showing me how faithful God is.
So I start to cling to truth. God spoke to my heart multiple times through the depression and justification and restoration for Israel in these scriptures.
I retook the Comprehensive exams, and I didn't do so well to rely on Christ. I was filled with fear. My idols were still in place. They still are and I have a feeling it's going to take some time to real restoration to take place. But surprisingly I am excited for it. I want the sin in my life to come to light. I want to be restored and made new. I want the lies to be defeated and my worship directed to He who deserves it not to myself, or career.
To end on a happy note, I passed my exam. I was humbled by the retake and so thankful not to have to lose this career. I am still struggling to meet with God daily. I hope rereading this on occasion will remind me that God desires to be first, and rightly so. So if you think of me Pray.
Pray that God is all I live for. Pray that when I stray it's not long before I run back into his arms. Pray that my faithfulness increases and my idols are broken. Pray that I stop giving Sin an opening in my life. Pray that how I live gives God glory, and brings people to him. Pray that I fearlessly proclaim his name and his gospel.
-Keeley
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