A season of singleness

As I felt called to and decided to take this season of singleness I realized a lot more about how I idolize relationships with men. God made us to be relational beings but I put earthly relationships above the one on one I have with Christ. Instead of running to the Lord when my day is awful, or even when it's great I run directly to an earthly person. At first I figured it was just a problem with males, but as I stepped back from it I realized my problem was in valuing all relationships over Christ. This summer I have grown so close to a select group of Godly women, and they became my outlet for pain, sin struggles, happiness etc. I began to realize the the problem was far deeper than relationships with guys. I didn't desire Christ. My view of God was that he was this person I ran to with the big things rather than a relational being. While I am working on taking everything to the Lord first I still desire that immediate feedback from a physically present being. I'm so quick to forget that as a Christian I carry Christ with me. I am empowered by the holy spirit and therefore he is ever present in side of me. Daily worship of the Lord, and expanding my view of him has helped some but I struggle with feelings of loneliness when not surrounded by other. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.  In him I can do all things. These are the truths I have to preach to myself daily. The stronger I grow in relationship with him the more I see him in every circumstance. He carries me, when I no longer have the strength to walk.

Mighty to Save

The past few weeks have been an emotional and spiritual roller coaster for me as the summer winds down and I start to get distracted by anything and everything. My walk with the Lord will always be a journey of striving towards a perfection that I will not attain until I reach heaven, but some days are more difficult than others. The apostle Paul writes in Philippians 3:12 "Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." What an encouragement to know that Christ took hold of me, and my obedience to him does not determine my salvation but rather because of who he is I will serve him.

My mind set used to be(and very often still is) that I served the Lord because he loved me. While that's all fine and dandy I want to serve him for who he is, not what he does. For so long I have used the Lord as my "Mr. Fix it" I run to him to solve my problems. The Bible was my "How to live a happy fulfilled life for dummies" book. What I've discovered is that I know nothing about the amazing God I serve. If I knew and worshiped him truly I wouldn't care about my own life in the self absorbed way I do. I would love others in the way that the Lord pours his love on me.

This morning I was reading in the Psalms and was so encouraged by the attributes of God expressed in Chapter 118:1-17. It reads,
"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; His love endures forever.
Let Israel say: "His love endures forever."
 Let the house of Aaron say: "His love endures forever."
Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.
 The LORD is with me: I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
 I will look in triumph on my enemies.
 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
 It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in Princes.
All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the Lord I cut them off.
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me.
The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous; "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
 The LORD's right hand is lifted high; The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done."

How much the Lord does for us! The rest of the chapter is amazing and I encourage you to read the rest and sit, stand, bow, or whatever else in awe of who God is. The bigger my picture of God the better I worship.

a never ending cycle

God is so sovereign and his plan is perfect but I have been really struggling lately with trusting him in every aspect of my life. I keep going through what feels like a never ending battle of the ups and downs of my life. When I get to a point of spiritual growth Satan begins to attack and while I know he's lying to me, he's a really convincing liar. My struggles have this interwoven pattern that makes it really difficult to fight, because when I fail in one area it just knocks me down in another. Firstly is my need to be loved. God is the ultimate lover. I am his bride, but that doesn't mean I always remember that or cease from looking for love and affection from other people. When I seek out others attention I usually get it but then I start to have doubts about my worth when I don't receive affirmation. This is when the domino of body image begins to fall. I get really hard on the way I look I either go one way and completely binge or get really restrictive. Then domino number three falls and I get back to the depressed place I was in last summer where I start to pull away from people and just sleep all the time. I felt like this little pattern was breaking this summer because God was just pouring so much love on me but the moment I took my eyes off him for a second its like the battle began again right from the beginning. I know that I am his daughter, his bride, his love and that he will fight for me and with me, I know all those things in my head but my heart doesn't seem to feel the same today. Today I'm not up for fighting the battle. Keep me in your prayers as I preach the gospel to myself. If you feel this way know that you're not alone. I have a mighty warrior on my side but the battle is trying.

My summer project

So this summer was looking rather boring and bleak when it first began. Truthfully I was struggling a lot with jealousy over my friends who felt called and got the chance to go on summer projects. The community that they would have and the spiritual growth that would happen for them was something I desired. I didn't understand why God wanted to keep me here at this job, and in this town were I had very few friends, most of which lived too far away to really see much. I am so grateful that the Lord is in control. I have been so blessed this summer by the people he has put into my life.

It all started with a birthday party of a girl in my church I barely knew. I went based on the fact that I was simply bored and had nothing planned that day. Then Melissa and Kristen came into my life. These freshman sweeties invited me to a small group at the church I had been attending for the past two years. I always wanted to join one and had even had plans to check one out that week on Thursday. Their small group met on Tuesday's so I went to it first. I had an instantaneous connection with the girls in that group and the guys were so good at being spiritual leaders, I never did end up looking at other small groups. Yes I'm one of the oldest there but that stretches me to look at 1Tim 4:12 in a different light. it says "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." I was never usually on the end of looking down on others for being young but realized recently I had been. Luckily God has been teaching me so much through the lives of those who are younger than I am and it's been incredible.

Then God rocked my world again when I realized I was getting invested in just one girl in the small group and that I needed to seek out more community and have a love for each girl there. That's sort of how our women's time began. We're going to be meeting once a week and just living life together. Katie, the two Kristen's Becky and I are all pumped for growing closer together and ultimately closer to God.

Another blessing I have received this summer has been the sweet sweet Norcross family. While Maime is probably my favorite, seeing as I know her best, they have been an incredible surrogate family. It's humbling not having a car and calling people for rides to and from work or to get groceries but these people give up so much of their time for me. Whether it's a walmart trip an early morning run or just time to relax and talk about Jesus they give up their precious time to meet my needs.

My view of God and his provision has been enlarged so much recently and he is continually working in my life. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am so glad he's working on me. I can't wait until that day when I'm in his presence, whole and complete. I didn't go anywhere for a summer project, but the Lord has made a project out of perfecting me(when I let him).

Father's Day

While I am beginning to fall so in love with my one true father God, the creator of the universe, I wanted to write a little bit about the blessing of a Father he gave me here on earth. Bruce Wayne Stelzer is the nerdiest, quirkiest, most intelligent, resourceful, and loving man I know. He is the hardest worker I have ever met and is such a sacrificial giver. Some of my earliest memories of him are the times when he would come home from work, when I was still quite young, after a long day and eat dinner with me. He was almost always late to dinner because he worked oh somewhere around 14 hour days(if not more) and I was an incredibly slow eater. That little bit of time where it was just he an I at the table was so special to me. Even after putting in long hours he'd come home and invest moments of time in my family. Game nights were pretty much how we stayed connected, whether it was us all shouting Farkle around the table falling over in our chairs, teaming up boys against girls in a game of hand and foot, or playing one of the many other games we so loved, he sacrificed the sleep to smile along with us.
My dad is a story teller, a jokester, and sometimes incredibly hard to shut up, and while this may not always be my favorite thing about him it is who he is. His father is one of his great hero's and also mine. Dad always told stories about the things he and grandpa Earl did together, invented together, built together and more. I never knew my grandpa but he sure taught my father how to be a man. Dad is handy and knows oh so much. It seems that whenever mom has her eye on something new dad is prepared to build it(probably more to save money than anything lol). I remember he built a wooden flower trellis for her once, he built a room in our basement, learned how to re-roof a house alongside his brother, the man just never stops working. Fishing was a passion he instilled in me as a child and one hobby I know he wishes he had time for today. He tills, and plants our garden every year so we can have organic veggies(and also save some money haha). But the thing that I have seen in my father lately that overflows my heart with joy is his love. His love for the Lord and the wisdom he instills in me about the need for spiritual growth because he didn't seek after the Lord at my age. For my mother, the little notes they wrote each other on valentines day that were still around the house when I came home in May.  His love for his son, I see his pride whenever my brother Josh accomplishes another amazing thing. And his love for me. Thank you Papa for loving our family, for setting a good example, and for sacrificing for us all. Happy Father's Day

Are we ashamed?

Jesus girl, church girl, Bible thumper and a plethora of other names have been thrown at me. Their goal: to demean me and silence my testimony.

Something I've realized a lot lately is that so many of my "Christian" friends have taken on the role of silencing their own testimonies on the basis of being unoffensive to "non-Christians". While it's all good and dandy that you don't want to be abrasive when you share the gospel, stopping all together is wrong. Jesus himself was not well liked. The truth he spread was not always spoken in a tactful way. Jesus was offensive. Why? Because hearing about your imperfections and faults is never something that makes you feel good about yourself, but it shouldn't stop us from sharing the cure.

Ephesians 6:19&20 Paul writes "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

Whenever he opens his mouth! Living a life filled with the spirit should be seen at all times. Our faith in the saving power of Jesus' death and resurrection should be spilling out into our daily lives every time we open our mouths. For me I know this is an area I need to work on. I don't like to step on people's toes, I hate confrontation, and I like being well liked, but I will not go on silencing myself and letting others tell me that I am too much in love with Jesus. Go hard, or go home(Lecrae). I don't mind those names that I get called, because they tell me I'm doing something right. I will not be silenced, especially by other Christians, because I know the cure for the worst disease imaginable....sin. His name is Jesus.

The Lord most high watches out for me. He is Sovereign

Let me tell you, this day has been wonderful. So many things went wrong but the Lord saw me through it all. This morning I awoke crabby and angry at my smoke detector that was beeping at 4:30am. Upset that I had to spend $5 on a single battery my mood didn't really improve. I spent some time reading my Bible this morning at a local coffee shop, as is sort of my thing, and my spirits slowly lifted. I eventually realized how shallow my grumbling had been. The Lord blessed me with  breath to breathe and life to live I should rejoice in it. Later in the afternoon I got on my bike, somewhat nervous to go back to work for the first day in 3 weeks, but headed out in a better mood. Then it happened. All to quickly and in a very surreal way I was hit by a car. No worries I have REALLY MINOR scratches. I felt so bad for the poor guy who hit me who was completely freaking out. My bikes tires were crooked and I couldn't really ride it the rest of the way to work so Andrew(the guy who hit me) ended up dropping me off. We exchanged phone numbers and he told me to call him when I got off and he would take me to get a new bike.

The only injuries I have

The actually event of being hit went somewhat like this. I was approaching a four way intersection and the lights were green. Cars were going and coming my direction but none of them were turning so it seemed safe to cross. I saw Andrews car, in the right lane of the street perpendicular to the one I was on, with his turn signal on but he wasn't moving and on coming traffic was headed our way so he couldn't really move....or so I thought. I started to cross the street. Everything from there kinda slowed down I saw his car moving, felt it touch my left side, then felt myself getting lifted into the air,(it was kind of fun the feeling of flying) and my bike being pulled beneath his car. He stopped and everything was now going by at a regular speed. I got up scathed but unharmed picked up my bike and started to go on my merry way. I assured him I had not obtained injuries that needed medical attention and he insisted I meet him on the other side of the street. I did as instructed once I realized my bike was not going to get me to work. I asked him for a ride since I really needed to get to work it had been three weeks and I needed the money. He gave me his cell phone number while in the car and I texted him my name. Then I tried my best to calm the poor boy down. We chit chatted about school and I told him when I'd be getting off, to pick out a new bike.

My sweet new bike

At work I was giddy, over joyed that the Lord had been so wonderful to protect me. Every time I told the story to a co-worker I couldn't help but laugh. The bike I had been riding was an old $40 find. A a lady my father worked with sold it to me. One brake didn't work, it was rusty, and well I was glad to be getting a new one. I got off work an hour early called Andrew up and he took me to walmart. I think he's still in shock. We pick out my awesome boy bike that I am super thankful for. As we were leaving walmart and I was getting into the truck of  a friend who had come to pick me up Andrew asked me to wait for a moment. He went to his car and when he returned he gave me a gift card to starbucks. A new bike and free coffee, boy does the Lord have a sense of humor. I hope that I get an opportunity to use this experience to show Christ to Andrew. I'm sure we'll keep in touch but more importantly I'm thankful for a God who knows my every need. I needed a new bike. I needed a better attitude today. I needed another way to show my co-workers how Christ works in me. I hold no malice toward Andrew. I hope to be his friend. I am so thankful for a God who protects.