Expectation is the root of all heartache.-William Shakespeare
I ran across this quote recently and it's funny because it describes my life at this moment perfectly. A big lesson I'm being taught right now is that my plan for my life is not the same as God's plan always. A lot of the disappointment I've felt in the past few months is because of my goals for my life. I used to be so focused(and many times I still am) on the future I laid out for myself. It went a lot like this: Get into a good grad school, get a good job, marry a great guy, be happy. Guess what? <- that doesn't equate with happiness. Go figure. My happiness shouldn't be balanced on circumstances but my joy should come from my relationship with Christ. A relationship I haven't been doing a good job of building.This year I have grown so much. Most of my growth has come out of the dark and unhappy times when God tells me he should be my all. I get so down on myself for my shortcomings. I have a heart full of anger and hurt and I get depressed when I let those feelings over take me. Its so much easier to just hide behind the façade of the happy go lucky Christian girl.
Lots of people aren't honest about what life is really like when you accept Christ. It is not some quick fix. Trials come and go just like they do in everyone's life but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.Phil 4:13. Sometimes I have to repeat this to myself over an over. Especially in situations where I have to repent of my sin and ask for forgiveness. There have been so many days recently where I get overwhelmed to the point of tears and I pull away from the people who love me, luckily my Saviour is ever with me. He never leaves nor forsakes me. I am a Child of God, flawed but forgiven.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Berlin (pt 3 the legit stuff)
Wow. There aren't even words that can express all the things God did on my trip. Most of his work was on my own heart. I'm still processing it all and trying to soak in the lessons he has taught me. I'll try to be brief and if you want to know more about my trip I'd love to tell you one on one.
First and foremost Berlin is HARD. You know the butterflies you get when you are about to tell someone that Jesus defines who you are, that he's the most incredible savior the world has ever seen and he wants a personal relationship with every individual on this earth? Yeah? well multiply those butterflies by 100 and you get what I went through in Berlin. God is not a name that is spoken there. The Country of Germany was oppressed in the name of religion before and so God isn't really something they like to chit chat about. Jesus....well they don't even really know who he was.
While there were many times I was discouraged when I asked people if I could talk to them about their lives and about religion and they rejected me, it always reminded me of just how big the God I serve is. It really showed me that I deep within my core believe that Jesus took the place for my sins so that I don't have to go to hell. It showed me just how much he cares for me.
I'm a very emotional person. My heart breaks easily, and my heart broke completely for the people in Berlin. When talking to an Atheist woman I realized just how much she needed to know that God loved her. Christianity isn't understood there. There is a huge stigma that we're self righteous and pushy, and breaking that misconception was hard. Why? Because we can be those things, luckily we have grace.
Berlin is so diverse. I met very few German students. Most of my interactions were with people from all over the place. Thats a huge reason I think God wants to reach Berlin. Making an impact there really could change the world.
The gospel was shared with numerous students on our trip, but no one made a decision. I left Germany on Sunday feeling defeated. I wanted to see people believing what I know is true but that didn't happen. So I took it to Christ and he gave me Hebrews 11. It's all about faithfulness and how the faithful often don't get to see the rewards of being obedient. God is sovereign and I know he's working in the hearts of the people we shared with. I trust that he'll do the work.....because only he can.
P.S there are people I was really impacted by so if you think of them be in prayer that God will move in their hearts. Costas- a new student who came from Greece. Natalie- a timid girl from Poland who isn't sure God could care about her "boring life". And especially Hannah- a professor who's 5yr old daughter has been asking her about Jesus.
First and foremost Berlin is HARD. You know the butterflies you get when you are about to tell someone that Jesus defines who you are, that he's the most incredible savior the world has ever seen and he wants a personal relationship with every individual on this earth? Yeah? well multiply those butterflies by 100 and you get what I went through in Berlin. God is not a name that is spoken there. The Country of Germany was oppressed in the name of religion before and so God isn't really something they like to chit chat about. Jesus....well they don't even really know who he was.
While there were many times I was discouraged when I asked people if I could talk to them about their lives and about religion and they rejected me, it always reminded me of just how big the God I serve is. It really showed me that I deep within my core believe that Jesus took the place for my sins so that I don't have to go to hell. It showed me just how much he cares for me.
I'm a very emotional person. My heart breaks easily, and my heart broke completely for the people in Berlin. When talking to an Atheist woman I realized just how much she needed to know that God loved her. Christianity isn't understood there. There is a huge stigma that we're self righteous and pushy, and breaking that misconception was hard. Why? Because we can be those things, luckily we have grace.
Berlin is so diverse. I met very few German students. Most of my interactions were with people from all over the place. Thats a huge reason I think God wants to reach Berlin. Making an impact there really could change the world.
The gospel was shared with numerous students on our trip, but no one made a decision. I left Germany on Sunday feeling defeated. I wanted to see people believing what I know is true but that didn't happen. So I took it to Christ and he gave me Hebrews 11. It's all about faithfulness and how the faithful often don't get to see the rewards of being obedient. God is sovereign and I know he's working in the hearts of the people we shared with. I trust that he'll do the work.....because only he can.
P.S there are people I was really impacted by so if you think of them be in prayer that God will move in their hearts. Costas- a new student who came from Greece. Natalie- a timid girl from Poland who isn't sure God could care about her "boring life". And especially Hannah- a professor who's 5yr old daughter has been asking her about Jesus.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Berlin(pt2 how he ripped my list to pieces)
Like I said I gave God a list of things he had to do to get me to Germany. I don't know if I trusted that he was big enough to accomplish it, but boy and I glad I was wrong.
It started over winter break when for some odd reason a family felt led by God to give me $1,000. I took it in shock wondering what in the world he had in store for this. I hadn't been praying about my financial situation, yes money was tight but he was providing. I thought well maybe he's just blessing me with this so my rent will be paid and I won't have to worry.
When Berlin was brought up to me and I was told that the trip would cost a total of $1600 I thought hmm well maybe thats why...but this was my gift and I want to use it however I please. Luckily God smacked that notion out of my head fairly quickly. Raising $600 wasn't going to be a big burden so I started to cross off finances from my list.
Next I made the call to my parents. I don't know why I thought there might be opposition but they were so excited for me. It couldn't have been easier.
Then came my passport: I needed to start the process quickly if I was going to get it in time. I would have done is sooner but I had to wait for my birth certificate in the mail. When it came I filled out all the appropriate paper work and took it to the post office to have it sent away. Being born in the 80's in South Carolina apparently they did the whole birth certificate thing differently. My certificate is just slightly bigger than a credit card and when I showed it to the man at the passport desk he took a good 3mins flipping it, rubbing his hand over it, giving me puzzling looks. Eventually he gave me a few options. "I've never seen a birth certificate like this and I don't know if the passport offices will accept it, you may need a long form so here is what you can do" 1)send it now and order the long form then start the process over and expedite if they reject it(this options costs about $300). 2)Wait for the long form and try again.(cost $200) Or 3) send it now and hope they accept it($130).
Needless to say I chose option 3 praying that if God wanted me to go he'd either give me the funds for a second try or let it run it's course. 1.5 weeks later I called the offices to check on the status of my passport and they said that nothing had come up about my birth certificate and that it looked as though things were going alright. They asked me the date of my trip and told me that it was projected to arrive 2 days before I left, but I could spend $70 and get it there faster. I gave them the "I'll call back in a week to check on it and expedite then if necessary" answer. A week later my passport arrived before I made the phone call.
Well my finances were still lacking in $600 and I was preparing to write my letters of support to send to friends to raise the rest but for some reason I felt the need to call and thank the family who felt led to give me the $1000. I knew that they would love to hear how God was using them. I told them about my trip and thanked them for what they had done for me, hung up the phone. At that point I had a peace about getting the rest of the money for my trip. 5 mins later I get another phone call from the same family telling me that they had felt led to pray about my trip and thought God was calling them to send the rest of the money to me. I wrote one letter of support to that family and I had everything provided for me. I can't even begin to thank them for how they allowed God to use them in my life.
Then on to my boss: I had asked for the 9 days off for Panama, Florida and went in to talk to him about how likely it was that I was going to get those days off. He said he wasn't able to guarantee anything because so many students were leaving but that he'd try. I explained that I was no longer going to Florida but rather to Germany. He turned and looked at me and said "Keeley, that is a once in a life time thing. Go. I will make sure you get the days off you need. Go, and then come back and tell me about it." I can't wait to use my experience there as a witness to him.
Lastly was my spiritual growth. While I have been continually sanctified this semester I have a tendency to focus on my failures rather than my growth. I wanted to be well equipped to share my faith but not just that to also be fully focused on Christ. I have had multiple opportunities on campus to share the gospel and it has been a wonderful experience to take them. But I know the people in Berlin will be less receptive. I feel more adequate in this area now even though it still scares me. I also wanted my heart to be in the right place. Some days I wanted to go to Berlin just to get away from the US from the drama in my life and from the complacency I feel here. Other times it's all about wanting others to have a relationship with the God of the universe. I have been in the word more this semester than probably in my whole Christian walk but even then sometimes I did it out of obligation rather than desire for growth. Lately I've been reading Paul's letters to different churches. I started in Colossians last semester then switched to Philippians and recently ended in Philemon. And then God gave me this in sight. Philemon 1:6 "I pray that you be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have full understanding of every good thing that we have in Christ." 1) I am to share my faith and 2) every good thing(all those times when my motives are right about going to Berlin) is because I have Christ in me. I don't have to dwell on the times when my heart is not right because if I direct my focus to Christ the Holy spirit will enable me.
I can't wait to write the rest of this blog. 6 more days. Be in prayer for big things to happen in Germany. It's the Atheist capital of Europe and there will be a lot of opposition there but my God is bigger than all that.
It started over winter break when for some odd reason a family felt led by God to give me $1,000. I took it in shock wondering what in the world he had in store for this. I hadn't been praying about my financial situation, yes money was tight but he was providing. I thought well maybe he's just blessing me with this so my rent will be paid and I won't have to worry.
When Berlin was brought up to me and I was told that the trip would cost a total of $1600 I thought hmm well maybe thats why...but this was my gift and I want to use it however I please. Luckily God smacked that notion out of my head fairly quickly. Raising $600 wasn't going to be a big burden so I started to cross off finances from my list.
Next I made the call to my parents. I don't know why I thought there might be opposition but they were so excited for me. It couldn't have been easier.
Then came my passport: I needed to start the process quickly if I was going to get it in time. I would have done is sooner but I had to wait for my birth certificate in the mail. When it came I filled out all the appropriate paper work and took it to the post office to have it sent away. Being born in the 80's in South Carolina apparently they did the whole birth certificate thing differently. My certificate is just slightly bigger than a credit card and when I showed it to the man at the passport desk he took a good 3mins flipping it, rubbing his hand over it, giving me puzzling looks. Eventually he gave me a few options. "I've never seen a birth certificate like this and I don't know if the passport offices will accept it, you may need a long form so here is what you can do" 1)send it now and order the long form then start the process over and expedite if they reject it(this options costs about $300). 2)Wait for the long form and try again.(cost $200) Or 3) send it now and hope they accept it($130).
Needless to say I chose option 3 praying that if God wanted me to go he'd either give me the funds for a second try or let it run it's course. 1.5 weeks later I called the offices to check on the status of my passport and they said that nothing had come up about my birth certificate and that it looked as though things were going alright. They asked me the date of my trip and told me that it was projected to arrive 2 days before I left, but I could spend $70 and get it there faster. I gave them the "I'll call back in a week to check on it and expedite then if necessary" answer. A week later my passport arrived before I made the phone call.
Well my finances were still lacking in $600 and I was preparing to write my letters of support to send to friends to raise the rest but for some reason I felt the need to call and thank the family who felt led to give me the $1000. I knew that they would love to hear how God was using them. I told them about my trip and thanked them for what they had done for me, hung up the phone. At that point I had a peace about getting the rest of the money for my trip. 5 mins later I get another phone call from the same family telling me that they had felt led to pray about my trip and thought God was calling them to send the rest of the money to me. I wrote one letter of support to that family and I had everything provided for me. I can't even begin to thank them for how they allowed God to use them in my life.
Then on to my boss: I had asked for the 9 days off for Panama, Florida and went in to talk to him about how likely it was that I was going to get those days off. He said he wasn't able to guarantee anything because so many students were leaving but that he'd try. I explained that I was no longer going to Florida but rather to Germany. He turned and looked at me and said "Keeley, that is a once in a life time thing. Go. I will make sure you get the days off you need. Go, and then come back and tell me about it." I can't wait to use my experience there as a witness to him.
Lastly was my spiritual growth. While I have been continually sanctified this semester I have a tendency to focus on my failures rather than my growth. I wanted to be well equipped to share my faith but not just that to also be fully focused on Christ. I have had multiple opportunities on campus to share the gospel and it has been a wonderful experience to take them. But I know the people in Berlin will be less receptive. I feel more adequate in this area now even though it still scares me. I also wanted my heart to be in the right place. Some days I wanted to go to Berlin just to get away from the US from the drama in my life and from the complacency I feel here. Other times it's all about wanting others to have a relationship with the God of the universe. I have been in the word more this semester than probably in my whole Christian walk but even then sometimes I did it out of obligation rather than desire for growth. Lately I've been reading Paul's letters to different churches. I started in Colossians last semester then switched to Philippians and recently ended in Philemon. And then God gave me this in sight. Philemon 1:6 "I pray that you be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have full understanding of every good thing that we have in Christ." 1) I am to share my faith and 2) every good thing(all those times when my motives are right about going to Berlin) is because I have Christ in me. I don't have to dwell on the times when my heart is not right because if I direct my focus to Christ the Holy spirit will enable me.
I can't wait to write the rest of this blog. 6 more days. Be in prayer for big things to happen in Germany. It's the Atheist capital of Europe and there will be a lot of opposition there but my God is bigger than all that.
Berlin (pt 1)
Germany. Not really my ideal vacation spot, in fact I never really give thought to the place but it was pushed into my lap as an opportunity to be obedient. So here is the story:
Campus Crusade for Christ gives students ministry opportunities over spring break. ISU's CRU had two options, Panama City Beach or Berlin, Germany. Sitting in CRU there were little cards passed around about spring break and I remember looking at the options and thinking to myself "Wow Berlin would be a great opportunity for growth. But I already decided to go to PCB and well I don't have the money, passport or time off work." So I let my first opportunity to say yes to Berlin pass me by. Then Christmas break happened and I didn't really think about it at all I was focused on other things but once I returned God kept bringing up Berlin. In CRU meetings, hearing others talk about their experience there during previous spring breaks and I felt my heart being tugged little by little.
Over break we were asked to read the book The Fuel and the Flame. It was a book about being active in our walks with Christ, pursuing him and pursuing ministry. I'm going to quote the passage that made me rethink world ministry: "There are about 600 million active Christians in the world today. Approximately 150 million of them are between 22-55 years of age(thats me right there). The estimate is that we need only about 20,000 to 30,000 of them to be cross cultural missionaries to finish reaching every unreached people group. that means we need only 1 volunteer from ever 5,000 people in this age group" This hit me like a brick wall.
Years ago I was sitting in chapel at a church camp(I was maybe 10 at the time) and there was a missionary from Bangladesh who asked us to be in prayer about being called overseas, even short term. I remember defiantly praying to God "Don't ever call me Lord, I can't and won't go. I can be a missionary right here." And while it is true that our mission to share the gospel is applicable no matter where we are I think God is showing me that he loves more than just American's and that his plan is better, by asking me to go.
After returning from winter break I was approached by the intern of CRU, Lindsey, and she asked me what I thought about Berlin. To myself I thought well it's be cool but it'll never happen for me, but I decided to pray over it and couldn't get it off my mind for days after that interaction. So I gave God my list of things he had to accomplish if he wanted me there.
The list:
1) Soften my parents hearts so that they are completely on board with my trip
2) Provide the financial support I'll need
3) Bring me a passport in time
4) Give me the time off of work
5) Grow my faith
He did it all but that story will come in a bit...
Campus Crusade for Christ gives students ministry opportunities over spring break. ISU's CRU had two options, Panama City Beach or Berlin, Germany. Sitting in CRU there were little cards passed around about spring break and I remember looking at the options and thinking to myself "Wow Berlin would be a great opportunity for growth. But I already decided to go to PCB and well I don't have the money, passport or time off work." So I let my first opportunity to say yes to Berlin pass me by. Then Christmas break happened and I didn't really think about it at all I was focused on other things but once I returned God kept bringing up Berlin. In CRU meetings, hearing others talk about their experience there during previous spring breaks and I felt my heart being tugged little by little.
Over break we were asked to read the book The Fuel and the Flame. It was a book about being active in our walks with Christ, pursuing him and pursuing ministry. I'm going to quote the passage that made me rethink world ministry: "There are about 600 million active Christians in the world today. Approximately 150 million of them are between 22-55 years of age(thats me right there). The estimate is that we need only about 20,000 to 30,000 of them to be cross cultural missionaries to finish reaching every unreached people group. that means we need only 1 volunteer from ever 5,000 people in this age group" This hit me like a brick wall.
Years ago I was sitting in chapel at a church camp(I was maybe 10 at the time) and there was a missionary from Bangladesh who asked us to be in prayer about being called overseas, even short term. I remember defiantly praying to God "Don't ever call me Lord, I can't and won't go. I can be a missionary right here." And while it is true that our mission to share the gospel is applicable no matter where we are I think God is showing me that he loves more than just American's and that his plan is better, by asking me to go.
After returning from winter break I was approached by the intern of CRU, Lindsey, and she asked me what I thought about Berlin. To myself I thought well it's be cool but it'll never happen for me, but I decided to pray over it and couldn't get it off my mind for days after that interaction. So I gave God my list of things he had to accomplish if he wanted me there.
The list:
1) Soften my parents hearts so that they are completely on board with my trip
2) Provide the financial support I'll need
3) Bring me a passport in time
4) Give me the time off of work
5) Grow my faith
He did it all but that story will come in a bit...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A work in progress....more like just some random thoughts.
God only knows why we didn’t work out
God only knows why I had those doubts
But he’s here to stay, he remains the same
But as for me and my heart, it’s forever changed.
My actions now reflect my love for the Lord
As I seek him out daily by reading his word
He is all sufficient, his grace meets my needs
He shows me his mercy when I’m on my knees.
Through prayer and reflection I learn more each day
And little by little he shows me the way
So thanks for the lessons you taught me those years
For showing compassion, and drying my tears
But my God is sovereign, he has his own plan
And I choose to follow the one true “I AM”
Despite the uncertainties and questions I have
I will not abandon my heavenly dad.
For he sent his son to pay for my sins
So in this short life, may my words praise him.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
A constant battle
Media imagery of what the female body should look like is in our faces constantly. As females we seek to be loved and given attention and the world tells us that we have to look a certain way in order to receive that. I didn't really start fighting the issue of body image until recently. I've always been relatively petite and well I've never had to watch what I eat to maintain a healthy body weight. College ruined that for me, not in the way you would think but my perspectives have changed. I don't desire the body of other girls. I'm not (usually) comparing myself to them I'm predominantly comparing myself to what I once looked like.
This is from my Senior year in high school and while my best friend Alyssa can try to comfort me all she wants by telling me I am so skinny here that I look sickly I still miss being that girl. I miss not caring what my body looked like because well it was fine just that way it was. And it is beautiful and fine just that way it is now but I allow myself to believe the lie that if I'm not skinny enough I am not beautiful. I know full well that this is a lie that Satan uses to throw me into a depression and to ultimately cause me to become an ineffective worker.
I don't have words of wisdom for other girls who deal with this....my problem isn't solved. I have to daily give up my weight and appearance to God and I fail at that often. I find myself in the morning having the strong desire to check my weight to make sure it's acceptable enough for me. Throughout the day I question the amount of food I have eaten and while I still eat unhealthy things like sweets, if I have any of that a substantial meal is hard for me to want to eat.
It's a constant battle and Satan is a strong enemy that I can not defeat in my own power but luckily I have God on my side. He constantly shows me grace and love.
So I started a facebook group this week(a week when I'm unbelievably sick) about accepting yourself for exactly who you are, about not being so concerned about doing your makeup before you leave the house, about letting your hair flow it's natural way etc. This is my reminder to myself that I am beautiful to God no matter what I look like on the outside.
This is me. Makeup-less and curly haired(and somewhat sick). I am loved and accepted exactly the way I am by the one who cared enough to create me.
This is me. Makeup-less and curly haired(and somewhat sick). I am loved and accepted exactly the way I am by the one who cared enough to create me.Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Finally Obedient
So at the end of last year God was prodding me to share my faith with a close friend Rebecca. Becca and I were not very close at the beginning of the year but towards the end of our last semester of Junior year we were besties(twins we called it). That made things even worse because now that I finally had a friend from school I was even more fearful of rejection if she knew about my love for God. Needless to say I never talked to her about anything spiritual and we parted ways for the summer. We kept in touch using skype as our means for communication over the summer.
Becca knew I went to church, she knew I didn't drink(often, I have done this in my not so long ago past) and well I liked to believe she could see Christ in my life. Fact was I wasn't really living for God at the time. But this semester God has been growing me and well I'm finally working on my own relationship with him and that spilled over into Becca's life. I finally got the opportunity to share the gospel with her and for the first time in probably a year I started praying.
My friends kept telling me to be intentional with her. To continually direct her thoughts towards Jesus and what he did on the cross for her. I led her through the Romans road and I admit I was somewhat discouraged she didn't make a decision then and there.
Fall getaway came and for some reason it didn't cross my mind to invite her. I considered this retreat to be for those who already accepted the gift of salvation to grow their faith. Luckily Alyssa took on the role of getting her to come. I just kept seeing God prompting her to follow him. I knew that he was the only one who could fix her brokenness because I saw him fixing me.
Well this story has a very happy ending. The other day I was talking to her and she was telling me how she was purging her facebook so to speak. Deleting things she wasn't proud of ridding herself of friends who were wrong influences in her life and I thought to myself...."something has changed in her". God changed her. I'm so excited to know that the wonderful Rebecca Wheeler accepted Christ as her Lord and savior recently.
You can be praying for her because her family is not as accepting of this change in her and that is a big struggle. So lets pray that God works in them! because he is sovereign and he draws us to him.
Becca knew I went to church, she knew I didn't drink(often, I have done this in my not so long ago past) and well I liked to believe she could see Christ in my life. Fact was I wasn't really living for God at the time. But this semester God has been growing me and well I'm finally working on my own relationship with him and that spilled over into Becca's life. I finally got the opportunity to share the gospel with her and for the first time in probably a year I started praying.
My friends kept telling me to be intentional with her. To continually direct her thoughts towards Jesus and what he did on the cross for her. I led her through the Romans road and I admit I was somewhat discouraged she didn't make a decision then and there.
Fall getaway came and for some reason it didn't cross my mind to invite her. I considered this retreat to be for those who already accepted the gift of salvation to grow their faith. Luckily Alyssa took on the role of getting her to come. I just kept seeing God prompting her to follow him. I knew that he was the only one who could fix her brokenness because I saw him fixing me.
You can be praying for her because her family is not as accepting of this change in her and that is a big struggle. So lets pray that God works in them! because he is sovereign and he draws us to him.
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