Becoming Mommy

Hey bug,

It has been a little over a year now that we've been on this mother son journey and I'm willing to admit I'm mostly in over my head when it comes to you. It's a hard journey learning to care for someone so deeply and love so unconditionally.  Today I had to continually fight the urge to make you into the boy I wanted, rather than let you discover who you are. As you popped yet another fist full of dirt in your mouth, I thought of the inconvenience it would be to clean you up, I realized I was trying to change you. I'm told to train you in the way you should go, but that doesn't mean not allowing you to be a rambunctious, inquisitive, independent boy. When you throw tantrums and I lose my patience with you, know that I'm still learning too. Papa and I have a lot to learn. Know that our boundaries, while they may be flawed at times, are set out of love and desire for your good. Know that we want to help you figure out this world, just as much as you desire to understand it. Becoming your mommy is a lifetime process, and I'll always be on the learning curve. Thanks for the moments after the time outs, when you give me cuddles and kisses. Thanks for the laughter you give me when we play at the park. Thank you for teaching me that life can be dirty, and difficult, but still be good. Thanks for reminding me of grace in your own little way. I promise to try to do the same. Thanks most of all, for helping become mommy.

I hate debates, but this shouldn't be one

Debating an issue rarely accomplishes anything.

Both sides usually only cling to their beliefs even more strongly after.

But life shouldn't be a debate.

I've been avoiding talking about my pro life stance

because people are just plain mean sometimes...

but today as I watched yet another PP video where women laughed

at the thought of someone being squeamish at the sight of an intact fetal head

my heart broke. 

I can't say I've felt the same as women who've had abortions

But I have felt fear with pregnancy.

Micaiah was by no means planned

We had no jobs

no health insurance

and I was so scared

But from the very moment I read the test that said I was pregnant

I called him my baby.

He wasn't just tissue

He was a baby

I haven't told many people this

But when we first found out

I cried.

Not tears of joy.

I cried because I couldn't handle the responsibility.

We were just married

How could we possibly care for a baby

We could barely care for ourselves

But I never thought of him as anything other than a child.

And as weeks passed 

I feared that my body might reject him
eventually that fear lessened.

I felt nothing but desire for his life

We didn't deal with many of the difficulties others have

He was healthy(relatively)

I was healthy

I had support

But even if I didn't have all that, he deserved a life.

It's a beautiful one.

I sometimes sit in awe of the brave women who parent alone

Who take on post partum depression

Medical issues

financial responsibility

child rearing

all alone

They are so strong.

I am just lucky.

My heart hurts for the babies who weren't loved.

Who were thrown away because someone thought they didn't deserve a life

I know, at times women did this because they thought it was better

better for a child to die than live in poverty

better for a child to die than live in pain

But why?

Why?

Who are we to play God?

It makes me want to take all the babies home.

I've always wanted to adopt.

My heart for adoption has been to take in a child in the states

and it's growing. 

And it's scary...because I'm selfish

I care about my comfort more than a child's much of the time

I say...we can't support another financially

and I make excuses

I hope that someday we do adopt. 

But Lord help the world if we continue to view life as a choice

instead of a gift.