To start this off I really just need to start at the beginning of this year. God has had his hand in my life since a very young age. I accepted the gospel at the age of 5 which is very young and all I knew at the time was that I was a sinner and I needed to be saved from an eternity in hell. I saw my life changing at first, I wanted to share the gospel I knew that I was supposed to live in a way that was different. Eventually I let my own wants take a stronghold in my life. I stopped being a fruitful Christian and be came stagnant. I've been stagnant for I'd say 15 years. I've only ever gone through the motions. I grew up in the church and was there at least 5 times a week but I never grew. Things have changed this year tremendously thanks to Campus Crusade for Christ. I was not at all thrilled about joining this group of ho hum Christians because I felt like I would be fake in this group. My faith in what God could do in my life this year was so small. I underestimate his power far to much. But my best friend and the person who has encouraged my spiritual growth the most in the recent past prompted me to go. Needless to say I loved it, but for all the wrong reasons. I loved that I finally had a crowd that I could relate to that didn't drink and party on the weekends, that loved God, but I didn't care about growing spiritually in my own life. I enjoyed watching them love the Lord but I was content with my life the way it was.
God changed my heart on a retreat called "fall getaway". Even through the retreat I was running from God. I didn't want to look at my own life I just wanted to use it as a way to witness to others when in reality I was the one who's life God wanted to work in. God revealed so many faults in my life that I never knew existed and he asked me to deal with. (I'm going to be very open here) God showed me 2 main things I had been keeping from him.
The first thing I had to deal with was my relationship with my boyfriend at the time.I always thought that my relationship with him was God given and perhaps it was but we royally screwed it up. He is a wonderful person, a Christian, a decent man, and someone I really love, but even with all that our relationship was bad and I refused to believe it. Other people saw it and told me but I refused to listen then God finally wouldn't let me push things under the rug any more. Looking back now our relationship was so much worse that I had ever imagined. We were unpure in so many ways. I remember early on doing Bible studies together(I think out of obligation or the feeling that we should) but that didn't last long. Our focus was solely on each other and we used the excuse that "God brought us together so we're fine" to make us feel better. I think I thought that the fact that we were both saved would mean our relationship would never need work, well I was wrong. God asked me to give that up at fall getaway and I did. A wave of relief hit me when I finally obeyed God and I felt so close to him. For once in my life I was choosing God over what I wanted. That didn't last long but that'll come into play a little later.
The second thing God asked me to give to him was my schoolwork. I think this was even harder for me to give up...probably because I have to work at this every day. I can't just say I'm done with school and quit. I know with all my heart that God led me to this school and to this major but after that I took control. I was the one who earned the 4.0 gpa I was the one who forced herself to work hard to study like mad to drive herself completely crazy over being perfect. I'm here to tell you I am in no way perfect. I never gave God the credit for anything that happened in my school work. He gave me the ability to learn, to perform at this level, he gave me this brain and I never allowed him to receive any glory for it. I am upset so easily if exams don't go my way, I allow myself to blame teachers and to truly become angry. But God's can use a low gpa to get me wherever he wants me to go. I'm finally working on that but it's hard. I still get upset when I do poorly I have to work on it daily.
While all of this is great stuff that God has been doing in my life lately it has really hurt. It hurts seeing how imperfect I am. When I get rid of a sin in my life that gaping hole needs to be filled and I find myself filling it with similar sins. I'm not one who has a lot of friends that are female. I honestly don't trust girls, I'm too easily hurt by them but I'm being taught that I need strong female Christians in my life to watch and mirror. But even then I catch myself watching their lives and wanting to be like them rather than wanting to be like Christ. They should be an example, but not the standard. Only Jesus was perfect and I need to strive to be like him.
Philippians 3:14 "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."
My prayer for today:
Father,
Forgive me for my disobedience to you. Lord I want you at the center of my life I want you to take my all even when I refuse to give things over to you. Break me when you need to, and cause me to be fully dependent on you. Help me to strive to mirror the perfect life your son led on this earth. God fill the holes in my life with your love. Give me the desire to follow you because so often I don't feel like seeking you. Help my life to be an example to others. Let me love you first over everything in this world. Strengthen my faith and help me to seek you.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment