a never ending cycle

God is so sovereign and his plan is perfect but I have been really struggling lately with trusting him in every aspect of my life. I keep going through what feels like a never ending battle of the ups and downs of my life. When I get to a point of spiritual growth Satan begins to attack and while I know he's lying to me, he's a really convincing liar. My struggles have this interwoven pattern that makes it really difficult to fight, because when I fail in one area it just knocks me down in another. Firstly is my need to be loved. God is the ultimate lover. I am his bride, but that doesn't mean I always remember that or cease from looking for love and affection from other people. When I seek out others attention I usually get it but then I start to have doubts about my worth when I don't receive affirmation. This is when the domino of body image begins to fall. I get really hard on the way I look I either go one way and completely binge or get really restrictive. Then domino number three falls and I get back to the depressed place I was in last summer where I start to pull away from people and just sleep all the time. I felt like this little pattern was breaking this summer because God was just pouring so much love on me but the moment I took my eyes off him for a second its like the battle began again right from the beginning. I know that I am his daughter, his bride, his love and that he will fight for me and with me, I know all those things in my head but my heart doesn't seem to feel the same today. Today I'm not up for fighting the battle. Keep me in your prayers as I preach the gospel to myself. If you feel this way know that you're not alone. I have a mighty warrior on my side but the battle is trying.

My summer project

So this summer was looking rather boring and bleak when it first began. Truthfully I was struggling a lot with jealousy over my friends who felt called and got the chance to go on summer projects. The community that they would have and the spiritual growth that would happen for them was something I desired. I didn't understand why God wanted to keep me here at this job, and in this town were I had very few friends, most of which lived too far away to really see much. I am so grateful that the Lord is in control. I have been so blessed this summer by the people he has put into my life.

It all started with a birthday party of a girl in my church I barely knew. I went based on the fact that I was simply bored and had nothing planned that day. Then Melissa and Kristen came into my life. These freshman sweeties invited me to a small group at the church I had been attending for the past two years. I always wanted to join one and had even had plans to check one out that week on Thursday. Their small group met on Tuesday's so I went to it first. I had an instantaneous connection with the girls in that group and the guys were so good at being spiritual leaders, I never did end up looking at other small groups. Yes I'm one of the oldest there but that stretches me to look at 1Tim 4:12 in a different light. it says "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." I was never usually on the end of looking down on others for being young but realized recently I had been. Luckily God has been teaching me so much through the lives of those who are younger than I am and it's been incredible.

Then God rocked my world again when I realized I was getting invested in just one girl in the small group and that I needed to seek out more community and have a love for each girl there. That's sort of how our women's time began. We're going to be meeting once a week and just living life together. Katie, the two Kristen's Becky and I are all pumped for growing closer together and ultimately closer to God.

Another blessing I have received this summer has been the sweet sweet Norcross family. While Maime is probably my favorite, seeing as I know her best, they have been an incredible surrogate family. It's humbling not having a car and calling people for rides to and from work or to get groceries but these people give up so much of their time for me. Whether it's a walmart trip an early morning run or just time to relax and talk about Jesus they give up their precious time to meet my needs.

My view of God and his provision has been enlarged so much recently and he is continually working in my life. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am so glad he's working on me. I can't wait until that day when I'm in his presence, whole and complete. I didn't go anywhere for a summer project, but the Lord has made a project out of perfecting me(when I let him).