motherhood: the post partum

Micaiah James is going on two months now.

Our journey together has been so short but so filled with things I never expected.

I feel so blessed but I am also facing a reality I never could have imagined. 

People tell you motherhood is difficult.

They say the sleep deprivation is hard.

But you go into it thinking you know better. 

Unbelieving that something so sweet can also come with a dark cloud around it.

After M's birth my whole world changed. 

I was faced with baby blues that turned into a depression that I'm still battling with.

There were moments in that first month of his life

where I felt I couldn't live up to being his mum.

When nursing was such a struggle because of his ties, I felt inadequate to provide for the needs of my baby.

When I was so deprived of sleep that I had feelings of animosity towards him for his constant need of me.

When I would hand him to Daka at the end of the day so I could leave the room and cry.

My whole definition of who I am as a person, now solely defined as mother.

At least that is how I felt.

And still feel in many moments 

There is guilt in not being happy in every moment with your new child.
And there is a feeling, that if you are honest about those emotions you will be seen as unloving, and undeserving of the title of mom. 

It's as if you no longer have the right to struggle.
You can only ever have a happy face because this child must at every moment make you feel joy.
But that's not true.
I feel like I am in a constant struggle to figure out who I am again.
My body is different.
My role is different.
My emotions are raging.

Until I had a baby, I thought postpartum depression meant having thoughts of harming your baby.
While sometimes that is a part of it for some, it has a wide spectrum of feelings.
For me it was almost a lack of feeling.
My thoughts went something like this:
(I know I must feed and hold this child and care for and about him, but right now I am still healing and hurting and wondering why, why did we get pregnant so quickly)

But honesty with God has brought a lot of healing.

When I started to say in my prayers  how alone I felt

When I started to say to Jesus and to others that I was depressed 

That's when the Lord was able to show me the blessings.

I couldn't see past the dark feelings until I acknowledged them.

Now I see this crabby, crying, full of life baby who constantly needs his mum as a blessing. 

I see more purpose in my new role as mother. 

I see opportunity to stand along side other mommies and support them.
I see these things, in moments.
I see them when I'm honest about my feelings.
When I'm not I get so caught up in fighting the guilt.
Caught up in telling myself I'm a horrible mother.
But when I vocalize it I get feed back that tells me otherwise.

Women are so difficult. 

Women are so judgemental. 

Women are not as honest as they appear.

But they are strong.

It's so easy to have an opinion about another mother's choice for her child. 

Or an opinion about her struggles. 

It is difficult to just listen. 

I am so blessed to have been given a friend in this season who listens and supports even though our mothering looks very different. 

It has taught me how to listen and throw judgement and opinions out the window and just care for another woman's struggles.

Post partum had been taxing.

Micaiah has been difficult, and wonderful all in the same moment sometimes. 

Life has changed.

God has not.